cMAROOR.lt  cDOBBIMS 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


BY  JESSE  LYNCH  WILLIAMS 


PRINCETON  STORIES  (1855). 

THE  ADVENTURES  OF  A  FRESHMAN  (1899). 

THE  STOLEN  STORY.  AND  OTHER  NEWS 
PAPER' STORIES  (1899). 

NEW  YORK  SKETCHES  (1903). 

THE  DAY-DREAMER  (igo6).  (Being  a  novel- 
ization  of  the  four-act  comedy,  "The  Stolen 
Story." 

THE  GIRL  AND  THE  GAME.  AND  OTHER 
COLLEGE  STORIES  (looSJ. 

THE  MARRIED  LIFE  OF  THE  FREDERIC 
CARROLLS  (1910). 

REMATING  TIME  (1916). 

WHY  MARRY  ?  (1918).  New  edition  of  "And  So 
They  Were  Married." 


CHARLES   SCRIBNER'S   SONS 


WHY  MARRY? 


From  a  photograph  by  White  Studio. 

HELEN:  You're  about  the  most  conceited  man  I  ever  knew. 
ERNEST:  How  can  I  help  it,  when  you  admire  me  so?      [Page  94. 


WHY  MARRY? 


(Originally  published  under  the  title 
"And  So  They  Were  Married  ") 


BY 

JESSE  LYNCH  WILLIAMS 


ILLUSTRATED 


COPYRIGHT,  1914,  1918,  BY 
CHARLES  SCRIBNER'S  SONS 


Published  October,  1914 

New  and  revised  edition  published  April,  1918 

Reprinted  September,  1918;  February,  1919 


[All  rights  strictly  reserved — in 
cluding  amateur  acting  rights.] 


College 
Library 


V; 

, 

i 
/U? 

TO 

HARRIET  AND  JAMES  LEES  LAIDLAW 


WHY    MARRY? 

A  Comedy  in  Three  Acts 

New  York:  Astor  Theatre:  Produced  by  Selwyn  &  Company, 
Dec.  25,  1917,  under  the  direction  of  Roi  Cooper  Megrue. 

The  scene  is  a  week-end  at  a  country  house  not  far  away;  the  time, 
Saturday  afternoon,  Sunday  morning,  and  Sunday  evening. 

THE  PEOPLE  AT  THE  HOUSE 
(As  You  Meet  Them) 

JEAN,  the  host's  younger  sister,  who  has  been  brought  up  to 

be  married  and  nothing  else LOTUS  ROBB 

REX,  an  unmarried  neighbor,  who  has  not  been  brought  up  to 

be  anything  but  rich HAROLD  WEST 

LUCY,  the  hostess,  who  is  trying  her  best  to  be  "just  an  old- 
fashioned  wife"  in  a  new-fashioned  home, 

BEATRICE  BECKLEY 

UNCLE  EVERETT,  a  Judge,  who  belongs  to  the  older  gen 
eration  and  yet  understands  the  new — and  ^.believes  in 
divorce NAT  C.  GOODWIN 

COUSIN  THEODORE,  a  clergyman  and  yet  a  human  be 
ing,  who  believes  in  everything — except  divorce, 

ERNEST  LAWFORD 

JOHN,  who  owns  the  house  and  almost  every  one  in  it — and 

does  not  believe  in  divorce EDMUND  BREESE 

HELEN,  the  host's  other  sister,  whom  every  one  wants  to 
marry,  but  who  doesn't  want  to  marry  any  one, 

ESTELLE  WINWOOD 

ERNEST,  a  scientist,  who  believes  in  neither  divorce  nor 

marriage  but  makes  a  great  discovery .  .  .  SHELLEY  HULL 

(By  arrangement  with  George  C.  Tyler) 

THE  BUTLER RICHARD  PITMAN 

THE  FOOTMAN. .  .  .WALTER  GOODSON 


ADVANCE  NOTICE 
BY  THE  AUTHOR 

ONE  afternoon  shortly  before  the  New  York 
"opening"  of  this  comedy  a  most  estimable  lady 
sat  down  to  make  me  a  cup  of  tea. 

"Now,  do  tell  me,  what  is  your  play  about  ?" 
she  inquired  with  commendable  enthusiasm.  For, 
being  a  true  woman,  she  had  early  achieved  the 
becoming  habit  of  letting  members  of  the  su 
perior  sex  talk  about  themselves. 

'"Why  Marry?'"  said  I,  "tells  the  truth 
about  marriage." 

"Oh,  why,"  she  expostulated,  "why  write  un 
pleasant  plays? " 

"But  it  is  not  'unpleasant." 

"Then  it  isn't  true  !"  she  exclaimed.  "That  is, 
I  mean — I  mean — did  you  say  cream  or  lemon  ?" 

And  in  the  pause  which  accompanied  the 
pouring  of  the  cream  I  detected  the  look  of  one 
realizing  too  late  that  it  is  always  better  to  think 
before  speaking. 

This  little  incident,  it  seemed  to  me,  epito 
mizes  charmingly  the  attitude  of  "our  nicest 
people"  toward  our  fundamental  institution. 
The  truth  about  marriage  must  be  unpleasant. 

ix 


ADVANCE  NOTICE 

Therefore,  tell  us  something  we  know  isn't  true. 
It  will  be  so  much  nicer  for  our  young  people. 

It  is  to  be  feared,  however,  that  young  people 
who  go  to  see  "Why  Marry  ?"  in  the  hope  of  be 
ing  shocked  do  not  get  their  money's  worth.  I 
have  heard  of  but  two  persons  who  have  been 
scandalized  by  this  play,  and  they  were  both  old 
people.  One  was  a  woman  in  the  country  who 
had  not  seen  it,  but  had  read  the  title,  and  so 
wrote  several  indignant  letters  about  it.  The 
other  was  an  elderly  bachelor  of  the  type  which 
finds  useful  occupation  in  decorating  club  win 
dows  like  geraniums.  He  took  his  niece  to  see  it, 
and,  deciding  at  the  end  of  Act  II  that  the  play 
was  going  to  be  unpleasant  in  Act  III,  took  her 
home  at  once.  The  next  afternoon  she  appeared 
at  the  matinee  with  a  whole  bevy  of  her  own 
generation  and  saw  the  rest  of  the  play.  I  asked 
her  later  if  it  had  shocked  any  of  them. 

"Oh,  no,"  she  replied,  "we  are  too  young  to  be 
shocked." 

That  little  incident  also  struck  me  as  socially 
significant.  There  never  were  two  generations 
inhabiting  the  same  globe  simultaneously  with 
such  widely  separated  points  of  view. 

For  several  years  after  this  play  was  first  pub 
lished  no  theatrical  manager  on  Broadway  would 


ADVANCE  NOTICE 

produce  it.  I  don't  blame  them,  I  want  to 
thank  them  for  it.  I  doubt  if  this  sort  of  thing 
could  have  appealed  to  many  theatre-goers  then, 
especially  as  my  young  lovers  are  trying  to 
be  good,  not  bad.  "Self-expression"  and  "the 
right  to  happiness"  do  not  enter  into  their  plans. 
The  causes  of  their  courageous  and,  of  course, 
mistaken  decision  are  unselfish  and  social  mo 
tives,  however  futile  and  antisocial  the  results 
would  have  been  had  not  their  desperate  de 
termination  been  thwarted.  .  .  .  When  this 
play  was  first  published  most  people  were  not 
thinking  along  these  lines.  Such  ideas  were  con 
sidered  radical  then.  They  will  soon  be  old- 
fashioned — even  on  the  stage. 

Kind  and  discriminating  as  the  critics  have 
been  in  regard  to  this  comedy  (a  discriminating 
critic  being,  of  course,  one  who  praises  your 
play),  few  of  them  have  seen  the  point  which 
I  thought  I  was  making  emphatically  clear, 
namely,  that  we  can't  cure  social  defects  by  in 
dividual  treatment.  Not  only  the  lovers,  but  all 
the  characters  in  this  play  are  trying  to  do  right 
according  to  their  lights.  There  is  no  villain  in 
this  piece.  At  least  the  villain  remains  "off 
stage."  Perhaps  that  is  why  so  few  see  him.  You 
are  the  villain,  you  and  I  and  the  rest  of  society. 
We  are  responsible  for  the  rules  and  regulations 

xi 


ADVANCE  NOTICE 

of  the  marriage  game.  Instead  of  having  fun 
with  human  nature,  I  tried  to  go  higher  up  and 
have  fun  with  human  institutions. 

I  say  "tried,"  because  apparently  I  did  not 
succeed.  The  joke  is  on  me.  Still,  I  can  get  some 
amusement  out  of  it:  for  a  great  many  people 
seem  to  like  this  play  who  would  be  indignant  if 
they  knew  what  they  were  really  applauding. 
They  think  they  are  merely  enjoying  "  satire 
on  human  nature."  Now,  it  is  a  curious  fact 
that  you  can  always  curse  human  nature  with 
impunity;  can  malign  it,  revile  it,  boot  it  up  and 
down  the  decalogue,  and  you  will  be  warmly 
praised.  "How  true  to  life!"  you  are  told.  "I 
know  some  one  just  like  that."  (It  is  always 
some  one  else,  of  course.)  But  dare  lay  hands  on 
the  Existing  Order — and  you'll  find  you've  laid 
your  hands  on  a  hornet's  nest. 

You  see,  most  people  do  not  want  anything 
changed — except  possibly  the  Law  of  Change. 
They  do  not  object  to  finding  fault  with  mankind 
because  "you  can't  change  human  nature,"  as 
they  are  fond  of  telling  you  with  an  interesting 
air  of  originality.  But  laws,  customs,  and  ideals 
can  be  changed,  can  be  improved.  Therefore 
they  cry:  "Hands  off!  How  dare  you!"  Man 
made  human  institutions,  therefore  we  reverence 
them.  Whereas  human  nature  was  merely  made 
xii 


ADVANCE  NOTICE 

by  God.  So  we  don't  think  so  much  of  it.  We  are 
prejudiced,  like  all  creators,  in  favor  of  our  own 
creations.  After  all,  there  is  excellent  precedent 
for  such  complacency.  Even  God,  we  are  in 
formed,  pronounced  his  work  "all  very  good" 
and  rested  on  the  seventh  day. 

Pretty  nearly  everything  in  the  play  as  acted 
is  in  the  book  as  published;  but  by  no  means  all 
that  is  in  the  book  could  possibly  be  enacted  on 
the  stage  in  two  hours  and  a  half.  One  scene, 
a  breakfast  scene  between  John  and  his  wife, 
has  been  amplified  for  acting,  but  all  the  other 
scenes  as  printed  here  have  been  shortened  for 
stage  purposes  and  one  or  two  cut  out  entirely. 

The  "set"  was  changed  to  represent  the  log 
gia,  instead  of  the  terrace,  of  John's  "little 
farm."  Outdoor  scenes  are  not  supposed  to  be 
good  for  comedy.  Walls,  or  a  suggestion  of  them, 
produce  a  better  psychological  effect  for  the 
purpose,  besides  making  it  possible  to  speak  in 
quieter,  more  intimate  tones  than  when  the 
voice  spills  out  into  the  wings  and  up  into  the 
paint  loft. 

Near  the  end  of  the  play  a  number  of  relatives, 
rich  and  poor,  are  supposed  to  arrive  for  dinner 
and  for  influencing  by  their  presence  the  re 
calcitrant  couple.  That  is  the  way  it  is  printed 
xiii 


ADVANCE  NOTICE 

and  that  is  how  it  was  acted  during  the  first 
few  weeks  of  the  Chicago  run.  But  though  the 
family  may  have  its  place  in  the  book,  it  proved 
to  be  an  awful  nuisance  on  the  stage.  No  matter 
how  well  these  minor  parts  might  be  acted  (or 
dressed),  their  sudden  irruption  during  the  last 
and  most  important  moments  of  the  perform 
ance  distracted  the  audience's  attention  from 
the  principal  characters  and  the  main  issue. 
It  was  not  clear  who  was  who.  Programmes 
fluttered;  perplexity  was  observed.  ...  So  we 
decided  that  the  family  must  be  destroyed.  It  is 
always  a  perplexing  problem  to  devise  a  substi 
tute  for  the  family. 

JESSE  LYNCH  WILLIAMS. 


XIV 


ILLUSTRATIONS 

HELEN:  You're  about  the  most  conceited  man  I 

ever  knew. 
ERNEST:  How  can  I  help  it,  when  you  admire  me 

so  ? Frontispiece 

FACING  PAGE 

ALL:  Then  why,  why  do  you  want  a  divorce  ? 

JUDGE:  Because,  damn  it,  I  don't  like  her     ....       30 

JUDGE:  You  poor  little  pessimists!  Human  nature 
to-day  is  better  than  it  ever  was,  but  our  most 
important  institution  is  worse — the  most  sacred 
relationship  in  life  has  become  a  jest  in  the 
market-place 204 

JUDGE:  We  thought  we  believed  in  trial  marriage. 
Nothing  of  the  sort — trial  separation !  What 
marriage  put  asunder  divorce  has  joined  to 
gether  230 


ACT  I 


"And  So  They  Were  Married" 


ACT  I 

Up  from  the  fragrant  garden  comes  a  girl,  run 
ning.  She  takes  the  broad  terrace  steps  two 
at  a  stride,  laughing,  breathless,  fleet  as  a 
fawn,  sweet  as  a  rose.  She  is  hotly  pursued  by 
a  boy,  handsome,  ardent,  attractively  selfish, 
and  just  now  blindly  determined  to  catch  the 
pretty  creature  before  she  gains  the  protecting 
shelter  of  home.  She  is  determined  to  let  him 
but  not  to  let  him  know  it.  .  .  .  There,  she 
might  have  darted  in  through  the  open  door, 
but  it  is  such  a  cold,  formal  entrance;  she 
pretends  to  be  exhausted,  dodges  behind  a  stone 
tea-table,  and,  turning,  faces  him,  each  pant 
ing  and  laughing  excitedly ;  she  alluring  and 
defiant,  he  merry  and  dominant. 

She  is  twenty-five  and  he  is  d  year  or  two  older, 
but  they  are  both  children;  in  other  words, 
unmarried. 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED' 


T 


REX 

HINK  I'll  let  you  say  that  to  me  ? 


JEAN 

[making  a  face  at  him} 
Think  I'm  afraid  of  you! 

REX 
Take  it  back,  I  tell  you. 

JEAN 
I  won't. 

REX 
I'll  make  you. 

JEAN 

[with  a  dance  step] 
Think  so,  do  you  ? 

REX 
I  warn  you. 

JEAN 
Booh-woo ! 

[He  makes  a  feint  to  the  right,  then  dashes  to 
the  left  and  catches  her. 

4 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

REX 

[triumphantly] 
Now !  .  .  .  You  would,  would  you  ? 

JEAN 

[struggling] 
Let  me  go. 

REX 

I  couldn't  think  of  it. 

JEAN 

[seizes  his  hands  to  free  herselj  —  can't] 
You're  so  strong  —  it  isn't  fair. 

REX 

You're  so  sweet  —  it  isn't  fair. 

[Smiling  down  at  her  struggles,  rejoicing  in 
his  strength,  her  weakness,  he  gently  draws 
her  near. 

JEAN 

[knows  what  is  coming 
No,  Rex. 

REX 

Yes. 

5 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JEAN 
You  mustn't. 

REX 
But  I  will. 

[He  laughs  and  kisses  her  lightly  on  the  cheek. 
Therefore  she  struggles  furiously.  There 
fore  he  does  it  again.  And  again.  Suddenly 
he  enfolds  her  completely  and  kisses  her 
passionately  —  cheeks,  mouthy  eyes  —  until 
she  gasps  in  alarm.  Laughter  has  gone  from 
them  now. 

JEAN 
Oh,  please !  .  .  .  some  one  will  come. 

REX 

[with  the  intoxication  of  such  moments] 
I  don't  care  who  comes  —  I  love  you. 

JEAN 

No  ...  let  me  go. 

.. 
REX 

Not  till  you  kiss  me,  Jean.  QEAN  hesitates, 
brushes  his  cheek  lightly  with  her  lips,  and  in 
pretty  confusion  tries  to  escape.]  Not  till  you 

6 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

say  you  love  me,  Jean.  [Eyes  hidden  in  his 
coat,  she  bobs  her  head.  He  laughs  and  loves  it.] 
Say  it ! 

JEAN 
I  —  er  —  do. 

REX 

Do  what  ?  .  .  .   Say  it !  ... 

[She  cannot.  He  swings  her  about,  bringing 
her  face  close  to  his. 

JEAN 

I    love  you,   Rex.     Are  you    sure  you  love 
me  ? 

REX 

Am  I  sure  !  You  irresistible  little  — 

[Begins  to  kiss  her.  Masculine  triumph. 

JEAN 

And  want  to  marry  me,  Rex  ? 

REX 

[stops  —  startled  —  had  not  thought  of  that] 
Why  —  er  —  of  course.  What  did  you  suppose  ! 

[Drops  his  eyes,  sobered. 
7 


JEAN 

[feminine  triumph] 
And  me  "a  penniless  orphing"  ? 

REX 

[fascinated  by  the  way  she  says  it,  he  laughs. 

Then,  his  honor  touched] 

Why,  what  kind  of  a  man  do  you  take  me  for! 
[And  wants  her  lips  again. 

JEAN 

[giving    herself   to    him,    head   sinks    upon    his 
shoulder] 

Then,  oh,  Rex,  love  me  and  be  nice  to  me 
and  —  and  take  me  away  from  all  this ! 

[She  covers  her  face  with  her  hands  and  sobs. 
He  pats  her  tenderly,  with  a  manly  look  on 
his  face. 

LUCY  comes  up  from  the  garden.  She  is 
dressed  in  white  with  a  garden  hat,  a  garden 
basket  filled  with  flowers  in  one  hand,  long 
scissors  in  the  other.  She  is  JOHN'S  wife, 
the  mistress  of  the  house,  sister-in-law  to 
JEAN;  conspicuously  a  "sweet"  woman, 
affectedly  so,  a  contrast  with  JEAN'S  more 
modern,  less  delicate  charm.  JEAN  is  frank 
8 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

and  brave,  LUCY  indirect  and  timid,  pretty 
but  fading,  forty  but  fighting  it. 

JEAN 

[laughing] 
It's  all  right,  Lucy  —  we're  engaged  ! 

LUCY 
Well,  I  should  hope  so ! 

[Shoots  a  look  at  JEAN,  "So?'* 

REX 

[recovering  himself] 

I  have  often  tried  to  thank  you  and  good  old 
John  for  letting  me  come  over  here  so  much, 
but  now !  How  can  I  ever  thank  you  ?  See-what- 
I-mean  ? 

LUCY 

I'll  tell  you  how.  Behave  yourself  after  you 
are  married  to  John's  little  sister. 

JEAN 

Rex,  have  you  had  a  fearful  past  ?  How  fas 
cinating  ! 

9 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

REX 

Fm  going  to  have  a  glorious  future,  all  right. 

JEAN 

Not  unless  you  do  as  I  tell  you.  Going  to  obey 
me,  Rex  ? 

REX 
You  bet  I  am. 

JEAN 

Then  begin  now.  Go !  .  .  .  Get  out !  [She 
pushes  REX,  laughing  and  protesting,  toward  the 
garden.}  I  want  to  tell  Lucy  how  nice  you  are. 
Run  along  over  to  the  golf  club,  and  by  and 
by  —  if  you  are  a  good  boy  —  you  can  take  me 
out  in  your  new  car.  [REX  kisses  the  hand  on 
his  arm  and  leaves,  laughing.]  My  dear,  he  has 
five  cars !  Thank  you  so  much. 

[Alone,  they  throw  of  the  mask  worn  before 
men. 

LUCY 

Now,  deary,  tell  me  all  about  it.  How  did  it 
happen  ? 

JEAN 
Oh,  I  simply  followed  your  advice. 

10 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

LUCY 
Picked  a  quarrel  with  him  ? 

JEAN 

[laughing] 

Yes.  I  pretended  to  believe  in  woman  suf 
frage  ! 

LUCY 
Good  !  They  hate  that. 

JEAN 
I  told  him  all  men  were  bullying  brutes ! 

LUCY 

They  are !  And  then  you  ran  away  ? 

t 

JEAN 
Of  course. 

LUCY 

And  he  after  you  ? 

JEAN 
Of  course. 

LUCY 

And  you  let  him  catch  you  ? 
ii 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JEAN 
Of  cour  —  well  ...  he  caught  me. 

[They  both  laugh. 

LUCY 

I  can  guess  the  rest. 

JEAN 
Why,  it  didn't  take  five  minutes. 

LUCY 

And  now  it's  to  last  through  all  eternity.  .  .  . 
Isn't  love  wonderful  ? 

JEAN 
Urn-hum.  Wonderful. 

[They  begin  to  cull  out  the  flowers. 

LUCY 
But  you  do  love  him,  dear,  don't  you  ? 

JEAN 

[arranging  flowers} 
I  did  then.  I  don't  now.  Why  is  that,  Lucy  ? 

LUCY 

Oh,  but  you  will  learn  to  love  him.   [Jean 
shrugs,   drops  flowers,  and  turns   away.]  Now, 

12 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

now  !  no  worrying  —  it  brings  wrinkles  !  [Pat 
ting  Jean's  shoulder.]  Rex  is  just  the  sort  to  give 
the  woman  he  adores  everything  in  the  world. 

JEAN 

[wriggling  out  of  LUCY'S  embrace] 
I  am  not  the  woman  he  adores. 

LUCY 
Why,  Jean  !  He's  engaged  to  you. 

JEAN 

But.  he's  in  love  with  my  sister.  You  know 
that  as  well  as  I  do. 

LUCY 

[uncomfortably] 

Oh,  well,  he  was  once,  but  not  now.  Men 
admire  these  independent  women,  but  they 
don't  marry  them.  Nobody  wants  to  marry  a 
sexless  freak  with  a  scientific  degree. 

JEAN 

Oh,  what's  the  use,  Lucy  ?  He's  still  wild 
about  Helen,  and  she  still  laughs  at  him.  So 
you  and  John  have  trotted  out  the  little  sister. 
Why  not  be  honest  about  it. 

13 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

LUCY 

Well,  I  may  be  old-fashioned,  but  I  don't 
think  it's  nice  to  talk  this  way  when  you're  just 
engaged. 

JEAN 

Here  comes  your  "sexless  freak"  —  not  with 
a  degree,  either. 

LUCY 

[following  JEAN'S  gaze} 
With  a  man! 

JEAN 

[smiling 
With  my  man. 

[HELEN,  with  REX  bending  toward  her 
eagerly ',  appears.  She  is  a  beautiful  woman 
of  twenty-nine ',  tally  strong,  glorious  — 
plenty  of  old-fashioned  charm,  despite  her 
new-fashioned  ideas.  She  is  dressed  in  a 
tennis  costume  and  is  swinging  a  racquet. 

REX 

But  they  told  me  you  were  going  to  stay 
abroad  all  winter. 


''AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 
My  work,  Rex  —  I  had  to  get  back  to  work. 

REX 
Work !  .  .  .  You  are  too  good  to  work. 

JEAN 

[amused,  not  jealous] 

Is  this  your  high-powered  car,  Rex  ?  Have 
you  learned  to  run  it  yet  ? 

REX 

[startled] 

But  .  .  .  well  .  .  .  you  see,  I  met  Helen 
on  the  way.  See-what-I-mean  ? 

JEAN 

[laughing] 
Oh,  we  see. 

REX 

But  I  hadn't  seen  her  for  so  long.  I  thought  — 
[Looks  from  HELEN  to  JEAN]  .  .  .  wait,  I'll  get 
the  car.  [He  hurries  off. 

LUCY 
[to  JEAN] 
Why  couldn't  she  have  stayed  abroad! 

15 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JEAN 

Helen,  don't  talk  about  your  work  before 
Lucy  —  it  shocks  her. 

HELEN 
Oh,  very  well;  make  it  my  'career'! 

JEAN 

[arm  around  HELEN] 
Sssh!  —  that's  worse. 

LUCY 

Helen,  dear,  I  deem  it  my  duty  to  tell  you 
that  you  are  being  talked  about. 

HELEN 

Lucy,  dear,  do  you  always  find  your  true 
happiness  in  duty  ? 

LUCY 

Well,  if  you  think  you  are  going  back  to  that 
horrid  place  again  .  .  .  after  what  happened 
that  night  ?  John  won't  hear  of  it. 

HELEN 

If  the  Baker  Institute  of  Medical  Experiment 
is  not  a  respectable  place  you  should  make  John 
resign  as  trustee.  [She  laughs  it  of. 

16 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

LUCY 

John  is  trustee  of  —  oh,  nearly  everything. 
That  makes  it  all  the  worse.  It  isn't  as  if  you 
had  to  work. 

HELEN 

Oh,  but  John  is  so  rich  now,  his  credit  can 
stand  it.  And  you  oughtn't  to  mind !  Why, 
some  of  our  most  fashionable  families  now  con 
tain  freaks  like  me.  It's  becoming  quite  smart, 
just  as  in  former  days  one  of  the  sons  would  go 
into  the  Church  or  the  navy. 

LUCY 

Well,  of  course,  I  am  old-fashioned,  but  going 
down-town  every  day  with  the  men,  —  it  seems 
so  unwomanly. 

HELEN 

But  wasn't  I  womanly  for  years  ?  Instead  of 
going  down-town  and  working  with  highbrows, 
I  stayed  up-town  and  played  with  lowbrows  — 
until  I  was  bored  to  death. 

LUCY 

[sighs] 

Yes,  that's  what  comes  of  going  to  college, 
leaving  the  home,  getting  these  new  ideas.  All 

17 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

the  same,  Helen,  the  men,  really  nice  men,  don't 
like  it. 

HELEN 

Well,  you  see,  I  don't  like  really  nice  men, 
so  that  makes  it  agreeable  all  around. 

LUCY 

If  it  were  only  art  or  music  or  something 
feminine,  but  that  awful  laboratory !  How  can 
a  lady  poison  poor,  innocent  little  monkeys  ? 

HELEN 

If  I  were  a  lady  I'd  dine  with  monkeys.  .  .  . 
Do  you  know  what  the  word  means,  Lucy  ?  In 
Anglo-Saxon  times  "lady"  meant  "one  who 
gives  loaves";  now,  one  who  takes  a  loaf. 

LUCY 

Very  clever,  my  dear,  but  some  day  you'll  be 
sorry.  No  man,  Helen,  likes  a  woman  to  have 
independent  views. 

JEAN 

Helen  can  afford  to  have  independent  views; 
she  has  an  independent  income  —  she  earns  it. 

18 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

LUCY 

Independent  income !  Her  salary  wouldn't 
pay  for  your  hats. 

JEAN 

All  the  same,  I  wish  I  had  gone  to  college;  I 
wish  I  had  learned  a  profession. 

LUCY 

What  have  these  New  Women  accomplished  ? 
Just  one  thing:  they  are  destroying  chivalry ! 

HELEN 

Not  entirely,  Lucy,  not  entirely.  For  instance, 
I  am  the  best  assistant  Ernest  Hamilton  has, 
but  the  worst  paid;  the  others  are  all  men. 
Hurray  for  chivalry ! 

LUCY 

Well,  I'm  just  an  old-fashioned  wife.  Woman's 
sphere  is  the  home.  My  husband  says  so. 

HELEN 

But  suppose  you  haven't  any  husband!  What 
can  a  spinster  do  in  the  home  ? 

LUCY 

Stay  in  it  —  till  she  gets  one  !  That's  what  the 
old-fashioned  spinster  used  to  do. 

19 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 
The  old-fashioned  spinster  used  to  spin. 

LUCY 

At  any  rate,  the  old-fashioned  spinster  did 
not  stay  out  of  her  home  all  night  and  get 
herself  compromised,  talked  about,  sent  abroad! 
Or,  if  she  did,  she  knew  enough  to  remain  abroad 
until  the  gossip  blew  over.  [Lucy  turns  to  leave. 

HELEN 

[mischievously] 

Ah,  that  wonderful  night !  [Lucv  turns  back, 
amazed.]  The  night  we  discovered  the  Hamilton 
antitoxin,  the  night  that  made  the  Baker  Insti 
tute  famous  !  And,  just  think,  I  had  a  hand  in  it, 
Lucy,  a  hand  in  the  unwomanly  work  of  saving 
children's  lives  !  But,  of  course,  an  old-fashioned 
spinster  would  have  blushed  and  said:  "Excuse 
me,  Doctor  Hamilton,  but  we  must  now  let  a 
year's  work  go  to  waste  because  you  are  a  man 
and  I  am  a  woman,  and  it's  dark  outdoors!" 
.  .  .  That's  the  way  to  preserve  true  chivalry. 

LUCY 

You  think  we  can't  see  through  all  this  ? 
Science  —  fiddlesticks  !  The  good-looking  young 

20 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

scientist  —  that's  why  you  couldn't  stay  abroad. 
We  see  it,  John  sees  it,  and  now  every  one 
will  see  it.  Then  how  will  you  feel  ? 

HELEN 

Ernest  is  rather  good-looking,  isn't  he  ? 

LUCY 

Do  you  think  your  brother  will  let  you  marry 
a  mere  scientist!  .  .  .  Oh,  well,  Doctor  Hamil 
ton  is  in  love  with  his  work  —  fortunately.  .  .  . 
Besides,  he's  a  thoroughbred;  he  wouldn't  even 
look  at  a  girl  who  throws  herself  at  his  head. 

HELEN 
So  I  needn't  try  any  longer  ?  Too  bad. 

LUCY 

[losing  her  temper  and  going] 
Oh,  you  New  Women  are  quite  superior, 
aren't  you  ?  .  .  .  Thank  heavens,  little  Jean 
didn't  elbow  her  way  into  men's  affairs;  she  had 
no  unwomanly  ambitions  for  a  career !  But  she 
is  engaged  to  Rex  Baker ! 

HELEN 
Jean,  is  this  true  ? 

21 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 
LUCY 

[triumphantly] 
Marriage  is  woman's  only  true  career. 

HELEN 

Jean !  You  can't,  you  won't,  you  mustn't 
marry  Rex ! 

LUCY 

\flouncing  out} 
"She  who  will  not  when  she  may,"  my  dear ! 

JEAN 

{avoiding  HELEN'S  eyes] 

Lucy  hears  John  conning  —  he'd  take  her 
head  off  if  she  weren't  there  to  meet  him. 
[HELEN  only  looks  at  her.]  He  bullies  and  brow 
beats  her  worse  than  ever.  I  can't  stand  it 
here  much  longer.  It's  getting  on  my  nerves. 

HELEN 
Jean  !  You  care  for  Rex  no  more  than  I  do. 

JEAN 

[still  evasive] 

John's  bringing  out  Uncle  Everett  and  Cousin 
Theodore.  My  dear,  the  whole  family  is  up  in 
the  air  about  you. 

22 


''AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

Oh,  I  can  take  care  of  myself,  but  you !  .  .  . 
Jean,  you're  not  the  sort  to  marry  Rex  or  any 
other  man,  unless  you  simply  can't  live  without 
him. 

JEAN 

[after  a  little  pause] 

Well  .  .  .  how  can  I  live  without  him  — 
without  some  man  ?  You  can  support  yourself. 
I  can't. 

HELEN 

But  you  wouldn't  live  on  a  man  you  didn't 
really  love ! 

JEAN 

Why  not  ?  Lucy  does;  most  wives  live  on  men 
they  don't  really  love.  To  stop  doing  so  and  get 
divorced  is  wrong,  you  know. 

HELEN 
Jean,  Jean,  poor  little  Jean  ! 

JEAN 

Well,  I'd  rather  have  domestic  unhappiness 
of  my  own  than  watch  other  people's  all  my  life. 

23 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

I  don't  like  to  hurt  you,  dear,  but  —  [Takes 
JEAN'S  face  and  raises  it.]  How  about  that  nice 
boy  at  the  Harvard  Law  School  ? 

JEAN 

Don't !  [Controls  herself,  then,  in  a  low  voice] 
Bob  is  still  at  the  Law  School,  Helen. 

HELEN 
Can't  you  wait,  dear  ? 

JEAN 
He  never  asked  me  to,  Helen. 

HELEN 
He  would,  if  you  let  him. 

JEAN 

It  wouldn't  be  fair.  It  takes  so  long  to  get 
started.  Everything  costs  so  much.  Why,  now 
adays,  men  in  the  professions,  unless  they  have 
private  means,  can't  marry  until  nearly  forty. 
When  Bob  is  forty  I'll  be  forty,  Helen. 

HELEN 

Ah,  but  when  a  girl  really  cares ! 
24 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JEAN 

Helen,  do  you  know  ? 

HELEN 
Never  mind  about  me  —  you  ! 

JEAN 

Oh,  we'll  get  over  it,  I  suppose.  .  .  .  People 
do!  Some  day,  perhaps,  he'll  smile  and  say: 
"Just  think,  I  once  loved  that  fat  old  thing!" 
[Suddenly  changes  to  sobbing.]  Helen!  when  Rex 
caught  me  and  kissed  me  I  shut  my  eyes  and 
tried  to  think  it  was  Bob. 

HELEN 

[takes  JEAN  in  her  arms] 
You  can't  keep  on  thinking  so,  dear. 

JEAN 

But  that  isn't  the  worst !  When  he  held  me 
fast  and  I  couldn't  get  away,  I  began  ...  to 
forget  Bob  ...  to  forget  everything  .  .  . 
[Breaks  off,  overcome  with  shame.]  But  not  now, 
not  now !  It's  not  the  same  thing  at  all.  [Buries 
face  in  HELEN'S  breast  and  sobs  it  out.]  Oh,  I 
feel  like  the  devil,  dear.  .  .  .  And  all  this  time 

25 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

he  doesn't  really  want  me  —  he  wants  you,  you  ! 
I  trapped  him  into  it;  I  trapped  him ! 

HELEN 

And  I  know  Rex  —  he's  a  good  sport;  he'll 
stick  to  it,  if  you  do,  dear  —  only  you  won't ! 
You've  caught  him  by  playing  on  his  worst  — 
don't  hold  him  by  playing  on  his  best ! 

JEAN 

But  what  shall  I  do  ?  I'm  nearly  twenty-six. 
I've  got  to  escape  from  home  in  some  way. 


[REX  returns. 
i 
REX 

Ready,  Jean  ?  [To  HELEN.]  Lucy  and  John 
and  your  Cousin  Theodore  are  in  there  having  a 
fine,  old-fashioned  family  fight  with  the  judge. 

HELEN 
With  Uncle  Everett  ?  What  about  ? 

REX 

They  shut  up  when  they  saw  me.  All  I  heard 
26 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

was  the  parson  —  "Marriage  is  a  social  insti 
tution."  Grand  old  row,  though.  [A  BUTLER 
and  FOOTMAN  appear,  wheeling  a  tea-wagon.} 
Looks  as  if  they  were  coming  out  here. 


HELEN 

Then  I  am  going  in.  [Detaining  JEAN.]  You 
will  follow  my  advice  ? 

JEAN 
[apart  to  HELEN] 

Oh,  I  don't  know.  Soon  or  late  I  must  fol 
low  the  only  profession  I  have  learned. 

QEAN  leaves  with  REX.  HELEN  watches  them, 
sighs ',  and  goes  in.  The  SERVANTS  arrange 
the  tea-table  and  go  into  the  house. 

LUCY  comes  out,  followed  by  her  husband, 
JOHN,  and  the  JUDGE,  who  is  UNCLE  EV 
ERETT,  and  COUSIN  THEODORE. 

JOHN,  the  masterful  type  of  successful  Amer 
ican  business  man;  well  set  up,  close- 
cropped  mustache,  inclined  to  baldness; 
keen  eye,  vibrant  voice,  quick  movements, 
quick  decisions,  quick  temper. 

UNCLE  EVERETT  is  a  genial  satirist  with  a 
27 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

cynical  tolerance  of  the  ways  of  the  world, 
which  he  understands,  laughs  at,  and 
rather  likes. 

COUSIN  THEODORE,  a  care-worn  rector,  who, 
though  he  buttons  his  collar  behind,  likes 
those  who  don't;  a  noble  soul,  self -sacri 
ficing  and  sanctified,  but  he  does  not  ob 
trude  his  profession  upon  others  —  never 
talks  shop  unless  asked  to  do  so,  and  prides 
himself  upon  not  being  a  bigot. 

They  are  continuing  an  earnest  discussion, 
with  the  intimate  manner  of  friendly  mem 
bers  of  the  same  family.  JOHN,  LUCY,  and 
THEODORE  deeply  concerned;  UNCLE  EV 
ERETT  detached  and  amused. 

THEODORE 

But,  Uncle  Everett,  hasn't  Aunt  Julia  always 
been  a  good  wife  to  you  ? 

JUDGE 

Quite  so,  quite  so,  a  good  wife,  Theodore,  a 
good  wife. 

LUCY 

And  a  devoted  mother  to  your  children,  Uncle 
Everett  ? 

28 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 
Devoted,  Lucy,  devoted. 

JOHN 
She  has  always  obeyed  you,  Uncle  Everett. 

JUDGE 
Yes,  John  —  a  true,  old-fashioned  woman. 

THEODORE 

She  has  been  a  great  help  to  me  in  the  parish 
work,  Uncle  Everett. 

JUDGE 

An  earnest  worker  in  the  vineyard,  Theo 
dore  —  in  fact,  I  might  say,  a  model  female. 

ALL 
Then  why,  why  do  you  want  a  divorce  ? 

JUDGE 
Because,  damn  it,  I  don't  like  her ! 

LUCY 

But  think  of  poor  Aunt  Julia ! 
29 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 
But,  damn  it,  she  doesn't  like  me. 

THEODORE 

[wagging  head  sadly] 

Ah,  yes,  I  suppose  there  has  been  fault  on 
both  sides. 

JUDGE 

Not  at  all !  No  fault  on  either  side.  .  .  .  Both 
patterns  of  Christian  fortitude  to  the  end  !  We 
still  are.  Just  listen  to  this  telegram. 

LUCY 

[puzzled] 
From  Aunt  Julia  ? 

JUDGE 

Yes  from  Aunt  Julia  in  Reno.  Not  used 
to  travelling  without  me;  knew  I'd  worry. 
Thoughtful  of  her,  wasn't  it  ?  [Puts  on  glasses.] 
A  night  letter.  Much  cheaper;  your  Aunt  Julia 
was  always  a  frugal  wife.  Besides,  she  never 
could  keep  within  ten  words.  [Reads.]  "Arrived 
safely.  Charming  rooms  with  plenty  of  air  and 
sunlight.  Our  case  docketed  for  March  I5th. 
Wish  you  were  here  to  see  the  women  in 

30 


''AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

Divorcee  Row  —  overdressed  and  underbred." 
Rather  neat,  eh  ?  "Overdressed  and  underbred." 
"I  should  love  to  hear  your  comments  on  the 
various  types."  Now,  isn't  that  sweet  of  her  ? 
Well,  you  know,  I  always  could  make  her  laugh 

—  except  when  I  made  her  cry.  "Write  soon. 
With   love.  Julia."   Now  [folds  telegram},  isn't 
that  a  nice  message  ?   From  a  wife  suing  for 
divorce  ?  You  happily  married  people  couldn't 
beat  that.  [Pats  telegram  and  pockets  it  tenderly. 

JOHN 

[like  a  -practical  business  man] 
But  if  there's  no  other  woman,  no  other  man 

—  what's  it  all  about  ? 

JUDGE 

She  likes  her  beefsteak  well  done;  I  like  mine 
underdone.  She  likes  one  window  open  —  about 
so  much  [indicates  Jour  inches};  I  like  all  the  win 
dows  open  wide !  She  likes  to  stay  at  home;  I 
like  to  travel.  She  loves  the  opera  and  hates  the 
theatre;  I  love  the  theatre  and  hate  the  opera. 

THEODORE 

Stop !  aren't  you  willing  to  make  a  few  little 
sacrifices  for  each  other  ?  Haven't  you  char 
acter  enough  for  that  ? 

31 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

We've  been  making  sacrifices  for  twenty-five 
years,  a  quarter  of  a  century  !  Character  enough 
to  last  us  now  .  .  .  Why,  I  remember  the  first 
dinner  we  had  together  after  we  were  pro 
nounced  man  and  wife,  with  a  full  choral  ser 
vice  and  a  great  many  expensive  flowers  — 
quite  a  smart  wedding,  Lucy,  for  those  simple 
days.  "Darling,"  I  asked  my  blushing  bride, 
"do  you  like  tutti-frutti  ice-cream  ?"  "I  adore 
it,  dearest,"  she  murmured.  I  hated  it,  but 
nobly  sacrificed  myself  and  gave  her  tutti- 
frutti  and  gained  character  every  evening  of 
our  honeymoon !  Then  when  we  got  back  and 
began  our  "new  life"  together  in  our  "little 
home,"  my  darling  gave  me  tutti-frutti  and  in 
digestion  once  a  week  until  I  nearly  died  ! 

LUCY 

But  why  didn't  you  tell  her  ? 

JUDGE 

I  did;  I  did.  Got  chronic  dyspepsia  and 
struck !  "  You  may  adore  this  stuff,  darling"  I 
said,  "but  I  hate  it."  "So  do  I,  dearest,"  says 
she.  "Then  why  in  thunder  have  you  had  it  all 

32 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

these  years,  sweetheart?"  "For  your  sake,  be 
loved!"  And  that  tells  the  whole  story  of  our 
married  life.  We  have  nothing  in  common  but 
a  love  of  divorce  and  a  mutual  abhorrence 
of  tutti-frutti.  "Two  souls  with  but  a  single 
thought,  two  hearts  that  beat  as  one!"  It  has 
been  the  dream  of  our  lives  to  get  apart,  and 
each  has  nobly  refrained  for  the  other's  sake. 
And  all  in  vain  ! 

JOHN 

Bah  !  All  a  cloak  to  hide  his  real  motive.  And 
he  knows  it ! 

JUDGE 

[after  a  painful  pause] 

I  may  as  well  confess.  [Looks  around  to  see  if 
overheard.  Whispers.]  For  over  twenty  years 
I  —  I  have  broken  my  marriage  vow !  [Lucv 
drops  her  eyes.  THEODORE  aghast.  JOHN  wags 
head.]  So  has  your  Aunt  Julia  ! 

THEODORE 
No !  not  that ! 

JUDGE 

Well,  we  solemnly  promised  to  love  each 
other  until  death  did  us  part.  We  have  broken 

33 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

that  sacred  vow!  I  don't  love  her;  she  doesn't 
love  me  —  not  in  the  least ! 

JOHN 

Rot !  A  matured,  middle-aged  man,  a  dis 
tinguished  member  of  the  bar  —  break  up  his 
home  for  that?  Damned  rot! 

JUDGE 

Right  again,  John.  That's  not  why  I'm  break 
ing  up  my  home.  I  prefer  my  club.  What 
does  the  modern  home  amount  to  ?  Merely  a 
place  to  leave  your  wife. 

LUCY 

Of  course,  it  doesn't  matter  about  the  poor 
little  wife  left  at  home. 

JUDGE 

Wrong,  Lucy,  it  does  matter.  That's  why  I 
stayed  at  home  and  was  bored  to  death  with  her 
prattle  about  clothes  and  the  opera,  instead  of 
dining  at  the  club  with  my  intellectual  equals, 
picking  up  business  there,  getting  rich  like 
John,  supplying  her  with  more  clothes  and  a 
whole  box  at  the  opera,  like  yours,  Lucy. 

34 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 
LUCY 

[shoots  a  glance  at  her  husband} 
Oh,  that's  the  way  you  men  always  talk.  It 
never  occurs   to  you   that   business,   business, 
business  is  just  as  much  of  a  bore  to  us  ! 

JUDGE 

Wrong  again !  It  did  occur  to  me  —  hence 
the  divorce !  She  couldn't  stand  seeing  me 
bored;  I  couldn't  stand  seeing  her  bored.  Once 
we  could  deceive  each  other;  but  now  —  too 
well  acquainted;  our  happy  home  —  a  hollow 
mockery ! 

THEODORE 
You  ought  to  be  ashamed !  I  love  my  home ! 

JOHN 
So  do  I.  [He  glances  sternly  at  LUCY. 

LUCY 

[nervously} 
So  do  I. 

JUDGE 

All  right.  Stick  to  it,  if  you  love  it.  Only, 
don't  claim  credit  for  doing  what  you  enjoy. 

35 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

I  stuck  to  my  home  for  a  quarter  of  a  century 
and  disliked  it  the  whole  time.  At  last  I'm 
free  to  say  so.  Just  think  of  it,  Lucy,  free  to 
utter  those  things  about  marriage  we  all  know 
are  true  but  don't  dare  say !  Free  to  be  honest, 
John  !  No  longer  a  hypocrite,  no  longer  a  liar ! 
A  soul  set  free,  Theodore  —  two  souls,  in  fact. 
"Two  souls  with  but  a  single  thought " 

THEODORE 

Stop !  You  have  children  to  consider,  not 
merely  your  own  selfish  happiness  ! 

LUCY 
Yes,  think  of  Tom  and  little  Julia  ! 

JUDGE 

We  did  .  .  .  for  a  quarter  of  a  century  — 
sacrificed  everything  to  them,  even  our  self-re 
spect;  but  now  —  what's  the  use  ?  We  are  child 
less  now.  Tom  and  Julia  have  both  left  us  for 
"little  homes"  of  their  own  to  love. 

THEODORE 

Ah,  but  don't  you  want  them  to  have  the  old 
home  to  come  back  to  ? 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE^MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

"No  place  like  home"  for  children,  eh? 
You're  right  —  can't  have  too  much  of  it.  Most 
children  only  have  one  home.  Ours  will  have 
two  I  When  they  get  bored  with  one  they  can 
try  the  other. 

THEODORE 

But,  seriously,  Uncle  Everett  —  "Whom  God 
hath  joined  together!" 

LUCY 

[clasping  JOHN'S  arm] 

Yes,  Uncle  Everett,  marriages  are  made  in 
heaven. 

JUDGE 

I  see;  quite  so;  but  your  Aunt  Julia  and  I 
were  joined  together  by  a  pink  parasol  made  in 
Paris. 

JOHN 

What  rot !  Stop  your  fooling  and  speak  the 
truth,  man. 

JUDGE 

Just  what  I'm  doing  —  that's  why  you  think 
I'm  fooling.  A  very  pretty  parasol  —  but  it 
wasn't  made  in  heaven.  You  see,  God  made  poor, 

37 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

dear  Julia  pale,  but  on  that  fatal  day,  twenty- 
five  years  ago,  the  pink  parasol,  not  God,  made 
her  rosy  and  irresistible.  I  did  the  rest  —  with 
the  aid  of  a  clergyman,  whom  I  tipped  even 
more  liberally  than  the  waiter  who  served  us 
tutti-frutti.  Blame  me  for  it,  blame  her,  the 
parasol,  the  parson,  but  do  not,  my  dear  Theo 
dore,  blame  the  Deity  for  our  own  mistakes. 
It's  so  blasphemous. 

[A  pause.  LUCY  takes  place  at  the  tea-table 
to  serve  tea. 

LUCY 

And  to  think  we  invited  you,  of  all  people, 
here  to-day  of  all  days !  [To  JOHN.]  We  mustn't 
let  Rex  know.  The  Bakers  don't  believe  in 
divorce. 

JOHN 

What's  this  ?  You  don't  mean  that  Jean ? 

LUCY 

Yes !  Just  in  time  —  before  he  knew  Helen 
was  back. 

JOHN 
[jumps  up] 

She's  landed  him !  She's  landed  him !  We're 
marrying  into  the  Baker  family !  The  Baker 

38 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

family !  [Shaking  hands  right  and  left.]  Why, 
she'll  have  more  money  than  any  of  us !  ... 
Well,  well !  We'll  all  have  to  stand  around  before 
little  Jean  now !  .  .  .  My,  my !  Lucy,  you're  a 
wonder!  Those  pearls  —  I'll  buy  them;  they're 
yours  !  Hurray  for  Lucy  !  [Kisses  LUCY. 

LUCY 

[feeling  her  importance} 

Now,  if  I  could  only  get  Helen  out  of  this 
awful  mess  and  safely  married  to  some  nice 
man ! 

JUDGE 
[sipping  his  tea} 

Meaning  one  having  money? 

THEODORE 

The  Hamiltons  are  an  older  family  than  the 
Bakers,  Lucy,  older  than  our  own. 

JUDGE 
Meaning  they  once  had  money. 

JOHN 

[still  pacing  to  and  fro] 

Waste  a  beauty  on  a  bacteriologist  ?  A 
crime ! 

39 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 

See  here,  John,  Ernest  Hamilton  is  the  biggest 
thing  you've  got  in  the  Baker  Institute !  One 
of  the  loveliest  fellows  in  the  world,  too,  and 
if  you  expect  me  —  why  did  you  ask  us  here, 
anyway  ? 

JUDGE 

Far  as  I  can  make  out,  we're  here  to  help  one 
of  John's  sisters  marry  a  man  she  doesn't  love 
and  prevent  the  other  from  marrying  the  man 
she  does. 

JOHN 

Oh,  look  here:  I've  nothing  against  young 
Hamilton.  ...  I  like  him  —  proud  of  all  he's 
done  for  the  institute.  Why,  Mr.  Baker  is 
tickled  to  death  about  the  Hamilton  antitoxin. 
But,  Theodore,  this  is  a  practical  world.  Your 
scientific  friend  gets  just  two  thousand  dollars 
a  year !  .  .  .  Lucy,  send  for  Helen. 

[Lucv  goes  obediently. 

JUDGE 
Well,  why  not  give  the  young  man  a  raise  ? 

JOHN 

Oh,  that's  not  a  bad  salary  for  scientists, 
college  professors,  and  that  sort  of  thing.  Why, 

40 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

even  the  head  of  the  institute  himself  gets  less 
than  the  superintendent  of  my  mills.  No  future 
in  science. 

JUDGE 

Perfectly  practical,  Theodore.  The  superin 
tendent  of  John's  mills  saves  the  company  thou 
sands  of  dollars.  These  bacteriologists  merely 
save  the  nation  thousands  of  babies.  All  our 
laws,  written  and  unwritten,  value  private 
property  above  human  life.  I'm  a  distinguished 
jurist  and  I  always  render  my  decisions  ac 
cordingly.  I'd  be  reversed  by  the  United  States 
Supreme  Court  if  I  didn't.  We're  all  rewarded 
in  inverse  ratio  to  our  usefulness  to  society, 
Theodore.  That's  why  "practical  men"  think 
changes  are  "dangerous." 

JOHN 
Muck-raker ! 

JUDGE 

It's  all  on  a  sliding  scale,  John.  For  keeping 
up  the  cost  of  living  you  and  old  man  Baker 
get  .  .  .  [Stretches  arms  out  full  length.]  Heaven 
only  knows  how  much.  For  saving  the  Con 
stitution  I  get  ...  a  good  deal.  [Hands  three 

41 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

jeet  apart.]  For  saving  in  wages  and  operating 
expenses  your  superintendent  gets  so  much. 
[Hands  two  feet  apart.]  For  saving  human  life 
Ernest  Hamilton  gets  that.  [Hands  six  inches 
apart.]  For  saving  immortal  souls  Theodore 
gets  —  [Holds  up  two  forefingers  an  inch  apart.] 
Now,  if  any  one  came  along  and  saved  the 

world 

THEODORE 
[interrupts} 
They  crucified  Him. 

JOHN 
Muck-raker,  muck-raker. 

LUCY 

[returning 

Tried  my  best,  John,   but   Helen   says  she 
prefers  to  talk  with  you  alone  some  time. 

JOHN 
[furious] 

She  "prefers"?  See  here!  Am  I  master  in  my 
own  house  or  not  ? 

JUDGE 

But  Helen  is  a  guest  in  it  now.  No  longer 
42 


under    your    control,    John.    She's    the    New 
Woman. 

THEODORE 

John,  you  can't  stop  that  girl's  marrying 
Ernest,  if  she  wants  to;  he's  head  over  heels  in 
love  with  her. 

•Lucy 

What !  We  thought  he  was  in  love  with  his 
work! 

THEODORE 

He  thinks  there's  no  hope  for  him,  poor  boy. 

LUCY 

[to  JOHN] 
And  she  is  mad  about  him ! 

JOHN 
[to  LUCY] 
And  he  is  on  the  way  out  here  now ! 

THEODORE 
What !  He's  coming  to  see  her  ? 

JOHN 

No,  no,  thinks  she's  still  in  Paris  —  so  she 
was  when  I  invited  him,  damn  it  —  but  some- 

43 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

thing   had    to    be    done    and    done    delicately. 
That's  why  I  invited  you  two. 

JUDGE 

[bursts  out  laughing] 

Beautiful !  These  lovers  haven't  met  for  a 
month,  and  to-night  there's  a  moon ! 

THEODORE 
[also  laughs] 

You  may  as  well  give  in,  John.  It's  the  sim 
plest  solution. 

LUCY 
[timidly] 

Yes,  John,  she's  nearly  thirty,  and  think  how 
she  treats  all  the  nice  men. 

JOHN 

Who's  doing  this?  You  go  tell  Helen  .  .  . 
that  her  Uncle  Everett  wants  to  see  her ! 

[Lucy  shrugs,  starts  reluctantly,  and  lingers 
listening. 

THEODORE 

Now,  uncle,  you  have  more  influence  over 
her  than  any  of  us  —  don't  let  her  know  about 
.  .  .  Aunt  Julia.  Helen  thinks  the  world  of  you, 

44 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

Of  course  not,  never  let  the  rising  generation 
suspect  the  truth  about  marriage  —  if  you 
want  'em  to  marry. 

THEODORE 

There  are  other  truths  than  unpleasant 
truths,  Uncle  Everett,  other  marriages  than  un 
happy  marriages. 

JUDGE 

Want  me  to  tell  her  the  truth  about  your 
marriage  ? 

LUCY 

[at  the  door] 

Why  uncle !  Even  you  must  admit  that 
Theodore  and  Mary  are  happy. 

[JOHN    is    too    much    surprised    to    notice 
LUCY'S  presence. 

JUDGE 

Happy  ?  What's  that  got  to  do  with  it  ?  Mar 
riage  is  a  social  institution.  Theodore  said  so. 
.  .  .  Every  time  a  boy  kisses  a  girl  she  should 
first  inquire:  "A  sacrifice  for  society?"  And  if 
he  says,  "I  want  to  gain  character,  sweet- 

45 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

heart,"  then  —  "Darling,  do  your  duty!"  and 
he'll  do  it. 

LUCY 

Well,  Theodore  has  certainly  done  his  duty 
by  society  —  six  children  ! 

JUDGE 

Then  society  hasn't  done  its  duty  by  Theo 
dore  —  only  one  salary  ! 

JOHN 

The  more  credit  to  him !  He  and  Mary  have 
sacrificed  everything  to  their  children  and  the 
Church  —  even  health  ! 

THEODORE 

We  don't  need  your  pity !  We  don't  want 
your  praise !  Poverty,  suffering,  even  separa 
tion,  have  only  drawn  us  closer  together.  We 
love  each  other  through  it  all !  Why,  in  the  last 
letter  the  doctor  let  her  write  she  said,  she 
said  —  [Suddenly  overcome  with  emotion,  turns 
abruptly.]  If  you'll  excuse  me,  Lucy  .  .  .  Sani 
tarium  .  .  .  the  telephone. 

[THEODORE  goes  into  the  house. 
46 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

Not  praise  or  pity  but  something  more  sub 
stantial  and,  by  George,  I'll  get  it  for  them  ! 

[Turns  to  JOHN,  who  interrupts. 

JOHN 

See  the  example  he  sets  to  society  —  I  honor 
him  for  it. 

JUDGE 

Fine!  but  that  doesn't  seem  to  restore  Mary's 
radiant  health,  Theodore's  brilliant  youth. 

LUCY 

Ah,  but  they  have  their  children  —  think  how 
they  adore  those  beautiful  children  ! 

JUDGE 

No,  don't  think  how  they  adore  them,  think 
how  they  rear  those  beautiful  children  —  in  the 
streets;  one  little  daughter  dead  from  conta 
gion;  one  son  going  to  the  devil  from  other 
things  picked  up  in  the  street !  If  marriage  is  a 
social  institution,  look  at  it  socially.  Why,  a 
marriage  like  mine  is  worth  a  dozen  like  theirs 
—  to  Society.  Look  at  my  well-launched  chil 
dren;  look  at  my  useful  career,  as  a  jackal  to 

47 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

Big  Business;  look  at  my  now  perfectly  con 
tented  spouse! 

LUCY 
But  if  you  are  divorced! 

JUDGE 

Is  the  object  of  marriage  merely  to  stay 
married  ? 

LUCY 

But  character,  think  of  the  character  they 
have  gained. 

JUDGE 

Oh,  is  it  to  gain  character  at  the  expense  of 
helpless  offspring?  Society  doesn't  gain  by  that 
—  it  loses,  Lucy,  it  loses.  .  .  .  But  simply  be 
cause,  God  bless  'em,  "they  love  each  other 
through  it  all,"  you  sentimental  standpatters 
believe  in  lying  about  it,  do  you  ? 

JOHN 

[bored,  whips  out  pocket  check-book  and  fountain 

pen] 

Oh,  talk,  talk,  talk!  Money  talks  for  me. 
.  .  .  But  they're  both  so  confoundedly  proud  ! 


"AND  So  THEY  WE*RE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

Go  on,  write  that  check !  QOHN  writes.]  They 
must  sacrifice  their  pride,  John.  Nothing  else 
left  to  sacrifice,  I'm  afraid. 

JOHN 
Well,  you  get  this  to  them  somehow. 

[Hands  check  to  JUDGE. 

JUDGE 

Aha !  Talk  did  it.  ...  Five  thousand  ?  Gen 
erous  John ! 

JOHN 

[impatiently] 

Never  mind  about  me.  That  problem  is  all 
settled;  now  about  Helen.  .  .  .  Lucy  !  I  thought 

I  told  you 

[Lucv,  in  a  guilty  hurry,  escapes  into  the 
house. 

JUDGE 

John,  charity  never  settles  problems;  it  per 
petuates  them.  You  can't  cure  social  defects  by 
individual  treatment. 

JOHN 

[more  impatiently] 
Does  talk  settle  anything  ? 

49 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

Everything.  We  may  even  settle  the  marriage 
problem  if  we  talk  honestly.  [THEODORE  returns 
from  telephoning  to  the  sanitarium.}  Theodore, 
it's  all  right !  John  honestly  believes  in  setting 
an  example  to  society  !  Crazy  to  have  his  sisters 
go  and  do  likewise  ! 

THEODORE 

Splendid,  John !  I  knew  you'd  see  it  —  an 
ideal  match. 

JUDGE 

{overriding  JOHN] 

Right,  Theodore,  ideal.  This  scientific  suitor 
will  shower  everything  upon  her  John  honors 
and  admires:  A  host  of  servants  —  I  mean  sac 
rifices;  carriages  and  motors  —  I  mean  charac 
ter  and  morals;  just  what  her  brother  advocates 
in  Sunday-school  —  for  others.  An  ideal  mar 
riage. 

JOHN 

[hands  in  pockets] 

You  think  you're  awfully  funny,  don't  you  ? 
Humph  !  I  do  more  for  the  Church,  for  educa 
tion,  art,  science  than  all  the  rest  of  the  family 

50 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

combined.  Incidentally,  I'm  not  divorced.  .  .  . 
But  this  is  a  practical  world,  Theodore,  I've  got 
to  protect  my  own. 

LUCY 

[returning] 
Helen  will  be  here  in  a  minute. 

JOHN 

[suddenly  getting  an  idea} 
Ah !  I  have  it !  I  know  how  to  keep  them 
apart ! 

THEODORE 

Be  careful,  John  —  these  two  love  each  other. 

JUDGE 

Yes,  young  people  still  fall  in  love.  Whether 
we  make  it  hard  or  easy  for  them  —  they  will 
do  it.  But,  mark  my  words,  unless  we  reform 
marriage,  there  is  going  to  be  a  sympathetic 
strike  against  it  —  as  there  is  already  against 
having  children.  Instead  of  making  it  harder  to 
get  apart,  we've  got  to  make  it  easier  to  stay 
together.  Otherwise  the  ancient  bluff  will  soon 
be  called ! 

LUCY 

Sssh  !  Here  she  comes. 
51 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 
Please  don't  talk  this  way  before  her. 

JUDGE 

All  right,  I'm  not  divorced  yet,  .  .  .  still  in 
the  conspiracy  of  silence. 

[HELEN  appears  at  the  door.  A  sudden  silence. 

HELEN 

[kissing  THEODORE    and  JUDGE    affectionately] 

I'm  so  sorry  to  hear  about  dear  Mary.  [To 

JUDGE.]  But  why  didn't  Aunt  Julia  come  ?  Is 

she  ill,  too  ?        [Slight  panic  in  the  family  party. 

JUDGE 

She's  gone  to  Re-Re-Rio  Janeiro  —  I  mean 
to  Santa  Barbara  —  wants  a  complete  change 
—  The  Rest  Cure.  [To  THEODORE  apart.}  Lie 
number  one. 

[Another  silence.  LUCY  makes  tea  for  HELEN. 

HELEN 

[taking  the  cup] 
Well,  go  on ! 

THEODORE 
Go  on  with  what  ? 

52 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

[stirring  tea] 
Your  discussion  of  marriage. 

LUCY 

How  did  you  know  ? 

HELEN 

Oh,  it's  in  the  air.  Everybody's  talking  about 
it  nowadays. 

[She  sips  tea,  and  the  others  look  conscious. 

THEODORE 

My  dear,  marriage  is  woman's  only  true 
career. 

HELEN 

[raising  her  shield  of  flippancy] 
So  Lucy  tells  me,  Cousin  Theodore.  But  a 
woman  cannot  pursue  her  career,  she  must  be 
pursued  by  it;  otherwise  she  is  unwomanly. 

JUDGE 

Ahem.  As  we  passed  through  the  library  a 
while  ago,  I  think  I  saw  your  little  sister  being 
pursued  by  her  career. 

HELEN 

Yes,  uncle,  but  Jean  is  a  true  woman.  I'm 
only  a  New  Woman. 

53 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

All  the  same,  you'll  be  an  old  woman  some 
day  —  if  you  don't  watch  out. 

HELEN 

Ah,  yes,  my  life's  a  failure.  I  haven't  trapped 
a  man  into  a  contract  to  support  me. 

LUCY 

[picks  up  knitting  bag  and  does  her  best  to  look 

like  "just  an  old-fashioned  wife"} 
You  ought  to  be  ashamed  !  Making  marriage 
so  mercenary.  Helen,  dear,  haven't  you  New 
Women  any  sentiment  ? 

HELEN 

Enough  sentiment  not  to  make  a  mercenary 
marriage,  Lucy,  dear. 

JUDGE 

Ahem  !  And  what  kind  of  a  marriage  do  you 
expect  to  make? 

HELEN 

Not  any,  thank  you,  uncle. 

JUDGE 

What !  You  don't  believe  in  holy  matrimony  ? 
54 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 


HELEN 

Only  as  a  last  extremity,  uncle,  like  unholy 
divorce. 

JUDGE 

[jumps] 
What  do  you  know  about  that  ? 

HELEN 

I  know  all  about  it !  [Others  jump.]  I   have 
been  reading  up  on  the  subject. 

[A 'II  relax,  relieved,  but  now  gather  about  ike 
young  woman. 


THEODORE 

Come  now,  simply  because  many 
young  people  rush  into  marriage  with 
out  thinking  — 


LUCY 

Simply  because  these  New  Women — 

JOHN 

Simply  because  one  marriage  in  a 
thousand  ends  in  divorce  — 

55 


[To- 
gether] 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

Wait !  .  .  .  One  in  a  thousand  ?  Dear  me, 
what  an  idealist  you  are,  John  !  In  America, 
one  marriage  in  every  eleven  now  ends  in 
divorce.  And  yet  you  wonder  why  I  hesitate. 

JOHN 

One  in  eleven  —  rot!  [To  JUDGE.]  All  this 
muck-raking  should  be  suppressed  by  the  Gov 
ernment.  "One  in  eleven  !"  Bah ! 

HELEN 

[demurely] 

The  Government's  own  statistics,  John. 
[They  all  turn  to  the  JUDGE  for  denial,  but  he 
nods    confirmation,    with    a    complacent 
smile,  murmuring:  "  Two  souls  with  but  a 
single  thought." 

LUCY 

\sweetly  knitting] 

Well,  I  may  be  old-fashioned,  but  it  seems  to 
me  that  nice  girls  shouldn't  think  of  such  things. 
.  .  .  Their  husbands  will  tell  them  all  they 
ought  to  know  about  marriage  —  after  they're 
married. 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

Ah,  I  see.  Nice  girls  mustn't  think  until  after 
they  rush  in,  but  they  mustn't  rush  in  until 
after  they  think.  You  married  people  make  it 
all  so  simple  for  us. 

JUDGE 

Right !  The  way  to  cure  all  evil  is  for  nice 
people  to  close  their  minds  and  mouths  to 
it.  It's  "unpleasant"  for  a  pure  mind,  and  it 
"leaves  a  bad  taste  in  the  mouth."  So  there 
you  are,  my  dear. 

JOHN 

[coming  in  strong] 

Oh,  talk,  talk,  talk !  I've  had  enough.  See 
here,  young  lady,  I  offered  to  pay  all  your  ex 
penses  abroad  for  a  year.  You  didn't  seem  to 
appreciate  it  —  well,  the  trustees  of  the  insti 
tute  are  now  to  give  Doctor  Hamilton  a  year 
abroad.  How  do  you  like  that  ? 

[All  turn  and  look  at  HELEN. 

HELEN 

Splendid  !  Just  what  he  needs  !  Doctor  Metch- 
nikoff  told  me  in  Paris  that  America  always 

57 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

kills  its  big  men  with   routine.   When  do  we 
start  ?  [She  tries  to  look  very  businesslike. 

JOHN 

[springing  to  his  feet] 
"We  !"  Do  you  think  you  are  going  ? 

HELEN 

Of  course !  I'm  his  assistant  —  quite  indis 
pensable  to  him  .  .  .  [To  all.]  Oh,  well,  if  you 
don't  believe  me,  ask  him  ! 

JOHN 

[pacing  to  and  fro] 

What  next !  Paris !  Alone,  with  a  man !  — 
Here's  where  I  call  a  halt ! 

HELEN 

But  if  my  work  calls  me,  I  don't  really  see 
what  you  have  to  say  about  it,  John. 

JOHN 
Better  not  defy  me,  Helen.  [He  scowls. 

HELEN 

Better  not  bully  me,  John.  [She  smiles. 

58 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 
I  am  your  brother. 

HELEN 

But  not  my  owner !  [Then,  instead  of  defiance, 
she  turns  with  animated  interest  to  the  others.] 
You  know,  all  women  used  to  be  owned  by  men. 
Formerly  they  ruled  us  by  physical  force  — 
now  by  financial  force.  .  .  .  But  at  last  they 
are  to  lose  even  that  hold  upon  us  —  poor  dears  ! 
[Pats  JOHN'S  shoulder  playfully. 

JOHN 

[amused,  but  serious] 

That's  all  right  in  theory,  but  this  is  a  prac 
tical  world.  My  pull  got  you  into  the  institute; 
my  pull  can  get  you  out.  You  give  up  this  wild 
idea  or  give  up  your  job  ! 

HELEN 

[delighted] 

What  did  I  tell  you  ?  Financial  force !  They 
still  try  it,  you  see.  [To  JOHN.]  What  if  I  re 
fused  to  give  up  either,  John? 

59 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

[emphatic] 

Then  as  a  trustee  of  the  institute  I  ask  for 
your  resignation  —  right  here  and  now !  [Turns 
away.]  I  guess  that  will  hold  her  at  home  a 
while. 

HELEN 

I  simply  must  go  to  Paris  now.  I've  nothing 
else  to  do ! 

JOHN 

[with  a  confident  smile] 

You  will,  eh  ?  Who'll  pay  your  expenses  this 
time  ? 

HELEN 
[matter  of  fact] 
Doctor  Hamilton. 

LUCY 

Helen !  please !  You  oughtn't  to  say  such 
things  even  in  joke. 

HELEN 

He'll  take  me  along  as  his  private  secretary, 
if  I  ask  him. 

[A  pause.    The  others  look  at  one  another 
helplessly. 

60 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 
John,  she's  got  you.  You  might  as  well  quit. 

JOHN 
Nonsense.  I  have  just  begun.  You'll  see. 

THEODORE 

If  you're  so  independent,  my  dear,  why  don't 
you  marry  your  scientist  and  be  done  with  it  ? 

HELEN 

[resents  the  intrusion  but  hides  her  feelings] 
Can  you  keep  a  secret  ?  [They  all  seem  to  think 
they  can  and  gather  near.]  He  has  never  asked 
me!  {The  family  seems  annoyed. 

LUCY 

[with  match-making  ardor} 
No  wonder,  dear,  he  has  never  seen  you  except 
in  that  awful  apron.  But  those  stunning  dinner 
gowns  John  bought  you  in  Paris !  My  dear,  in 
evening  dress  you  are  quite  irresistible  ! 

JUDGE 

[apart  to  THEODORE] 

Irresistible  ?  Pink  parasols.  What  a  system ! 
61 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

But  you  see,  I  don't  want  him  to  ask  me. 
I've  had  all  I  could  do  to  keep  him  from  it. 

[The  family  seems  perplexed. 

JOHN 

She's  got  some  sense  left. 

\ 
LUCY 

But  suppose  he  did  ask  you,  dear  ? 

HELEN 

Why,  I'd  simply  refer  the  matter  to  John,  of 
course.  If  John  said,  "Love  him,"  I'd  love  him; 
if  John  said,  "Don't  love  him,"  I'd  turn  it  off 
like  electric  light. 

[The  family  is  becoming  exasperated. 

LUCY 

[insinuating 

Oh,  you  can't  deceive  us.  We  know  how  much 
you  admire  him,  Helen. 

HELEN 

Oh,  no  you  don't!  [The  family  is  amazed.} 
Not  even  he  does.  Did  you  ever  hear  how  he 

62 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

risked  his  life  in  battle  down  in  Cuba  ?  Why, 
he's  a  perfect  hero  of  romance  ! 

JOHN 

[mutters] 

Never  even  saw  a  war  —  mollycoddle  germ 
killer! 

HELEN 

Not  in  the  war  with  Spain  —  the  war  against 
yellow  fever,  John.  .  .  .  No  drums  to  make 
him  brave,  no  correspondents  to  make  him 
famous  —  he  merely  rolled  up  his  sleeve  and  let 
an  innocent-looking  mosquito  bite  him.  Then 
took  notes  on  his  symptoms  till  he  became  de 
lirious.  .  .  .  He  happened  to  be  among  those 
who  recovered.  [The  family  is  impressed. 

THEODORE 

Old-fashioned  maidens  used  to  marry  their 
heroes,  Helen. 

HELEN 

[arising,  briskly] 

But  this  new-fashioned  hero  gets  only  two 
thousand  dollars  a  year,  Theodore. 

[She  turns  to  escape. 

63 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

[nodding] 

I  told  you  she  had  sense. 

THEODORE 

Helen !  You  selfish,  too  ?  Why,  Mary  and  I 
married  on  half  that,  didn't  we,  John  ? 

[He  looks  around.  The  family  looks  away. 

HELEN 

[with  unintended  emphasis] 

Doctor  Hamilton  needs  every  cent  of  that 
enormous  salary  —  books,  travel,  scientific  con 
ferences  —  all  the  advantages  he  simply  must 
have  if  he's  to  keep  at  the  top  and  do  his  best 
work  for  the  world.  The  most  selfish  thing  a 
girl  can  do  is  to  marry  a  poor  man. 

[With  that  she  hurries  up  the  steps. 

THEODORE 

[following  her] 

All  the  same,  deep  down  under  it  all,  she  has 
a  true  woman's  yearning  for  a  home  to  care  for 
and  a  mate  to  love.  [She  is  silently  crying.]  Why, 
Helen,  dear,  what's  the  matter  ? 

64 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

[hiding  her  emotion] 

Oh,  why  can't  they  let  me  alone  !  They  make 
what  ought  to  be  the  holiest  and  most  beautiful 
thing  in  life  the  most  horrible  and  dishonest. 
They  make  me  hate  marriage  —  hate  it ! 

[Unseen  by  HELEN,  the  BUTLER  steps  out. 

THEODORE 

[patting  her  shoulder] 
Just  you  wait  till  the  right  one  comes  along. 

BUTLER 
[to  LUCY] 
Doctor  Hamilton  has  come,  ma'am. 

HELEN 

[with  an  old-fashioned  gasp] 
Good  heavens !  [And  runs  to  the  family. 

LUCY 
Show  Doctor  Hamilton  out. 

[The  BUTLER  goes. 

HELEN 

A  plot  to  entrap  him !  [Running  to  and  fro 
65 


"AND  So  THEY  WE  RE  MARRIED" 

wildly.]  But  it's  no  use !  I'm  going  .  .  .  until 
he's  gone !  [HELEN  runs  into  the  garden. 

JUDGE 
Fighting  hard,  poor  child. 

THEODORE 
But  what'll  we  do  ? 

JUDGE 

Don't  worry  —  she  can't  stay   away  —  the 
sweet  thing ! 

JOHN 

Now  listen,  we  must  all  jolly  him  up  —  he'll 
be  shy  in  these  surroundings. 

JUDGE 
Going  to  surrender,  John  ? 

JOHN 
What  I  am  going  to  do  requires  finesse. 

LUCY 

[in  a  flutter,  seeing  HAMILTON  approach] 

Oh,  dear !  how  does  one  talk  to  highbrows  ? 

66 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

Talk  to  him  about  himself!  Highbrows,  low 
brows,  all  men  love  it. 

[ERNEST  HAMILTON,  discoverer  of  the  Ham 
ilton  antitoxin,  is  a  fine-looking  fellow  of 
about  thirty-five,  without  the  spectacles  or 
absent-mindedness  somehow  expected  of 
scientific  genius.  He  talks  little  but  very 
rapidly  and  sees  everything.  It  does  not 
occur  to  him  to  be  shy  or  embarrassed  "in 
these  surroundings"  —  not  because  he  is 
habituated  to  so  much  luxury,  on  three 
thousand  a  year,  nor  because  he  despises 
it;  he  likes  it;  but  he  likes  other  things  even 
more.  That  is  why  he  works  for  two  thou 
sand  a  year,  instead  of  working  for  fat, 
fashionable  fees  in  private  practice. 

JOHN  meets  his  distinguished  guest  at  the 
door  —  effusively,  yet  with  that  smiling 
condescension  which  wealthy  trustees  some 
times  show  to  "scientists,  college  professors, 
and  that  sort  of  thing." 

JOHN 

Ah,  Doctor  Hamilton !  Delighted  to  see  you 
on  my  little  farm  at  last.  Out  here  I'm  just  a 
plain,  old-fashioned  farmer. 

67 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

[ERNEST  glances  about  at  the  magnificence 
and  smiles  imperceptibly.  He  makes  no 
audible  replies  to  the  glad  welcome,  but 
bows  urbanely,  master  of  himself  and  the 
situation. 

LUCY 
Doctor  Hamilton !  So  good  of  you  to  come. 

THEODORE 
How  are  you,  Ernest  ?  Glad  to  see  you. 

LUCY 

I  don't  think  you've  met  our  uncle,  Judge 
Grey. 

JUDGE 

[humorously  adopting  their  manner] 
Charmed  !  I've  heard  so  much  about  you  !  — 
from  my  niece. 

LUCY 

[to  ERNEST'S  rescue,  like  a  tactful  hostess] 
A  cup  of  tea,  Doctor  Hamilton  ? 

ERNEST 

[unperturbed  by  the  reference  to  HELEN] 
Thanks. 

68 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

[while  LUCY  makes  tea.  Trustee  manner] 
I  have  often  desired  to  express  my  admiration 
of  your  heroism  in  the  war  against  yellow  fever 
in  er  —  ah  —  Cuba,  when  you  let  an  innocent- 
looking  mosquito  bite  you 

LUCY 

[nodding  and  poising  sugar-tongs] 
And  then  took  notes  on  your  symptoms  till 
you  became  delirious ! 

ERNEST 

No  sugar,  thanks. 

[He  looks  from  one  to  another  with  consider 
able  interest. 

JUDGE 

No  drums  to  make  you  famous,  no  war  cor 
respondents  to  make  you  brave  —  I  mean  the 
other  way  round. 

ERNEST 

[to  LUCY  poising  cream  pitcher] 
No  cream,  please. 

JOHN 
Senator  Root   says  this  one  triumph  alone 

69 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

saves  twenty  million  dollars  a  year  to  the  busi 
ness  interests  of  the  United  States!  I  call  that 
true  patriotism. 

ERNEST 

[with  a  nod  of  assent  to  LUCY] 
Lemon. 

THEODORE 
[with  sincerity] 

General  Wood  says  it  saves  more  human 
lives  a  year  than  were  lost  in  the  whole  Spanish 
War !  I  call  it  service. 

JUDGE 

Colonel  Goethals  says  the  Panama  Canal 
could  not  have  been  built  if  it  hadn't  been  for 
you  self-sacrificing  scientists.  Not  only  that, 
but  you  have  abolished  forever  from  the  United 
States  a  scourge  which  for  more  than  a  cen 
tury  had  through  periodic  outbreaks  spread  ter 
ror,  devastation,  and  death.  [A  $ause. 

ERNEST 

[bored,  but  trying  to  hide  it} 
The  ones  who  deserve  your  praise  are  the  four 
who  died  to  prove  that  theory.  .  .  .  [He  smiles] 
Of  course,  you  all  know  their  names.  .  .  .  [He 

70 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

looks  at  JOHN,  who  looks  at  JUDGE,  who  looks  at 
LUCY,  who  looks  at  THEODORE.  He  takes  up  his 
cup]  Delicious  tea. 

THEODORE 

Ah,  but  they  didn't  do  it  for  fame,  for 
money  —  that's  the  beauty  of  the  sacrifice. 

ERNEST 

[with  a  smile} 

Quite  so.  ...  That's  what  Congress  told  us 
when  we  suggested  a  pension  for  the  widow  of 
the  first  victim. 

ALL 
What !  Did  Congress  refuse  the  pension? 

ERNEST 
[finishes  his  tea} 

They  finally  voted  the  sum  of  seventeen 
dollars  a  month  for  the  widow  and  no  less  than 
two  dollars  a  month  extra  for  each  of  his  chil 
dren.  .  .  . 

LUCY 

Is  that  all? 

71 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

No.  .  .  .  We  pestered  Congress  to  death  until, 
a  few  years  ago,  they  replaced  the  pension  with 
an  annuity  of  one  hundred  and  twenty-five  dol 
lars  a  month  —  though  some  of  them  said  it 
was  a  very  bad  precedent  to  establish.  [Returns 
cup  to  LUCY.]  No  more,  thanks,  delicious. 

[And  turns  to  admire  the  wide-sweeping  view 
of  the  farm,  hands  in  pockets. 

JOHN 

[after  a  pause] 

Well,  I  think  our  scientists  might  well  be 
called  philanthropists. 

ERNEST 

Hardly !  You  see,  every  one  knows  the  names 
of  philanthropists.  .  .  .  Better  let  it  go  at  "scien 
tists." 

JUDGE 

He's  right.  Philanthropists  don't  give  their 
lives,  they  give  their  names — have  'em  carved 
in  stone  over  their  institutes  and  libraries. 

[  John  approaches  and  joins  his  guest. 

ERNEST 

Charming  little  farm  you  have  here. 
72 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

Doctor  Hamilton,  America  kills  its  big  men 
with  routine.  You  are  too  valuable  to  the 
nation  to  lose  —  the  trustees  think  you  need  a 
year  abroad. 

ERNEST 

That's  strange,  I  came  out  here  to  suggest 
that  very  thing.  .  .  .  Somebody  has  been  saying 
kind  things  about  me  in  Paris.  Just  had  a  let 
ter  from  the  great  Metchnikoff  —  wants  me  to 
come  over  and  work  in  the  Pasteur !  Chance 
of  a  lifetime !  .  .  .  You  didn't  have  to  jolly  me 
up  to  consent  to  that ! 

JOHN 

[pacing  terrace  with  his  guest,  arm  in  arm} 
By  the  by,  my  sister  is  rather  keen  on  science. 

ERNEST 

Best  assistant  I  ever  had.  You  can  pile  an 
awful  lot  of  routine  on  a  woman.  The  female  of 
the  species  is  more  faithful  than  the  male.  .  .  . 
She's  over  there  already.  We  can  get  right  to 
work. 

JOHN 
She'll  be  back  before  you  start. 

73 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

[stops  short] 

I  didn't  know  that.  .  .  .  Well,  what  is  it  ? 
QOHN    hesitates,    turns   to   the  family,    all 
watching  with  breathless  interest. 

THEODORE 

Don't  you  see,  old  chap,  under  the  circum 
stances  it  would  hardly  do  for  her  to  go  back 
to  Paris  with  you. 

ERNEST 
Why  not  ? 

LUCY 

You're  a  man. 

ERNEST 
[smiling 
You  mean  I'm  dangerous  ? 

LUCY 
But  she's  a  woman. 

JUDGE 

They  mean  she's  dangerous. 
74 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

My  dear  fellow,  we  are  going  to  ask  you  quite 
frankly  to  decline  to  take  her. 

ERNEST 

[looks  about  at  the  circle  of  anxious  faces.  He 

wont  let  them  read  him} 

So  that's  it,  eh  ?  ...  But  it's  the  chance  of 
a  lifetime  for  her,  too.  She  needs  it  more  than 
I  do.  She's  had  so  little  chance  to  do  original 
work. 

JOHN 
But  she's  a  woman. 

ERNEST 
Just  what  has  that  to  do  with  it  ? 

JOHN 

Everything.  We  have  the  highest  respect  for 
you,  Doctor  Hamilton,  but  also  .  .  .  one  must 
respect  the  opinions  of  the  world,  you  know. 

ERNEST 

[thinks  it  over] 

That's  right.  One  must.  I  forgot  to  think  of 
that.  .  .  .  It's  curious,  but  when  working  with 

75 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

women  of  ability  one  learns  to  respect  them  so 
much  that  one  quite  loses  the  habit  of  insulting 
them.  Too  bad  how  new  conditions  spoil  fine  old 
customs.  .  .  .  Suppose  you  let  her  go  and  let  me 
stay.  I  can  find  plenty  to  do  here,  I  fancy. 

JOHN 

I  fear  it  would  offend  our  generous  benefactor, 
Mr.  Baker.  He  has  set  his  heart  on  your  going 
abroad,  meeting  other  big  men,  getting  new 
ideas  for  our  great  humanitarian  work.  [The 
family  exchange  glances  while  JOHN  lies  on.}  Be 
sides,  my  sister  would  only  go  to  accommodate 
you.  She  particularly  desires  to  stay  here  this 
winter.  That's  why  she  is  returning  so  soon, 
you  see. 

ERNEST 
[believes  it] 

Oh,  I  see.  .  .  .  I'm  sure  I  have  no  desire  to 
drag  her  over  with  me.  .  .  .  [Smiles  at  himself.] 
I  rather  thought  the  opportunity  to  continue 
our  experiments  together  .  .  .  but  that's  all 
right. 

JOHN 

Then  it's  all  settled  —  you  agree  to  go  alone  ? 
76 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

[a  slight  pause] 
Yes,  alone.  It's  quite  settled. 

JOHN 
How  soon  could  you  start  ? 

ERNEST 
[absently] 

How  soon?  Why,  just  as  soon  as  I  get  some 
one  to  run  my  department. 

JOHN 
Could  my  sister  run  it  ? 

ERNEST 

[smiles] 

Could  she  run  it  ?  It  can't  run  without  her! 
She's  as  systematic  as  [to  LUCY]  —  as  a  good 
housekeeper. 

JOHN 

[with  a  satisfied  look  at  the  others] 
Then  that's  all  fixed !  She'll  stay  when  I  tell 
her  that  you  want  her  to.  Could  you  arrange 
to  start  at  once  ? 

77 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED"' 

ERNEST 
[hesitates] 
By  leaving  here  to-night,  I  could. 

JOHN 

[with  a  triumphant  look  at  the  family] 
Then  I'll  telephone  for  your  passage  —  I  have 
a  pull  with  all  the  steamship  lines.  [Going.]  Of 
course  I  hate  to  cut  short  your  week-end,  but  I 
don't  want  to  spoil  any  scientific  careers. 

QOHN  hurries  in  to  telephone.  ERNEST  starts 
too,  as  if  to  stop  him  but  restrains  the  im 
pulse.  He  stands  alone  by  the  door  gazing 
out  over  the  landscape  while  LUCY,  THEO 
DORE,  and  the  JUDGE  discuss  him  in  low 
tones  by  the  tea-table. 

LUCY 

Can't  you  see,  you  stupid  men !  He's  crazy 
about  her  —  but  thinks  there's  no  hope. 

THEODORE 

When  she  finds  he's  leaving  for  a  year  .  .  . 
she'll  change  her  mind  about  marriage ! 

[ERNEST  comes  back  to  earth  and  to  the  house- 
party. 

78 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

[to  ERNEST,  joining  them] 
Ahem !  We  were  just  discussing  the  marriage 
danger  —  I  mean  the  marriage  problem. 

ERNEST 
[with  a  smile] 
Go  right  on  —  don't  mind  me. 

THEODORE 

[old-friend  manner] 
See  here  !  When  are  you  ever  going  to  marry  ? 

ERNEST 

[modern  bachelor's  laugh] 
When  am  I  ever  going  to  get  more  than  two 
thousand  a  year  ? 

THEODORE 

Bah  !  what  has  money  got  to  do  with  it !  Just 
you  wait  till  the  right  one  comes  along. 

[HELEN  comes  along,  stealing  up  the  steps 
from  the  garden  on  tiptoe  with  the  grave, 
absorbed  look  of  a  hunter  stalking  game. 
She  catches  sight  of  the  man  she  wants 
and  stops  shorty  as  motionless  as  if  frozen. 
But  not  so  !  Her  lovely  hands  were  poised; 

79 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

one  of  them  now  goes  to  her  bosom  and 
presses  there.  There  is  nothing  icy  about 
this  New  Woman  now. 

ERNEST 

[as  unconscious  of  danger  as  a  mountain-lion  on 
an  inaccessible  height,  smiles  easily  at   his 
sentimental  old  friend  THEODORE] 
How  do  you  know  "the  right  one"  hasn't 
come  already  ? 

[THEODORE  catches  sight  of  HELEN.  She 
shakes  her  head  in  silent  pleading,  taps  a 
finger  on  her  lips,  and  in  a  panic  flees 
noiselessly  across  toward  the  door. 

THEODORE 

[suppressing  a  laugh] 
Then  don't  let  her  go  by ! 

[HELEN  stops  at  the  door  and  makes  a  face  at 
THEODORE. 

ERNEST 

[affecting  indifference} 
Oh,  I  couldn't  stop  her,  even  if  I  wanted  to. 

THEODORE 

[turning  to  wink  at  HELEN] 

How  do  you  know  ?  Did  you  ever  ask  her  ? 

80 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

To  marry  me  ?  Oh,  no !  She  hasn't  any 
money. 

THEODORE 

[HELEN  is  dumfounded] 
Money  !  You  wouldn't  marry  for  money ! 

[HELEN  draws  near  to  hear  the  answer. 

^  ERNEST 

You  don't  suppose  I'd  marry  a  woman  who 
hadn't  any?  Most  selfish  thing  a  poor  man  can 
do.  [HELEN  is  interested. 

THEODORE 
Oh,  fiddlesticks  !  You  modern  young  people  — 

ERNEST 

[interrupts] 

Make  her  a  sort  of  superior  servant  in  an  in 
ferior  home  —  not  that  girl !  [HELEN  is  pleased. 

THEODORE 

Feministic  nonsense !  The  old-fashioned  wo 
manly  woman 

Si 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

Sentimental  twaddle !  What  makes  it  more 
"womanly"  to  do  menial  work  for  men  than 
intellectual  work  with  them  ? 

[HELEN  delighted,  applauds  noiselessly. 

THEODORE 

All  the  same,  I'll  bet  you  wouldn't  let  a  little 
thing  like  that  stand  in  your  way  if  you  really 
cared  for  a  woman  enough  to  marry  her. 

ERNEST 

[benign  and  secure] 

But,  as  it  happens,  I  don't.  Nothing  could 
induce  me  to  marry. 

[HELEN  raises  her  chin,  her  eyes  glitter  dan 
gerously. 

THEODORE 

So  you  are  going  to  run  away  to  Europe  like 
a  coward  ? 

ERNEST 

[smiles  patronizingly] 

Theodore,  you  are  such  an  incorrigible  ideal 
ist  !  I  have  nothing  to  be  afraid  of  —  I  simply 
do  not  care  to  marry  ! 

82 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 
That's  just  what  /  said  ! 

[All  turn  and  behold  HELEN. 

ERNEST 
My  heavens !       [He  steps  back  like  a  coward. 

HELEN 

But  I  agree  with  you  perfectly.  [She  holds  out 
her  hand  to  him.]  I  was  so  afraid  you  believed  in 
marriage.  [He  rushes  to  her  eagerly. 

JUDGE 

[as  the  lovers  shake  hands] 
You  wronged  him.  Apologize. 

ERNEST 

Why  —  why  —  all  this  time,  I  thought  you 
had  the  usual  attitude. 

JUDGE 
Wronged  her.  Both  apologize. 

HELEN 

Why  didn't  you  ever  tell  me  you  had  such 
enlightened  views  ? 

83 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 
Why  didn't  you  ever  tell  me  ? 

JUDGE 

Each  understands  the  other  now.  Everything 
lovely ! 

HELEN 
Think  of  the  discussions  we  might  have  had  ! 

JUDGE 

Not  too  late  yet.  Julia  and  I  had  discussions 
for  a  quarter  of  a  century. 

HELEN 

Don't  think  I  had  any  hand  in  this.  [Laughs.] 
I  was  going  to  warn  you,  but  now  —  it  is  un 
necessary  now. 

ERNEST 
Warn  me  ?  What  do  you  mean  ? 

HELEN 

Can't  you  see  ?  It  was  all  a  plot !  [Lucv  draws 
near  noiselessly.]  A  plot  to  entrap  you  in  mar 
riage !  They -had  about  given  me  up  as  a  bad 

84 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

job.  You  were  my  last  hope.  They  were  going 
to  throw  me  at  your  head.  [Louder  but  without 
turning.]  Weren't  you,  Lucy  dear  ? 

LUCY 

[caught  listening,  turns  abruptly  to  the  others] 
These  New  Women  are  utterly  shameless. 

HELEN 

[to  ERNEST] 

These  old-fashioned  women  are  utterly  shame 
less.  After  a  decent  interval,  they  will  all  with 
one  accord  make  excuses  to  leave  us  here  alone, 
so  that  I  can  —  [she  comes  nearer]  ensnare  you  ! 
[ERNEST  laughs  nervously.]  Lucy  is  going  to  say 
—  [imitates  LUCY'S  sweet  tones]:  "If  you'll  ex 
cuse  me,  I  always  take  forty  winks  before  dress 
ing."  Dressing  is  the  hardest  work  Lucy  has  to 
do.  Cousin  Theodore  will  find  that  he  must 
write  to  his  wife,  and  Uncle  Everett  will  feel  a 
yearning  for  the  billiard  room.  [ERNEST  is  nod 
ding  and  chuckling.]  They're  hanging  on  longer 
than  usual  to-day,  and  I  simply  must  have  a 
talk  with  you. 

ERNEST 

Our  shop-talk  would  scandalize  'em ! 
85 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

Wait,  I'll  get  rid  of  them  ! 

[She  sits  and  begins  to  make  tea. 

ERNEST 
I've  had  my  tea,  thanks. 

HELEN 

Stupid !  Sit  down.  [Indicates  a  chair  close  to 
hers.  He  takes  it  cautiously.]  We'll  have  a  little 
fun  with  them  in  a  minute. 

[She  is  busy  now  making  tea. 

THEODORE 

[to  LUCY  and  the  JUDGE  apart] 
You  may  be  right,  Uncle  Everett,  but  upon 
my  word  it  is  the  strangest  courtship  I  ever 
witnessed. 

LUCY 

They  ought  to  be  spanked. 

JUDGE 

Don't  worry,  old  Mother  Nature  will  attend 
to  that. 

LUCY 

Well,  I  may  be  old-fashioned,  but 

86 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

[interrupting] 

But  this  is  merely  a  new  fashion,  my  dear 
Lucy.  Nature  her  ancient  custom  holds,  let 
science  say  what  it  will. 

- 

HELEN 

[handing  cup  to  ERNEST  with  a  glance  at  the 

others] 

Now,  then,  be  attentive  to  me.  [He  leans  to 
ward  her  rather  shyly ',  abashed  by  her  nearness. 
She  makes  eyes  at  him  reproachfully.]  Oh,  can't 
you  be  more  attentive  than  that?  [She  acts  like 
a  coquette  and  he  looks  into  her  beautiful  eyes  and 
while  he  is  doing  so  she  says  with  a  fascinating 
drawl]  Now  tell  me  a-all  about  anterior  polio 
myelitis  ! 

ERNEST 

[suddenly  taken  aback,  he  laughs] 

Nothing  doing  since  you  left. 

[And  bends  close  to  explain. 

LUCY 

If  you'll   excuse   me,    Doctor   Hamilton,   I 
87 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

always  take  forty  winks  before  dressing.  We 
dine  at  eight. 

[Going,  she  signals  to  the  others.  ERNEST  and 
HELEN  exchange  smiles. 

THEODORE 

[laughing,  to  LUCY] 

Ss't !  Don't  tell  John  what's  going  on !  Keep 
him  busy  telephoning.  [LucY  nods  excitedly  and 
almost  runs  to  obey  the  Church}  Helen,  if  you 
and  Ernest  will  excuse  me,  I  really  must  write 
to  Mary. 

[Their  shoulders  are  close  together  and  they 
seem  too  absorbed  to  reply.  THEODORE 
smiles  down  upon  them  and  signals  the 
JUDGE  to  come  along.  The  JUDGE,  how 
ever,  shakes  his  head  but  waves  THEO 
DORE  into  the  house.  Uncle  Everett  looks  at 
the  lovers  with  quizzical  interest.  He  draws 
near  and  eavesdrops  shamelessly. 

HELEN 

You  oughtn't  to  have  dropped  the  polio  ex 
periments. 

ERNEST 

You  oughtn't  to  have  dropped  me  —  right 
in  the  midst  of  the  experiments.  Those  agar 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

plates  you  were  incubating  dried  up  and  spoiled. 
You  played  the  very  devil  with  my  data. 

JUDGE 
God  bless  my  soul !  what  are  we  coming  to  ? 

HELEN 

[without  turning] 

It's  perfectly  proper  for  your  little  ears, 
uncle,  only  you  can't  understand  a  word  of  it. 
Won't  any  one  play  billiards  with  you  ? 

JUDGE 

But  I'm  fascinated.  It's  so  idyllic.  Makes  me 
feel  young  again. 

HELEN 

[to  ERNEST] 

Oh,  you  have  plenty  of  men  assistants  who 
can  estimate  antitoxin  units. 

ERNEST 

Men  assistants  lose  interest.  They  are  all  so 
confoundedly  ambitious  to  do  original  work. 
Why  is  it  women  can  stand  day  after  day  of  mo 
notonous  detail  better  than  men  ? 

89 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

Because  men  always  made  them  tend  the 
home ! 

JUDGE 

Ah,  nothing  like  a  good  old-fashioned  love 
scene  —  in  the  scientific  spirit. 

HELEN 

Uncle,  dear !  Can't  you  see  that  he  is  paying 
me  wonderful  compliments  ?  Haven't  you  any 
tact  ?  Go  and  play  Canfield  in  the  library. 

JUDGE 

[lighting  cigar] 

Very  well,  I'll  leave  you  to  your  own  devices 
—  and  may  God,  your  God,  have  mercy  on  your 
scientific  souls. 

HELEN 

[with  sudden  animation  and  camaraderie,  think' 

ing  they  are  alone] 

Now  I  must  tell  you  what  Doctor  Metchni- 
koff  said  about  you  and  your  future  ! 

JUDGE 

Sst !  [HELEN  and  ERNEST  turn.}  My  children 
90 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

—  [Pause  —  raises  his  hand.]  Don't  forget  the 
scientific  spirit ! 

[The  JUDGE    saunters  off  into   the  garden, 
smoking. 

ERNEST 
How  did  you  ever  meet  Metchnikoff  ? 

HELEN 

[chaffing] 

I  had  worked  under  Hamilton !  They  all 
wanted  to  meet  me. 

ERNEST 

[with  an  unmistakable  look] 
U'm  .  .  .  was  that  why?  [Fleeing  danger] 
Didn't  you  let  them  know  your  part  in  that 
discovery  ?  Why,  if  it  hadn't  been  for  you,  I 
should  never  have  stumbled  upon  the  thing 
at  all. 

HELEN 

Oh,  I  know  my  place  too  well  for  that !  Talk 
about  artistic  temperament,  you  scientists  are 
worse  than  prima  donnas. 

ERNEST 

[takes  printers'  proofs  out  of  pocket,  hands  them 

to  her  in  silence] 

Some  proofs  of  a  monograph  I  was  correcting 
91 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

on  the  train.  Mind  hammering  those  loose  sen 
tences  of  mine  into  decent  English  ?  You  can 
write  —  I  can't. 

HELEN 

[reading  innocently] 

"Recent  Experiments  in  Anterior  Poliomye 
litis  by  Ernest  Hamilton,  M.D.,  Ph.D.,  and 
Helen"  —  what !  why,  you've  put  my  name  with 
yours  !  [Much  excited  and  delighted. 

ERNEST 

Well,  if  you  object  —  like  a  prima  donna 

[Takes  out  pencil  to  mark  on  proof. 

HELEN 

[snatching  proofs  away] 

Object  ?  Why,  this  makes  my  reputation  in 
the  scientific  world. 

ERNEST 
Well,  didn't  you  make  mine  ? 

HELEN 

[still  glowing  with  pride,  but  touched  by  his  unex 
pected  generosity] 

You  can't  imagine  what  this  means  to  me. 
It's  so  hard  for  a  woman  to  get  any  recognition. 

92 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

Most  men  have  but  one  use  for  us.  If  we  get 
interested  in  anything  but  them  it  is  "un 
womanly"  —  they  call  it  "a  fad."  But  they've 
got  to  take  me  seriously  now.  My  name  with 
Ernest  Hamilton's ! 

,     [Points  to  her  name  and  swaggers  back  and 
forth. 

ERNEST 
[bantering] 

But  then,  you  see,  you  are  a  very  exceptional 
woman.  Why,  you  have  a  mind  like  a  man. 

HELEN 

Like  a  man  ?  [Coming  close  to  him,  tempting 
him.]  If  you  had  a  mind  like  a  woman  you 
would  know  better  than  to  say  that  to  me ! 

[Re-enter  JUDGE  from  garden.  He  smiles  and 
glances  at  them.  The  lovers  keep  quiet  as 
he  crosses  to  the  door.  Then  they  look  at 
each  other  and  smile.  JUDGE  has  gone  into 
the  house.  It  is  nearly  dark.  The  moon  is 
rising. 

ERNEST 
[raises  eyebrows} 

They  all  take  for  granted  that  I  want  to 
make  love  to  you.  [Smiles  but  avoids  her  eyes. 

93 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 
[avoids  his] 

Well,  you  took  for  granted  that  I  wanted 
you  to !  .  .  .  You  are  about  the  most  conceited 
man  I  ever  knew. 

ERNEST 
How  can  I  help  it  when  you  admire  me  so  ? 

HELEN 
I  ?  Admire  you  ? 

ERNEST 

You're  always  telling  me  what  great  things 
I'm  going  to  do  —  stimulating  me,  pushing  me 
along.  Why,  after  you  left,  everything  went 
slump.  Tell  me,  why  did  you  leave  ?  Was  I  rude 
to  you  ?  Did  I  hurt  your  feelings  ? 

HELEN 

Not  in  the  least.  It  was  entirely  out  of  respect 
for  your  feelings. 

ERNEST 

My  feelings  ?  [Laughing.]  Oh,  I  see.  You  got  it 
into  your  head  that  /  wanted  to  marry  you  ! 

94 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 
Men  sometimes  do. 

ERNEST 

[looks  away] 
I  suppose  they  do. 

HELEN 
It's  been  known  to  happen. 

ERNEST 

Talk   about   conceit !  Well,  you   needn't  be 
afraid !  I'll  never  ask  you  to  marry  me. 

HELEN 

[turns  and  looks  at  him  a  moment} 
You  can't  imagine  what  a  weight  this  takes 
off  my  mind.  [She  looks  away  and  sighs. 

ERNEST 

[enthusiastically] 

Yes !  I  feel  as  if  a  veil  between  us  had  been 
lifted. 

[He  looks  away  and  sighs  too.  Some  one  be 
gins- "  Tristan  and  Isolde"  on  the  piano 
within.  The  moon  is  up. 

95 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

[after  a  pause] 
Suppose  we  talk  about  —  our  work. 

ERNEST 

Yes  !  Our  work.  Let's  drop  the  other  subject. 
Look  at  the  moon ! 

[Music  and  the  moonlight  flooding  them. 

HELEN 

Seriously,  you  promise  never  to  mention  the 
subject  again  ?  [She  keeps  her  eyes  averted. 

ERNEST 
I  promise.  [He  keeps  his  eyes  averted. 

HELEN 

[turning  to  him  with  a  sudden  change  to  girlish 
enthusiasm} 

Then  I'll  go  to  Paris  with  you ! 

ERNEST 
[recoils] 
What's  that  ? 

HELEN 

Why,  Doctor  Metchnikoff  —  he  promised  me 
he  would  invite  you. 

96 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

Yes,  but  — 

HELEN 

Don't  miss  the  chance  of  a  lifetime ! 

ERNEST 
No,  but  you  —  you  can't  come ! 

HELEN 

[simply] 
If  you  need  me  I  can,  and  you  just  said 

ERNEST 
But  you  mustn't  come  to  Paris  with  me ! 

HELEN 
Don't  you  want  me  with  you  ? 

ERNEST 

You  are  to  stay  at  home  and  run  the  depart 
ment  for  me. 

HELEN 

[stepping  back] 

Don't  you  want  me  with  you  ? 
97 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

[stepping  forward,  with  his  heart  in  voice] 
Do  I  want  you !  [Stops.]  But  I  am  a  man  — 
you  are  a  woman. 

HELEN 

What  of  it  ?  Are  you  one  of  those  small  men 
who  care  what  people  say  ?  No  !  That's  not  your 
reason  !  [She  sees  that  it  is  not.]  What  is  it  ?  You 
must  tell  me. 

ERNEST 
[hesitates] 
It's  only  for  your  sake. 

HELEN 

[with  feeling] 

Think  of  all  I've  done  for  your  sake.  You 
wouldn't  be  going  yourself  but  for  me !  I  was 
the  one  to  see  you  needed  it,  I  proposed  it  to 
Metchnikoff  —  I  urged  him  —  made  him  ask 
you  —  for  your  sake!  And  now  am  I  to  be  left 
at  home  like  a  child  because  you  don't  care 
to  be  embarrassed  with  me? 

ERNEST 

Oh,  please !  This  is  so  unfair.  But  I  simply 
can't  take  you  now. 

98 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

[with  growing  scorn] 

Oh  !  You  are  all  alike.  You  pile  work  upon  me 
until  I  nearly  drop,  you  play  upon  my  inter 
est,  my  sympathy  —  you  get  all  you  can  out  of 
me  —  my  youth,  my  strength,  my  best !  And 
then,  just  as  I,  too,  have  a  chance  to  arrive  in 
my  profession,  you,  of  all  men,  throw  me  over ! 
I  hate  men.  I  hate  you ! 

ERNEST 
And  I  love  you  ! 

[They  stare  at  each  other  in  silence,  the  moon 
light  flooding  HELEN'S  face,  the  music 
coming  clear. 

HELEN 

[in  an  awed  whisper,  stepping  back  slowly} 
I've  done  it!  I've  done  it!  I  knew  I'd  do  it! 

ERNEST 
No.  I  did  it.  Forgive  me.  I  had  to  do  it. 

HELEN 

Oh,  and  this  spoils  everything ! 
99 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 
[comes  closer] 

No !  It  glorifies  everything !  [He  breaks  loose.] 
I  have  loved  you  from  the  first  day  you  came 
and  looked  up  at  me  for  orders.  I  didn't  want 
you  there;  I  didn't  want  any  woman  there. 
I  tried  to  tire  you  out  with  overwork  but 
couldn't.  I  tried  to  drive  you  out  by  rudeness, 
but  you  stayed.  And  that  made  me  love  you 
more.  Oh,  I  love  you !  I  love  you !  I  love  you ! 

HELEN 
Don't;  oh,  don't  love  me ! 

ERNEST 
[still  closer] 

Why,  I  never  knew  there  could  be  women 
like  you.  I  thought  women  were  merely  some 
thing  to  be  wanted  and  worshipped,  petted 
and  patronized.  But  now  —  why,  I  love  every 
thing  about  you:  your  wonderful,  brave  eyes 
that  face  the  naked  facts  of  life  and  are  not 
ashamed;  those  beautiful  hands  that  toiled  so 
long,  so  well,  so  close  to  mine  and  not  afraid, 
not  afraid  ! 

HELEN 

You  mustn't !  I  am  afraid  now !  I  made  you 

100 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

say  it.  [Smiling  and  crying.}  I  have  always 
wanted  to  make  you  say  it.  I  have  always  sworn 
you  shouldn't. 

ERNEST 
[pained] 
Because  you  cannot  care  enough  ? 

HELEN 
Enough  ?  .  .  .  Too  much. 

ERNEST 

[overwhelmed] 
You  —  love  —  me ! 

[He  takes  her  in  his  arms,  a  silent  embrace 
with  only  the  bland  blase  moon  looking  on. 

HELEN 

It  is  because  I  love  you  that  I  didn't  want 
you  to  say  it  —  only  I  did.  It  is  because  I  love 
you  that  I  went  abroad  —  to  stay,  only  I 
couldn't !  I  couldn't  stay  away !  [She  holds  his 
face  in  her  hands.}  Oh,  do  you  know  how  I 
love  you  ?  No !  .  .  .  you're  only  a  man  ! 

ERNEST 

[kissing  her  rapturously] 

Every  day  there  in  the  laboratory,  when  you 
101 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

in  your  apron  —  that  dear  apron  which  I  stole 
from  your  locker  when  you  left  me  —  when  you 
asked  for  orders  —  did  you  know  that  I  wanted 
to  say:  "Love  me"  !  Every  day  when  you  took 
up  your  work,  did  you  never  guess  that  I 
wanted  to  take  you  up  in  my  arms  ? 

HELEN 

[smiling  up  into  his  face] 
Why  didn't  you  ? 

ERNEST 

Thank  God  I  didn't!  For  while  we  worked 
there  together  I  came  to  know  you  as  few  men 
ever  know  the  women  they  desire.  Woman  can 
be  more  than  sex,  as  man  is  more  than  sex. 
And  all  this  makes  man  and  woman  not  less 
but  more  overwhelmingly  desirable  and  neces 
sary  to  each  other,  and  makes  both  things  last 
—  not  for  a  few  years,  but  forever ! 

[Sound  of  voices  approaching  from  the  gar 
den.  The  lovers  separate.  It  is  JEAN  and 
REX,  REX  laughing,  JEAN  dodging  until 
caught  and  kissed. 

JEAN 

No,  no  —  it's  time  to  dress.  ...  Be  good, 
Rex  —  don't ! 

1 02 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

[Without  seeing  HELEN  and  ERNEST,  they 
disappear  into  the  house.  HELEN  is  sud 
denly  changed,  as  if  awakened  from  a  spell 
of  enchantment. 

HELEN 

What  have  we  done !  This  is  all  moonlight 
and  madness.  To-morrow  comes  the  clear  light 
of  day. 

ERNEST 
Ah,  but  we'll  love  each  other  to-morrow ! 

HELEN 

But  we  cannot  marry  —  then  or  any  other 
to-morrow. 

ERNEST 

Can't  ?  What  nonsense  ! 

HELEN 

[shaking  her  head  and  restraining  him} 
I  have  slaved  for  you  all  these  months  —  not 
because  I  wanted  to  win  you  from  your  work 
but  to  help  you  in  it.  And  now  —  after  all  — 
shall  I  destroy  you  ?  No  !  No  ! 
103 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

I  love  you  —  you  love  me  —  nothing  else 
matters. 

HELEN 

Everything  else  matters.  I'm  not  a  little 
debutante  to  be  persuaded  that  I  am  needed 
because  I  am  wanted  !  I  haven't  played  with 
you;  I  have  worked  with  you,  and  I  know ! 
Think  of  Theodore  !  Think  of  Lucy !  And  now 
poor  little  Jean.  Marry  you  ?  Never ! 

ERNEST 
You  mean  your  career  ? 

HELEN 

[with  supreme  scorn] 
My  career  ?  No !  yours  —  always  yours ! 

ERNEST 

[with  the  same  scorn  and  a  snap  of  the  fingers] 
Then  that  for  my  career.  I'll  go  back  into  pri 
vate  practice  and  make  a  million. 

HELEN 

That's  just  what  I  said  you'd  do.  Just  what 
you  must  not  do !  Your  work  is  needed  by  the 
world. 

104 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

[wooing] 

You  are  my  world  and  I  need  you.  .  .  .  But 
there  is  no  love  without  marriage,  no  marriage 
without  money.  .  .  .  We  can  take  it  or  leave 
it.  Can  we  leave  it  ?  No  !  I  can't  —  you  can't ! 
Come !  [She  steps  back  slowly.]  Why  should  we 
sacrifice  the  best !  Come ! 

HELEN 

So  this  is  what  marriage  means !  Then  I 
cannot  marry  you,  Ernest ! 

ERNEST 

You  cannot  do  without  me,  Helen !  [Holds 
out  his  arms.]  Come  !  You  have  been  in  my  arms 
once.  You  and  I  can  never  forget  that  now.  We 
can  never  go  back  now.  It's  all  —  or  nothing 
now.  Come !  [She  is  struggling  against  her  pas 
sion.  He  stands  still,  with  arms  held  out.]  I  shall 
not  woo  you  against  your  will,  but  you  are  com 
ing  to  me !  Because,  by  all  the  powers  of  earth 
and  heaven,  you  are  mine  and  I  am  yours ! 
Come ! 

[Like  a  homing  pigeon  she  darts  into  his  arms 
with  a  gasp  of  joy.  A  rapturous  embrace  in 

105 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

silence  with  the  moonlight  streaming  down 
upon  them.  The  music  has  stopped. 
JOHN,  dressed  for  dinner,  strolls  out  upon 
the  terrace.  He  stops  abruptly  upon  dis 
covering  them.  The  lovers  are  too  absorbed 
to  be  aware  of  his  presence. 


106 


ACT  II 


ACT  II 

It  is  the  next  morning,  Sunday. 

It  appears  that  at  JOHN'S  country  place  they  have 
breakfast  at  small  tables  out  upon  the  broad, 
shaded  terrace  overlooking  the  glorious  view 
of  his  little  farm. 

ERNEST  and  THEODORE,  the  scientist  and  the 
clergyman,  are  breakfasting  together.  The  oth 
ers  are  either  breakfasting  in  their  rooms  or 
are  not  yet  down,  it  being  Sunday. 

The  man  of  God  is  enjoying  his  material  bless 
ings  heartily.  Also  he  seems  to  be  enjoying 
his  view  of  the  man  of  science,  who  eats  little 

and  says  less. 

\ 

THEODORE 

[with  coffee-cup  poised] 

WHAT'S   the  matter  with  your  appe 
tite  this  morning,  Ernest  ?  [ERNEST, 

gazing  up  at  one  of  the  second-story 
windows,  does  not  hear.  The  door  opens.  He  starts. 
Then,  seeing  it's  only  a  servant  with  food,  he 

109 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

sighs.]  Expecting  something  ?  The  codfish  balls  ? 
Well,  here  they  are.  [£RNEST  refuses  the  prof 
fered  codfish  balls,  scowls,  brings  out  cigar  case, 
lights  cigar,  looks  at  watch,  and  fidgets.]  Oh,  I 
know  —  you're  crazy  to  go  with  me  —  to 
church  !  [ERNEST  doesn't  hear.  Creates  a  cloud  of 
smoke.]  Their  regular  rector  is  ill.  So  I  agreed  to 
take  the  service  this  morning.  .  .  .  Always  the 
way  when  off  for  a  rest  .  .  .  isn't  it  ?  [No 
answer.  THEODORE  gets  up,  walks  around  the 
table,  and  shouts  in  ERNEST'S  face.]  Isn't  it? 

ERNEST 
[startled] 
I  beg  your  pardon  ? 

THEODORE 

[laughs,  ERNEST  wondering  what's  the  joke] 
Oh,  you're  hopeless!  [Going.]  I  can't  stand 
people  who  talk  so  much  at  breakfast. 

ERNEST 

[suddenly  wakes  up] 

Wait  a  minute.  Sit  down.  Have  a  cigar.  Let's 
talk  about  God.  [THEODORE  stops  smiling.]  But 
I  mean  it.  I'd  like  to  have  a  religion  myself, 
no 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 
I  had  an  idea  you  took  no  stock  in  religion. 

[Takes  the  cigar.  ERNEST  holds  a  match  for 
him. 

ERNEST 
[enthusiastically] 

Just  what  I  thought,   until  .  .  .  well,  I've 
made  a  discovery,  a  great  discovery! 

THEODORE 
A  scientific  discovery  ? 

ERNEST 

[with  a  wave  of  the  hand} 
It  makes  all  science  look  like  a  ...  mere 
machine. 

THEODORE 

Well,  if  you  feel  so  strongly  about  it  ... 
better  come  to  church  after  all ! 

ERNEST 

I'm  not  talking  about  the  Church  —  I'm  talk 
ing  about  religion. 

Ill 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 

You're  not  talking  about  religion;  you're  talk 
ing  about  —  love. 

ERNEST 

[quietly] 

Certainly;  the  same  thing,  isn't  it?  I'm  talk 
ing  about  the  divine  fire  that  glorifies  life  and 
perpetuates  it  —  the  one  eternal  thing  we  mor 
tals  share  with  God.  .  .  .  If  that  isn't  religious, 
what  is  ?  [THEODORE  smiles  indulgently.]  Tell 
me,  Theodore  —  you  know  I  wasn't  allowed  to 
go  to  church  when  young,  and  since  then  I've 
always  worked  on  the  holy  Sabbath  day,  like 
yourself — does  the  Church  still  let  innocent  hu 
man  beings  think  there's  something  inherently 
wrong  about  sex  ?  [THEODORE  drops  his  eyes. 
ERNEST  disgusted  with  him.}  I  see !  Good  people 
should  drop  their  eyes  even  at  the  mention  of 
the  word. 

THEODORE 

Sex  is  a  necessary  evil,  I  admit,  but 

ERNEST 
[laughs] 

Evil !  The  God-given  impulse  which  accounts 
for  you  sitting  there,  for  me  sitting  here  ?  The 
112 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

splendid  instinct  which  writes  our  poetry, 
builds  our  civilizations,  founds  our  churches  — 
the  very  heart  and  soul  of  life  is  evil.  Really, 
Theodore,  I  don't  know  much  about  religion, 
but  that  strikes  me  as  blasphemy  against  the 
Creator. 

THEODORE 

Very  scientific,  my  boy,  very  modern;  but 
the  Church  believed  in  marriage  before  Science 
was  born. 

ERNEST 
As  a  compromise  with  evil  ? 

THEODORE 
As  a  sacrament  of  religion  —  and  so  do  you  ! 

ERNEST 

Good  !  Then  why  practise  and  preach  marriage 
as  a  sacrament  of  property?  "Who  giveth  this 
woman  to  be  married  to  this  man  — "  Women 
are  still  goods  and  chattels  to  be  given  or  sold, 
are  they  ? 

THEODORE 
Oh,  nonsense ! 

"3 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

Then  why  keep  on  making  them  promise  to 
"serve  and  obey"?  Why  marry  them  with  a 
ring  —  the  link  of  the  ancient  chain  ?  [He  smiles.] 
In  the  days  of  physical  force  it  was  made  of 
iron  —  now  of  gold.  But  it's  still  a  chain,  isn't 
it? 

THEODORE 

Symbols,  my  dear  fellow,  not  to  be  taken  in  a 
literal  sense  —  time-honored  and  beautiful  sym 
bols. 

ERNEST 

But  why  insult  a  woman  you  respect  —  even 
symbolically  ? 

THEODORE 

[with  a  laugh] 
Oh,  you  scientists ! 

ERNEST 

[joining  in  the  laugh] 

We  try  to  find  the  truth  —  and  you  try  to 

hide  it,  eh  ?  Well,  there's  one  thing  we  have  in 

common,  anyway — one  faith  I'll  never  doubt 

again;  I  believe  in  Heaven  now.  I  always  shall. 

114 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 
Do  you  mind  telling  me  why,  my  boy  ? 

ERNEST 

Not  in  the  least.  I've  been  there.  QOHN  comes 
out  to  breakfast.  He  is  scowling.]  Good  morning; 
could  you  spare  me  five  minutes? 

JOHN 

[ringing  bell] 
Haven't  had  breakfast  yet. 

ERNEST 
After  breakfast  ? 

JOHN 
I've  an  appointment  with  young  Baker. 

ERNEST 

[smiles] 
I'll  wait  my  turn. 

JOHN 

Going  to  be  pretty  busy  to-day  —  you,  too,  I 
suppose,  if  you're  sailing  to-morrow. 

"5 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

I  can  postpone  sailing.  This  is  more  impor 
tant. 

JOHN 

I  should  hate  to  see  anything  interfere  with 
your  career. 

[Lucv  also  arrives  for  breakfast.  She  "al 
ways  pours  her  husband's  co/ee." 

ERNEST 

I  appreciate  your  interest,  but  I'll  look  out 
for  my  "career."  [To  LUCY.]  Could  you  tell  me 
when  your  sister  will  be  down  ? 

JOHN 

[overriding  LUCY] 

My  sister  is  ill  and  won't  be  down  at  all  ... 
until  after  you  leave. 

[LucY  pretends  not  to  hear.  THEODORE  walks 
away. 

ERNEST 

[aroused,  but  calm] 

I  don't  believe  you  quite  understand.  It  is  a 
matter  of  indifference  to  me  whether  we  have 
a  talk  or  not.  Entirely  out  of  courtesy  to  you 
that  I  suggest  it. 

116 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 
Don't  inconvenience  yourself  on  my  account. 

ERNEST 

[shrugs  shoulders  and  turns  to  THEODORE] 
Wait,  I  think  I'll  sit  in  church  till  train  time. 

THEODORE 
[smoothing  it  over} 

Come  along.  I'm  going  to  preach  about 
marriage !  [THEODORE  starts  off. 

ERNEST 

[g°ing>  turns  to  LUCY] 

Thanks  for  your  kindness.  Will  you  ask  the 
valet  to  pack  my  things,  please?  I'll  call  for 
them  on  the  way  to  the  station.  [To  JOHN.]  Do 
you  understand  ?  I  have  no  favors  to  ask  of 
you.  You  don't  own  your  sister  —  she  owns 
herself.  [The  scientist  goes  to  church. 

JOHN 

[with  a  loud  laugh,  turns  to  LUCY] 
Rather  impertinent  for  a  two-thousand-dol 
lar  man,  I  think.  [Resumes  breakfast,  picks  up 
newspaper.  LUCY  says  nothing,  attending  to  his 
117 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

; 

wants  solicitously.]  Bah  !  what  does  this  high 
brow  know  about  the  power  men  of  my  sort 
can  use  .  .  .  when  we  have  to?  [Lucv  cringes 
dutifully  in  silence.  JOHN,  paper  in  one  hand, 
brusquely  passes  cup  to  LUCY  with  other.}  Helen 
got  her  own  way  about  college,  about  work, 
about  living  in  her  own  apartment  —  but  if  she 
thinks  she  can  put  this  across !  Humph  !  These 
modern  women  must  learn  their  place.  [LucY, 
smiling  timidly,  returns  cup.  JOHN  takes  it  with 
out  thanks,  busied  in  newspapers.  A  look  of  re 
sentment  creeps  over  LUCY'S  pretty  face,  now  that 
he  can't  see  her.]  Ah !  I've  got  something  up 
my  sleeve  for  that  young  woman.  [LucY  says 
nothing,  looks  of  contempt  while  he  reads.]  Well, 
why  don't  you  say  something  ? 

LUCY 

[startled] 

I   thought  you   didn't   like  me  to  talk   at 
breakfast,  dear. 

JOHN 

Think  I  like  you  to  sit  there  like  a  mummy  ? 
[No  reply.]  Haven't  you  anything  to  say  ?  [Ap 
parently  not.]  You  never  have  any  more,  noth 
ing  interesting.  .  .  .  Does  it  ever  occur  to  you 
that  I'd  like  to  be  diverted?  .  .  .No! 
Ill 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

LUCY 

Yes.  .  .  .  Would  you  mind  very  much  if  ... 
if  I  left  you,  John  ? 

JOHN 
Left  me  ?  When  —  where  —  how  long  ? 

LUCY 

[gathering  courage] 
Now  —  any  place  —  entirely. 

JOHN 

[bursts  out  laughing] 
What  suddenly  put  this  notion  in  your  head  ? 

LUCY 

I'm  sorry  —  John,  but  I've  had  it  —  oh,  for 
years.  I  never  dared  ask  you  till  now. 

JOHN 

[still  glancing  over  paper] 

Like  to  leave  me,  would  you  ?  .  .  .  You  have 
no  grounds  for  divorce,  my  dear. 

LUCY 

But  you  will  have  —  after  I  leave  you. 
119 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 
JOHN 

\yazvns] 
You  have  no  lover  to  leave  with. 

LUCY 

[daintily] 

But  couldn't  I  just  desert  you  —  without 
anything  horrid  ? 

JOHN 

[reads] 
No  money  to  desert  with. 

LUCY 

[springs  up  —  at  bay] 

You  won't  let  me  escape  decently  when  I 
tell  you  I  don't  want  to  stay?  When  I  tell  you 
I  can't  stand  being  under  your  roof  any  longer? 
When  I  tell  you  I'm  sick  of  this  life  ? 

JOHN 

[gets  up  calmly} 

But,  you  see,  I  can  stand  it.  I  want  you  to 
stay.  I'm  not  sick  of  it.  You  belong  to  me. 

LUCY 

[shrinking  away  as  he  approaches} 
Don't  touch  me !  Every  time  you  come  near 
me  I  have  to  nerve  myself  to  stand  it. 

120 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

What's  got  into  you  ?  Don't  I  give  you  every 
thing  money  can  buy  ?  My  God,  if  I  only  gave 
you  something  to  worry  about;  if  I  ran  after 
other  women  like  old  man  Baker 

LUCY 

If  you  only  would !  —  Then  you'd  let  me 
alone.  To  me  you  are  repulsive. 

JOHN 

[taking  hold  of  her} 
Lucy  !  You  are  my  wife. 

LUCY 

[looking  him  straight  in  the  eye} 
But  you  don't  respect   me,  and  I  —  I  hate 
you  —  oh,  how  I  hate  you  ! 

JOHN 

[holds  her  fast} 
I  am  your  husband,  your  lawful  husband. 

LUCY 

[stops  struggling 

Yes,  this  is  lawful  —  but,  oh,  what  laws  you 
men  have  made  for  women ! 

[The  JUDGE  comes  out,  carrying  a  telegram. 

121 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

Rather  early  in  the  day  for  conjugal  embraces, 
if  you  should  ask  me.  QOHN  and  LUCY  separate.] 
Makes  me  quite  sentimental  and  homesick. 

[JuDGE  raises  telegram  and  kisses  it. 

LUCY 

[calming  herself] 

From  Aunt  Julia  again  ?  Do  you  get  tele 
grams  every  day  from  Reno  ? 

JUDGE 

No,  but  she  caught  cold.  Went  to  the  theatre 
last  night  and  caught  a  cold.  So  she  wired  me 
—  naturally;  got  the  habit  of  telling  me  her 
troubles,  can't  break  it,  even  in  Reno. 

JOHN 
I  thought  she  hated  the  theatre ! 

JUDGE 

So  she  does,  but  I'm  fond  of  it;  she  went  for 
my  sake.  She's  got  the  habit  of  sacrificing  her 
self  for  me.  Just  as  hard  to  break  good  habits 
as  bad. 

JOHN 

True  women  enjoy  sacrificing  themselves. 
122 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

Yes,  that's  what  we  tell  them.  Well,  we 
ought  to  know.  We  make  'em  do  it.  [Brings  out 
a  fountain  pen  and  sits  abruptly.]  That's  what 
I'll  tell  her.  I  can  hear  her  laugh.  You  know 
her  laugh. 

LUCY 

[rings  for  a  servant] 
A  telegraph  blank  ? 

JUDGE 

[with  a  humorous  expression  he  brings  a  whole 
pad   of   telegraph    blanks    out    of    another 
pocket] 
Carry  them  with  me  nowadays.   [Begins  to 

write.]  Wish  I  hadn't  sold  my  Western  Union, 

John. 


JOHN 

I  don't  believe  you  want  that  divorce  very 
uch. 


JUDGE 

It  doesn't  matter  what  /  want— what  she 
wants  is  the  point.  You  must  give  the  woman 
you  marry  tutti-frutti,  divorces  —  everything. 
123 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

.  .  .  Why,  I've  got  the  habit  myself,  and  God 
knows  I  don't  enjoy  sacrifice  —  I'm  a  man ! 
The  superior  sex! 

JOHN 

I  don't  believe  you  appreciate  that  wife  of 
yours. 

JUDGE 

[between  the  words  he's  writing] 
Don't  I  ?  It  isn't  every  wife  that'd  travel 
away  out  to  Reno  —  you  know  how  she  hates 
travelling  —  and  go  to  a  theatre  —  and  catch 
a  cold  — ;  and  get  a  divorce  —  all  for  the  sake 
of  an  uncongenial  husband.  [Suddenly  getting 
an  idea,  strikes  table.}  I  know  what  gave  her  a 
cold.  She  raised  all  the  windows  in  her  bed 
room  —  for  my  sake  !  —  I  always  kept  them 
down  for  her  sake.  I'll  have  to  scold  her.  [Bends 
to  his  writing  again.]  Poor  little  thing !  She 
doesn't  know  how  to  take  care  of  herself  without 
me.  I  doubt  if  she  ever  will. 

[Looks  over  telegram.  A  SERVANT   comes, 
takes  telegram,  and  goes. 

JOHN 

Uncle  Everett,  I  want  your  advice. 
124 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 
John  !  do  you  want  a  divorce  ? 

JOHN 

No,  we  are  not  that  sort,  are  we,  Lucy  ?  [No 

answer.}  Are  we,  dear  ?   , 

LUCY 

[after  a  pause] 
No,  we  are  not  that  sort ! 

JOHN 

We  believe  in  the  sanctity  of  the  home,  the     , 
holiness  of  marriage. 

LUCY 

Yes,  we  believe  in  —  "the  holiness  of  mar 
riage  !" 

[Turns  away,  covering  her  face  with  her  hands 
and  shuddering. 

JOHN 

Lucy,  tell  Helen  and  Jean  to  come  here. 
[Lucv  goes.]  Well,  young  Baker  spoke  to  me 
about  Jean  last  night.  I  told  him  I'd  think  it 
over  and  give  him  my  decision  this  morning. 

125 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

That's  right.  Mustn't  seem  too  anxious,  John. 
When  the  properly  qualified  male  offers  one  of 
our  dependent  females  a  chance  at  woman's 
only  true  career,  of  course  it's  up  to  us  to  look 
disappointed. 

JOHN 

But  I  didn't  bring  up  the  little  matter  you 
spoke  of. 

JUDGE 

About  that  chorus  girl  ?  .  .  .  Afraid  of  scar 
ing  him  off  ? 

JOHN 

Not  at  all,  but  —  well,  it's  all  over  and  it's 
all  fixed.  No  scandal,  no  blackmail. 

JUDGE 

Hum!  By  the  way,  got  anything  on  Hamil 
ton  ? 

JOHN 

I  don't  believe  in  saints  myself. 
126 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

I  see.  .  .  .  Good  thing,  for  Jean  Rex  isn't  a 
saint.  I  suppose  you'd  break  off  the  match. 

[REX,  in  riding  clothes,  comes  out.  JOHN  sa 
lutes  him  warmly.  The  JUDGE  is  reading 
the  paper. 

REX 

[not  eagerly] 
Well  ? 

JOHN 

Well,  of  course,  you  realize  that  you're  asking 
a  great  deal  of  me,  Rex,  but  —  [Offers  hand  to 
REX  warmly.}  Be  good  to  her,  my  boy,  be  good 
to  her. 

REX 

[shaking  hands,  forced  warmth] 
Thanks      awfully.      See-what-I-mean  ?      [To 
JUDGE.]  Congratulate  me,  Judge;  I'm  the  hap 
piest  of  men. 

JUDGE 

[looking  up  from  newspaper] 
So  I  see.  Don't  let  it  worry  you. 

QEAN,  in  riding  costume,  comes  from  the 
house. 

127 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

[signalling  JUDGE  to  leave] 
If  Helen  asks  for  me,  I'm  in  the  garden. 

JUDGE 

If  any  telegrams  come  for  me,  I'm  writing  to 

my  wife  ! 

QEAN  and  REX  alone,  they  look  at  each  other, 
not  very  loverlike. 

JEAN 

[impulsively} 

You  weren't  in  love  with  me  yesterday.  You 
aren't  now.  You  would  get  out  of  it  if  you  hon 
orably  could.  But  you  honorably  cant !  So  you 
have  spoken  to  John;  you  are  going  to  see  it 
through,  because  you're  a  good  sport.  ...  I 
admire  you  for  that,  Rex,  too  much  to  hold 
you  to  it.  You  are  released. 

REX 

[amazed] 

Why  —  why  —  you  —  you  don't  suppose  I 
want  to  be  released  ? 

JEAN 
Well,  I  do !  ...  Yesterday  I  let  you  pro- 

128 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

pose  to  me  when  I   cared  for  some  one  else. 
That's  not  fair  to  you,  to  me,  to  him  ! 

REX 

[in  a  sudden  fury} 

Who  is  he  ?  What  do  you  mean  by  this  ?  Why 
didn't  you  tell  me  ? 

JEAN 

I  am  telling  you  now.  What  have  you  ever 
told  me  about  yourself  ? 

REX 

[blinking 

You  had  no  right  to  play  fast  and  loose  with 
me. 

JEAN 

I'm  making  the  only  amends  I  can.  You  are 
free,  I  tell  you. 

REX 

I  don't  want  to  be  free !  He  can't  have  you ! 
You  are  mine !  If  you  think  you  can  make  me 
stop  loving  you 

JEAN 

[interrupting 

Love,  Rex  ?  Only  jealousy.  You've  never  been 
129 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

in  love  with  me  —  you've  always  been  in  love 
with  Helen.  But  you  couldn't  get  her,  so  you 
took  me.  Isn't  that  true,  Rex  ? 

REX 

[after  an  uncomfortable  pause] 

I'll   be   honest  with   you,  too.  Yesterday   I 

wasn't  really  very  serious.  I  felt  like  a  brute 

afterward.     You  tried   your    best  to    prevent 

what  happened  and  ran  away  from  me.   But 

now 

JEAN 

Don't  you  know  why  I  ran  away  ?  To  make 
you  follow.  I  made  you  catch  me.  I  made  you 
kiss  me.  Then  you  realized  that  we  had  been 
thrown  together  constantly  —  deliberately 
thrown  together,  if  you  care  to  know  it  —  and, 
well,  that's  how  many  marriages  are  made. 
But  I  shan't  marry  on  such  terms.  It's  indecent ! 

REX 

[another  pause] 

I  never  thought  a  woman  could  be  capable 
of  such  honesty !  .  .  .  Oh,  what  a  bully  sport 
you  are  !  You  aren't  like  the  rest  that  have  been 
shoved  at  me.  Why,  I  can  respect  you.  You  are 
the  one  for  me.  [He  tries  to  take  her. 

130 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JEAN 

[restraining  him  with  dignity] 
I  am  sorry,  Rex,  but  I  am  not  for  you. 

REX 

Jean  !  without  you  .  .  .  don't  you  see  —  I'll 
go  straight  to  the  devil ! 

JEAN 

That  old,  cowardly  dodge  ?  Any  man  who  has 
no  more  backbone  than  that  —  why,  I  wouldn't 
marry  you  if  you  were  the  last  man  in  the  world. 

REX 

[frantic  to  possess  what  he  cannot  have} 
You  won't,  eh  ?  We'll  see  about  that.  I  want 
you  now  as  I  never  wanted  anything  in  my  life, 
and  I'll  win  you  from  him  yet.  You'll  see ! 

[HELEN  now  appears. 

HELEN 

Oh,  I  beg  your  pardon.  Lucy  said  John  was 
out  here. 

JEAN 
I'll  call  him.     [She  runs  down  into  the  garden. 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

REX 
I'll  call  him. 

[He  runs  after  JEAN.  HELEN  helplessly 
watches  them  go,  sighs,  standing  by  the  gar 
den  steps  until  JOHN  ascends.  He  looks  at 
HELEN  a  moment,  wondering  how  to  begin. 
She  looks  so  capable  and  unafraid  of  him. 

JOHN 

If  you  hadn't  gone  to  college,  you  could  have 
done  what  Jean  is  doing. 

HELEN 

[with  a  shrug  and  a  smile] 
But  how  proud  you  must  be,  John,  to  have 
a  sister  who  isn't  compelled  to  marry  one  man 
while  in   love  with   another.  Now,  aren't  you 
glad  I  went  to  college  ? 

[She  laughs  good-naturedly  at  him. 

JOHN 

Humph  !  If  you  think  I'd  let  a  sister  of  mine 
marry  one  of  old  man  Baker's  two-thousand- 
dollar  employees 

HELEN 

Why,  John,  didn't  Ernest  tell  you  ?  Doctor 

132 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

Hawksbee  has  offered  him  a  partnership.  Just 
think  of  that ! 

JOHN 
What !  Going  back  into  private  practice  ? 

HELEN 

But  it's  such  a  fashionable  practice.  Hawks- 
bee's  made  a  million  at  it. 

JOHN 
But  the  institute  needs  Hamilton. 

HELEN 
Ah,  but  we  need  the  money ! 

JOHN 

[disconcerted] 

So  you  are  going  to  spoil  a  noble  career,  are 
you  ?  That's  selfish.  I  didn't  think  it  of  you. 
There  are  thousands  of  successful  physicians, 
but  there  is  only  one  Ernest  Hamilton. 

HELEN 

[laughs] 

Oh,  don't  worry,  John,  he  has  promised  me 
to  keep  his  two-thousand-dollar  job. 

133 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

Ah,  I'm  glad.  You  must  let  nothing  interfere 
with  his  great  humanitarian  work.  Think  what 
it  means  to  the  lives  of  little  children !  Think 
what  it  means  to  the  future  of  the  race !  Why, 
every  one  says  his  greatest  usefulness  has  hardly 
begun ! 

HELEN 
Oh,  I  know  all  that,  I've  thought  of  all  that. 

JOHN 

Now,  such  men  should  be  kept  free  from  cares 
and  anxiety.  What  was  it  you  said  yesterday  ? 
"He  needs  every  cent  of  his  salary  for  books, 
travel,  all  the  advantages  he  simply  must  have 
for  efficiency."  To  marry  a  poor  man  —  most 
selfish  thing  a  girl  could  do ! 

HELEN 
Yes,  John,  that's  what  I  said  yesterday. 

JOHN 

[scoring] 

But  that  was  before  he  asked  you !  [HELEN 
smiles.  He  sneers.]  Rather  pleased  with  your 
self  now,  aren't  you  ?  "Just  a  woman  after  all" 

134 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

-  heroine  of  cheap  magazine  story !  Sacrifices 
career  for  love !  .  .  .  All  very  pretty  and  ro 
mantic,  my  dear  —  but  how  about  the  man  you 
love !  Want  to  sacrifice  his  career,  too  ? 

HELEN 

But  I'm  not  going  to  sacrifice  what  you  are 
pleased  to  call  my  career.  .  .  .  Therefore  he 
won't  have  to  sacrifice  his. 

JOHN 

What !  going  to  keep  on  working  ?  Will  he 
let  the  woman  he  loves  work! 

HELEN 

[demure] 
Well,  you  see,  he  says  I'm  "too  good"  to  loaf, 

JOHN 

Humph  !  who'll  take  care  of  your  home  when 
3'ou're  at  work?  Who'll  take  care  of  your  work 
when  you're  at  home.  Look  at  it  practically. 
To  maintain  such  a  home  as  he  needs  on  such  a 
salary  as  he  has  —  why,  it  would  take  all  your 
time,  all  your  energy.  To  keep  him  in  his  class 
you'll  have  to  drop  out  of  your  own,  become 
a  household  drudge,  a  servant. 

135 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 
And  if  I  am  willing  ? 

JOHN 

Then  where's  your  intellectual  companion 
ship  ?  How'll  you  help  his  work  ?  Expense  for 
him,  disillusionment  for  both.  If  you're  the 
woman  you  pretend  to  be,  you  won't  marry 
that  man ! 

HELEN 
[strong] 

The  world  needs  his  work,  but  he  needs  mine, 
and  we  both  need  each  other. 

JOHN 
[stronger] 

And  marriage  would  only  handicap  his  work, 
ruin  yours,  and  put  you  apart.  You  know  that's 
true.  You've  seen  it  happen  with  others.  You 
have  told  me  so  yourself! 

HELEN 

Then  that  settles  it !  We  must  not,  cannot, 
shall  not  marry.  We  have  no  right  to  marry.  I 
agree  with  all  you  say  —  it  would  not  join  us 
together;  it  would  put  us  asunder. 
136 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 
And  you'll  give  him  up  ?  Good  !  Good  ! 

HELEN 

Give  him  up  ?  Never !  The  right  to  work,  the 
right  to  love  —  those  rights  are  inalienable. 
No,  we'll  give  up  marriage  but  not  each  other. 

JOHN 
But  —  but  —  I  don't  understand. 

HELEN 

[straight  in  his  eyes] 

We  need  each  other  —  in  our  work  and  in 
our  life  —  and  we're  to  have  each  other  —  until 
life  is  ended  and  our  work  is  done.  Now,  do 
you  understand  ? 

JOHN 

[recoiling] 

Are  you  in  your  right  mind?  Think  what 
you're  saying. 

HELEN 

I  have  thought  all  night,  John.  You  have 
shown  me  how  to  say  it. 

137 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN' 

But,  but  —  why,  this  is  utterly  unbelievable  ! 
Why  I'm  not  even  shocked.  Do  you  notice  ? 
I'm  not  even  shocked  ?  Because  everything  you 
have  said,  everything  you  have  done  —  it  all 
proves  that  you  are  a  good  woman. 

HELEN 

If  I  were  a  bad  woman,  I'd  inveigle  him  into 
marriage,  John. 

JOHN 

Inveigle  !  Marriage  !  Are  you  crazy  ?  .  .  .  Oh, 
this  is  all  one  of  your  highbrow  jokes ! 

HELEN 

John,  weren't  you  serious  when  you  said 
marriage  would  destroy  him  ? 

JOHN 
But  this  would  destroy  you  ! 

HELEN 

Well,  even  if  that  were  so,  which  is  more  im 
portant  to  the  world  ?  Which  is  more  important 
to  your  "great  humanitarian  work"  ? 
138 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

Ah,  very  clever !  A  bluff  to  gain  my  consent 
to  marrying  him  —  a  trick  to  get  his  salary 
raised. 

HELEN 

[with  force] 

John,  nothing  you  can  do,  nothing  you  can 
say,  will  ever  gain  my  consent  to  marrying  him. 
I've  not  told  you  half  my  reasons. 

JOHN 

My  God !  my  own  sister !  And  did  you,  for 
one  moment,  dream  that  I  would  consent  to 
that ! 

HELEN 

Not  for  one  moment.  I'm  not  asking  your  con 
sent.  I'm  just  telling  you. 

JOHN 

[after  scrutinizing  her] 

Ridiculous !  If  you  really  meant  to  run  away 
with  this  fellow,  would  you  come  and  tell  me, 
your  own  brother? 

HELEN 

Do  you  suppose  I'd  run  away  without  telling, 
even  my  own  brother? 

139 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

[looks  at  her  a  moment;  she  returns  his  gaze] 
Bah  !  —  all  pose  and  poppycock  !  [He  abruptly 

touches  bell.]  I'll  soon  put  a  stop  to  this  nonsense. 

[Muttering.]  Damnedest  thing  I  ever  heard  of. 

HELEN 

John,  I  understand  exactly  what  I'm  doing. 
You  never  will.  But  nothing  you  can  do  can 
stop  me  now. 

JOHN 

We'll  see  about  that.  [The  BUTLER  appears.] 
Ask  the  others  to  step  out  here  at  once;  all 
except  Miss  Jean  and  Mr.  Baker,  I  don't  want 
them.  Is  Doctor  Hamilton  about  ? 

BUTLER 
No,  sir,  he  went  to  church. 

JOHN 

All  right.  [The  BuTLERdisappears.]  To  church! 
My  God ! 

[HELEN  pays  no  attention.  She  gazes  straight 
out  into  the  future,  head  high,  eyes  clear 
and  wide  open. 

140 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

First  of  all,  when  the  others  come  out,  I'm 
going  to  ask  them  to  look  you  in  the  face.  Then 
you  can  make  this  statement  to  them,  if  you 
wish,  and  —  look  them  in  the  face. 

HELEN 

\with  quiet  scorn} 

If  I  were  being  forced  into  such  a  marriage 
as  poor  little  Jean's,  I  would  kill  myself.  But 
in  the  eyes  of  God,  who  made  love,  no  mat 
ter  how  I  may  appear  in  the  eyes  of  man, 
who  made  marriage,  I  know  that  I  am  doing 
right. 

[LucY  comes  out,  followed  by  the  JUDGE. 

JOHN 

[not  seeing  them.  He  is  loud] 
Say  that  to  Uncle  Everett  and  Cousin  Theo 
dore  !  Say  that  to  my  wife,  stand  up  and  say 
that  to  the  world,  if  you  dare. 

LUCY 

[to  JUDGE] 
She  has  told  him ! 

141 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

[wheeling  about] 

What !  did  she  tell  you  ?  Why  didn't  you 
come  to  me  at  once  ? 

LUCY 

[tremulous] 

She  said  she  wanted  to  tell  you  herself.   I 
didn't  think  she'd  dare! 

[They  all  turn  to  look  at  HELEN.  THEODORE 
comes  back  from  church  alone. 

HELEN 
It  had  to  be  announced,  of  course. 

THEODORE 

[advancing,  beaming 
Announced  ?  What  is  announced  ? 

[All  turn  to  him  in  a  panic. 

LUCY 

[hurriedly] 
Their  engagement,  Theodore ! 

JUDGE 

[overriding  HELEN] 

Yes,  John  has  given  his  consent  at  last  —  ex 
ample  to  society.  [Prods  JOHN. 
142 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

[also  overrides  HELEN] 

Of  course !  One  of  the  finest  fellows  in  the 
world. 

THEODORE 

[delighted] 

And  withal  he  has  a  deep  religious  nature. 
Congratulations.  My  dear,  he'll  make  an  ideal 
husband. 

[Takes  both  HELEN'S  hands,  about  to  kiss 
her. 

HELEN 

[can't  help  smiling] 

Thank  you,  cousin,  but  I  don't  want  a 
husband.  [A  sudden  silence. 

THEODORE 

[looks  from  one  to  the  other] 
A  lover's  quarrel  ?  —  already  ! 

JUDGE 

[enjoying  it] 

No,  Theodore,  these  lovers  are  in  perfect  ac 
cord.  They  both  have  conscientious  scruples 
against  marriage. 

H3 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 
Conscientious ! 

JUDGE 

So  they  are  simply  going  to  set  up  housekeep 
ing  without  the  mere  formality  of  a  wedding 
ceremony.  [THEODORE  drops  HELEN'S  hands. 

HELEN 

[quietly] 
We  are  going  to  do  nothing  of  the  sort. 

THEODORE 
Uncle  Everett !  [  Takes  her  hands  again. 

HELEN 

We  are  not  going  to  set  up  housekeeping  at 
all.  He  will  keep  his  present  quarters  and  I  mine. 

JOHN 
But  they  are  going  to  belong  to  each  other. 

THEODORE 

[drops  HELEN'S  hands  —  aghast] 
I  don't  believe  it. 

144 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

[apart  to  THEODORE] 

The  strike  against  marriage.  It  was  bound  to 
come. 

THEODORE 
[to  JUDGE] 

But  Church  and  State  —  [indicates  self  and 
JUDGE]  must  break  this  strike. 

HELEN 

John  is  a  practical  man.  He  will  prove  to 
you  that  such  a  home  as  we  could  afford  would 
only  be  a  stumbling-block  to  Ernest's  useful 
ness,  a  hollow  sphere  for  mine.  You  can't  fill  it 
with  mere  happiness,  Lucy,  not  for  long,  not 
for  long. 

JUDGE 

[restrains  THEODORE  about  to  reply] 
Oh,  let  her  get  it  all  nicely  talked  out,  then 
she'll  take  a  nap  and  wake  up  feeling  better. 
[Whispering.]  We've  driven  her  to  this  ourselves, 
but  she  really  doesn't  mean  a  word  of  it. 
Come,  dear  child,  tell  us  all  about  this  night 
mare. 

145 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

[smiles  at  the  JUDGE] 

Why,  think  what  would  happen  to  an  eager 
intellect  like  Ernest  Hamilton's  if  he  had  to 
come  back  to  a  narrow-minded  apartment  or  a 
dreary  suburb  every  evening  and  eat  morbid 
meals  opposite  a  housewife  regaling  him  with 
the  social  ambitions  of  the  other  commuters. 
Ugh  !  It  has  ruined  enough  brilliant  men  already. 
QUDGE  restrains  THEODORE  and  others  who  want 
to  interrupt^  Now  at  the  University  Club  he 
dines,  at  slight  expense  compared  with  keeping 
up  a  home,  upon  the  best  food  in  the  city  with 
some  of  the  best  scientists  in  the  country.  .  .  . 
Marriage  would  divorce  him  from  all  that, 
would  transplant  him  from  an  atmosphere  of 
ideas  into  an  atmosphere, of  worries.  We  should 
be  forced  into  the  same  deadly  ruts  as  the  rest 
of  you,  uncle.  Do  you  want  me  to  destroy  a 
great  career,  Theodore  ? 

THEODORE 
Do  you  want  to  be  a  blot  upon  that  career? 

HELEN 

[lightly] 

I'd  rather  be  a  blot  than  a  blight,  and  that's 
what  I'd  be  if  I  became  his  bride.  Ask  John. 

146 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

LUCY 

Do  you  want  to  be  disgraced,  despised,  os 
tracized  ! 

HELEN 
[smiles  at  LUCY] 

A  choice  of  evils,  dear;  of  course,  none  of 
those  costly  well-kept  wives  on  your  visiting 
list  will  call  upon  me.  But  instead  of  one  day  at 
home,  instead  of  making  a  tired  husband  work 
for  me,  I'll  have  all  my  days  free  to  work  with 
him,  like  the  old-fashioned  woman  you  admire  ! 
Instead  of  being  an  expense,  I'll  be  a  help  to 
him;  instead  of  being  separated  by  marriage 
and  divergent  interests,  we'll  be  united  by  love 
and  common  peril.  .  .  .  Isn't  that  the  orthodox 
way  to  gain  character,  Theodore  ? 

JOHN 

Oh,  this  is  all  damned  nonsense !  Look  here, 
you've  either  got  to  marry  this  fellow  now  or 
else  go  away  and  never  see  him  again;  never, 
never! 

HELEN 

Just  what  I  thought,  John.  I  intended  never 
to  see  him  again.  That  was  why  I  let  you  send 
me  abroad.  But  I'll  never,  never  do  it  again. 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

[Smiling  like  an  engaged  girl.]  It  was  perfectly 
dreadful !  Ernest  couldn't  get  along  without  me 
at  all,  poor  old  thing.  And  I,  why,  I  nearly  died. 

JOHN 
Then  you'll  have  to  be  Ynarried,  that's  all. 

THE  OTHERS 
Why,  of  course  you'll  have  to,  that's  all. 

HELEN 
[nodding] 

Oh,  I  know  just  how  you  feel  about  it.  I 
thought  so,  too,  at  first,  but  I  can't  marry 
Ernest  Hamilton.  I  love  him. 

THEODORE 

But  if  you  love  him  truly  —  marriage,  my 
dear,  brings  together  those  who  love  each  other 
truly. 

HELEN 

But  those  who  love  each  other  truly  don't 
need  anything  to  bring  them  together.  The 
difficulty  is  to  keep  apart. 

[A  reminiscent  shudder. 
148 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

That's  all  romantic  rot !  Every  one  feels  that 
way  at  first. 

HELEN 

At  first !  Then  tlje  practical  object  of  marriage 
is  not  to  bring  together  those  who  love  each 
other,  but  to  keep  together  those  who  do  not  ? 
[To  LUCY.]  What  a  dreadful  thing  marriage 
must  be!  [JUDGE  chokes  down  a  chuckle. 

JUDGE 

Ah,  so  you  wish  to  be  free  to  separate.  Now 
we  have  it. 

HELEN 

To  separate  ?  What  an  idea  !  On  the  contrary, 
we  wish  to  be  free  to  keep  together !  In  the  old 
days  when  they  had  interests  in  common  mar 
riage  used  to  make  man  and  woman  one,  but 
now  it  puts  them  apart.  Can't  you  see  it  all 
about  you  ?  He  goes  down-town  and  works;  she 
stays  up-town  and  plays.  He  belongs  to  the 
laboring  class;  she  belongs  to  the  leisure  class. 
At  best,  they  seldom  work  at  the  same  or  sim 
ilar  trades.  Legally  it  may  be  a  union,  but 
socially  it's  a  mesalliance  —  in  the  eyes  of  God 
it's  often  worse.  .  .  .  No  wonder  that  one  in 
149 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

eleven  ends  in  divorce.  The  only  way  to  avoid 
spiritual  separation  is  to  shun  legal  union  like  a 
contagious  disease.  Modern  marriage  is  divorce. 
[She  turns  to  go,  defiantly.]  I've  found  my  work, 
I've  found  my  mate,  and  so  has  he !  What  more 
can  any  human  being  ask  ? 

[The  BUTLER  appears. 

BUTLER 
[to  JOHN] 
Doctor  Hamilton  is  outside  in  a  taxicab,  sir. 

JOHN 
Show  him  here  at  once ! 

BUTLER 

He  says  he  does  not  care  to  come  in,  sir, 
unless  you  are  ready  to  talk  to  him  now. 

JOHN 

Well,  of  all  the  nerve  !  You  bet  I'm  ready  ! 
[Starts  off.  HELEN  starts,  too. 

JUDGE 

[intercepting  them  calmly] 
Wait  a  minute  —  wait  a  minute.   [To  SER 
VANT.]  Ask  Doctor  Hamilton  kindly  to  wait  in 
150 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

the  library.  [The  BUTLER  goes.]  Now,  we're  all 
a  bit  overwrought.  [Soothes  HELEN,  pats  her 
handy  puts  arm  about  her,  gradually  leads  her 
back.]  I  still  believe  in  you,  Helen,  I  still  believe 
in  him.  [To  all.]  It's  simply  that  he's  so  deeply 
absorbed  in  his  great  work  for  mankind  that  he 
doesn't  realize  what  he  is  asking  Helen  to  do. 

HELEN 

[quietly] 

So  I  told  him  .  .  .  when  he  asked  me  to 
marry  him. 

ALL 
What !  He  asked  you  to  marry  him  ? 

HELEN 

Of  course !  Implored  me  to  marry  him.  [She 
adds,  smiling.]  So  absorbed  —  not  in  mankind, 
but  in  me  —  that  he  "didn't  realize  what  he 
was  asking  me  to  do." 

LUCY 

[utterly  amazed] 

And  you  refused  him !  The  man  who  loves 
you  honorably  ? 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

[demurely] 

Of  course !  You  don't  suppose  I'd  take  ad 
vantage  of  the  poor  fellow's  weakness.  Women 
often  do,  I  admit  —  even  when  not  in  love, 
sometimes.  .  .  .  Not  because  they're  deprived 
but  dependent. 

JOHN 
[to  all] 

And  then  he  proposed  this  wicked  substitirte! 
Poisoned  her  innocent  mind  —  the  bounder! 

HELEN 
But  he  did  nothing  of  the  sort. 

JOHN 
Oh,  your  own  idea,  was  it  ? 

HELEN 
Of  course ! 

JOHN 

[to  all] 

And  he  is  willing  to  take  advantage  of  the 
poor  child's  ignorance  —  the  cad!  [To  THEO 
DORE.]  "Deep  religious  nature,"  eh  ? 

152 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 
I  can't  believe  it  of  him. 

HELEN 

He  knows  nothing  about  it  yet.  I  haven't 
even  seen  him  since  I  made  my  decision. 

[All  exchange  bewildered  glances. 

JOHN 

[apart  to  JUDGE] 

We've  got  to  get  him  off  to  Paris.  It's  our 
only  hope. 

JUDGE 

[apart  to  JOHN] 

You  can't  stop  her  following.  She's  on  the 
edge  of  the  precipice  —  do  you  want  to  shove 
her  over  ?  You  are  dealing  with  big  people  here 
and  a  big  passion.  [The  BUTLER  returns. 

BUTLER 

Doctor  Hamilton  asks  to  see  Miss  Helen 
while  waiting. 

JUDGE 

[calmly  to  BUTLER] 

Tell  Doctor  Hamilton  that  Miss  Helen  will 
see  him  here.  [The  BUTLER  leaves. 

153 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

Are  you  crazy !  We've  got  to  keep  'em  apart 
—  our  one  chance  to  save  her. 

JUDGE 

No,  bring  them  together.  That  is  our  one 
chance.  Come,  we'll  go  down  into  the  garden 
and  they'll  have  a  nice  little  talk.  Nothing  like 
talk,  John,  honest  talk,  to  clear  these  marriage 
problems.  [Going. 

JOHN 

And  let  them  elope  ?  In  that  taxicab  ?  —  not 
on  your  life  !  [Runs  to  and  fro. 

JUDGE 

Come,  John,  girls  never  notify  the  family  in 
advance  when  they  plan  elopements.  It's  not 
done. 

THEODORE 

[going] 

Uncle  Everett  is  right.  Ernest  will  bring  her 
to  her  senses.  He  has  a  deep  religious  nature. 

QUDGE  leads  JOHN  away  to  the  garden. 

154 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

LUCY 

[lingering  —  to  HELEN] 

If  you  offer  yourself  on  such  terms  to  the  man 
who  loves  you  honorably,  he'll  never  look  at 
you  again. 

THEODORE 

[leading  LUCY  off  to  garden] 
Don't  worry  !  She  won't. 

[ERNEST  rushes  out  to  HELEN. 

HELEN 
Ernest ! 

ERNEST 

At  last !  [He  takes  her  in  his  arms;  she  clings 
to  him  and  gazes  into  his  eyes;  a  long  embrace.] 
Tell  me  that  you're  all  right  again. 

HELEN 

[smiling  with  love  and  trust] 
Except  that  you  deserted  me,  dear,  just  when 
I  needed  you  most.  Ernest,  Ernest !  never  leave 
me  again. 

ERNEST 

Deserted  you  ?  Why,  your  brother  said  you 
were  ill. 

155 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 
Ah,  I  see  ...  he  was  mistaken. 

ERNEST 

[jubilant  and  boyish] 

But  never  mind  now,  I've  got  you  at  last,  and 
I'll  never,  never  let  you  go.  You've  got  to  sail 
with  me  to-morrow.  Together !  Oh,  think !  To 
gether.  [Another  embrace. 

HELEN 
Are  you  sure  you  love  me  ? 

ERNEST 

[laughs  from  sheer  joy  of  her  nearness]  < 
Am  I  sure  ?  Ten  million  times  more  to-day 
than  yesterday. 

HELEN 

Even  so  ...  it  is  not,  and  can  never  be, 
as  I  love  you. 

ERNEST 

[with  her  hands  in  his,  gayly] 
Then  you  can  apologize. 

HELEN 

Apologize  ? 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

For  saying,  years  and  years  ago  —  in  other 
words,  last  night  —  that  you  didn't  think  you'd 
marry  me  after  all.  [She  starts.]  Why,  what's 
the  matter  ?  You're  trembling  like  a  leaf.  You 
are  ill ! 

HELEN 
No;  oh,  no. 

ERNEST 

[tenderly] 

Still  a  few  lingering  doubts  ?  I  had  hoped  a 
good  night's  rest  would  put  those  little  preju 
dices  to  sleep  forever. 

HELEN 

Sleep  ? 

[She  shakes  her  head,  gazing  at  him  soberly. 

ERNEST 

So  you  could  not  sleep  ?  Neither  could  I ;  I 
was  too  happy  to  sleep.  I  was  afraid  I'd  miss 
some  wondrous  throbbing  thought  of  your 
loveliness.  [Takes  her  passive  hand,  puts  a  kiss 
in  it,  and  doses  it  reverently  while  she  looks  into 
his  eyes  without  moving.]  Do  you  know,  I'm  dis- 

157 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

appointed  in  love.  I  always  thought  it  meant 
soft  sighs  and  pretty  speeches.  It  means  an 
agony  of  longing,  delicious  agony,  but,  oh,  ter 
rific.  [She  says  nothing.]  Dear,  dear  girl,  it  may 
be  easy  for  you,  but  I  can't  stand  much  more 
of  this. 

HELEN 
Nor  I. 

ERNEST 

You  must  come  to  Paris  with  me  or  I'll  stay 
home.  All  through  the  night  I  had  waking 
visions  of  our  being  parted.  Just  when  we  had 
found  each  other  at  last.  Some  terrible  imper 
sonal  monster  stepped  in  between  us  and  said : 
"No.  Now  that  you  have  had  your  glimpse  of 
heaven  —  away !  Ye  twain  shall  not  enter 
here.  .  .  ."  Silly,  wasn't  it?  But  I  couldn't  get 
the  horror  of  it  out  of  my  head. 

HELEN 

[nodding] 

Do  you  know  why,  Ernest  ?  Because  it  was 
in  mine.  It  came  from  my  thought  to  yours. 
You  and  I  are  attuned  like  wireless  instruments. 
Even  in  the  old  blind  days,  there  in  the  labora 
tory  I  used  to  read  your  mind.  Shall  I  tell  you 
158 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

the  name  of  the  monster  that  would  put  us 
asunder  ?  .  .  .  Its  name  is  Marriage. 

ERNEST 

But  I  need  you.  You  know  that.  And  you 
need  me.  It's  too  late.  We  are  helpless  now  —  in 
the  clutch  of  forces  more  potent  than  our  little 
selves  —  forces  that  brought  us  into  the  world 
—  forces  that  have  made  the  world.  Whether 
you  will  or  no,  this  beautiful  binding  power  is 
sweeping  you  and  me  together.  And  you  must 
yield. 

HELEN 

[reaching  for  his  hand} 

Ah,  my  dear,  could  anything  make  it  more 
beautiful,  more  binding  than  it  is  now  ? 

ERNEST 

It  is  perfect.  The  one  divine  thing  we  share 
with  God.  The  Church  is  right  in  that  respect. 
I  used  to  look  upon  marriage  as  a  mere  contract. 
It's  a  religious  sacrament. 

HELEN 

Does  the  wedding  ceremony  make  it  sacred  ? 
159 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

That  mediaeval  incantation  !  No,  love,  which 
is  given  by  God,  not  the  artificial  form  made 
by  man. 

HELEN 

I  knew  it !  I  knew  you'd  see  it  —  the  mistake 
of  all  the  ages.  They've  tried  to  make  love  fit 
marriage.  It  can't  be  done.  Marriage  must  be 
changed  to  fit  love.  [Impulsively.]  Yes,  I'll  go  to 
Paris  with  you. 

ERNEST 

[about  to  take  her  in  his  arms] 
You  darling ! 

HELEN 

[steps  back] 
But  not  as  your  wife. 

ERNEST 

{stops  —  perplexed] 
You  mean  .  .  .  without  marriage  ? 

HELEN 

I  mean  without  marriage. 

[They  look  into  each  other  s  eyes. 
160 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

A  moment  ago  I  thought  I  loved  you  as  much 
as  man  could  love  woman.  I  was  mistaken  in 
you  —  I  was  mistaken  in  myself.  For  now  I 
love  you  as  man  never  loved  before.  You  su 
perb,  you  wonderful  woman ! 

HELEN 

[holds  out  her  hand  to  be  shaken,  not  caressed] 
Then  you  agree  ? 

ERNEST 

[kneels,  kisses  her  hand,  and  arises} 
Of  course  not !  You  blessed  girl,  don't  you 
suppose  I   understand  ?  It's  all  for  my  sake. 
Therefore  for  your  sake  —  no. 

HELEN 

Then  for  my  sake  —  for  the  sake  of  every 
thing  our  love  stands  for  ! 

ERNEST 

[laughing  fondly] 

Do  you  think  I'd  let  you  do  anything  for  any 
body's  sake  you're  sure,  later,  to  regret  ? 
161 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

Then  don't  ask  me  to  marry  you,  Ernest. 
We'd  both  regret  that  later.  It  would  destroy 
the  two  things  that  have  brought  us  together, 
love  and  work. 

ERNEST 

Nonsense.  Nothing  could  do  that.  .  .  .  And 
besides,  think  of  our  poor  horrified  families  ! 
Think  of  the  world's  view  ! 

HELEN 

Aren't  we  sacrificing  enough  for  the  world  — 
money,  comforts,  even  children?  Must  we  also 
sacrifice  each  other  to  the  world  ?  Must  we  be 
hypocrites  because  others  are  ?  Must  we,  too, 
be  cowards  and  take  on  the  protective  coloring 
of  our  species  ? 

ERNEST 

Our  ideas  may  be  higher  than  society's,  but 
society  rewards  and  punishes  its  members  ac 
cording  to  its  own  ideas,  not  ours. 

HELEN 

Do  you  want  society's  rewards  ?  Do  you  fear 
society's  punishment  ? 

162 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

[jubilantly  enfolding  her] 

With  you  in  my  arms,  I  want  nothing  from 
heaven,  I  fear  nothing  from  hell;  but,  my  dear 
[shrugs  and  comes  down  to  earth  with  a  smile  and 
releases  her],  consider  the  price,  consider  the 
price. 

HELEN 

Aren't  you  willing  to  pay  the  price  ? 

ERNEST 

I  ?  Yes !  But  it's  the  woman,  always  the 
woman,  who  pays. 

HELEN 
I  am  willing  to  pay. 

ERNEST 
I  am  not  willing  to  let  you. 

HELEN 

You'll  have  to  be,  dear.  I  shall  go  with  you 
on  my  terms  or  not  at  all. 

ERNEST 

[with  decision] 

You  will  come  with  me  as  my  wife  or  stay  at 
home. 

163 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

[gasping] 

Now  ?  After  all  I've  said,  all  I've  done  ? 
Ernest:  I've  told  the  family !  I  relied  upon  you. 
I  took  for  granted  —  Ernest,  you  wouldn't  — 
you  couldn't  leave  me  behind  now. 

ERNEST 

Thanks  to  you  and  what  you've  made  of  me, 
I  must  and  will. 

HELEN 
Ernest !       [Opens  her  arms  to  him  to  take  her. 

ERNEST 

[about  to  enfold  her  —  resists] 
No !  If  you  love  me  enough  for  that  [points 
to  her  pleading  hands]  —  I  love  you  enough  for 
this.  [He  turns  to  go]  Come  when  you're  ready 
to  marry  me. 

HELEN 

[shrill,  excited,  angered] 

Do  you  think  this  has  been  easy  for  me? 
Do  you  think  I'll  offer  myself  again  on  any 
terms  ?  Never ! 

164 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED* 

ERNEST 
You  must  marry  me  —  and  you  will. 

HELEN 
You  don't  know  me.  Good-by ! 

ERNEST 

Very  well ! 

[ERNEST,  afraid  to  stay,  goes  at  once.  She 
waits  motionless  until  she  hears  the  auto 
mobile  carrying  him  away.  She  imme 
diately  turns  from  stone  to  tears,  with  a 
low  wail.  In  utter  despair,  hands  out 
stretched  she  sinks  down  upon  a  bench 
and  buries  her  face  in  her  hands. 

HELEN 
Oh,  Ernest !  .  .  .  How  could  you  ? 

[Lucv,  THEODORE,  JUDGE  and  JOHN   all 

hurry  back,  all  excited. 

THEODORE 
Did  you  see  his  horrified  look  ? 

LUCY 

Fairly  running  away  —  revolted.  Ah  ! 
[Points  at  HELEN.     HELEN  arises,  defiant, 
confident,  calm. 

165 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 
[to  HELEN] 
What  did  I  tell  you  ! 

LUCY 

You  have  thrown  away  the  love  of  an  honor 
able  man. 

THEODORE 

Trampled  upon  the  finest  feelings  of  a  deep 
nature. 

JOHN 

Let  this  be  a  lesson  to  you.  You've  lost  your 
chance  to  marry,  your  chance  to  work,  and  now, 
by  heavens!  you  will  cut  out  "independence" 
and  stay  at  home,  where  women  belong,  and  live 
down  this  disgrace  ...  if  you  can. 

LUCY 

With  one  excuse  or  another  —  he'll  stay 
away.  He'll  never  come  back. 

HELEN 

[clear  and  confident  as  if  clairvoyant] 
He    will !    He    is    coming    now.  .  .  .   He    is 
1 66 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

crossing  the  hall.  .  .  .  He  is  passing  through 
the  library.  .  .  .   He's  here ! 

[But  she  doesn't  turn.  ERNEST  reappears  at 

the  door  and  takes  in  the  situation  at  a 

glance. 

JOHN 

[still  turned  toward  HELEN] 
He'll  never  look  at  you  again,  and  I  don't 
blame  him !  I'm  a  man;  I  know.     We  don't  re 
spect  women  who  sell  out  so  cheap. 

ERNEST 

You  lie !  [All  turn,  astounded.  HELEN  runs 
toward  ERNEST  with  a  cry  of  joy.  JOHN  starts  to 
block  her.  To  JOHN.]  Stop !  You're  not  fit  to 
touch  her.  No  man  is. 

JOHN 

[with  a  sarcastic  laugh] 
Humph  !  I  suppose  that's  why  you  ran  away. 

ERNEST 
Yes.  To  protect  her  from  myself. 

JOHN 

Then  why  come  back  ? 
167 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

To  protect  her  from  you !  You  cowards,  you 
hypocrites!  [He  rushes  down  to  HELEN,  puts  his 
strong  arm  about  shoulder  and  whispers  rapidly.] 
Just  as  I  started,  something  stopped  me.  In  a 
flash  I  saw  ...  all  this. 

HELEN 

[clasping  his  arm  with  both  hands] 
I  made  you  come  !  I  made  you  see ! 

JOHN 

[advances  menacingly] 

By  what  right  are  you  here  in  my  home  ?  By 
what  right  do  you  take  my  sister  in  your  arms  ? 

ERNEST 

By  a  right  more  ancient  than  man-made  law ! 
I  have  come  to  the  cry  of  my  mate.  I'm  here  to 
fight  for  the  woman  I  love !  [Arm  about  HELEN, 
defies  the  world.  To  all.]  My  trip  to  Paris  is  post 
poned.  One  week  from  to-day  gather  all  your 
family  here,  and  in  your  home  we'll  make  our 
declaration  to  the  world. 

JOHN 

In  my  home  !  Ha  !  Not  if  I  know  it. 
1 68 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

[restraining  JOHN] 
Play  for  time,  John  —  he'll  bring  her  around. 

JOHN 

[to  ERNEST] 

Do  you  mean  to  marry  her  or  not  ?  Speak  my 
language ! 

[ERNEST  releases  HELEN  and  steps  across 
to  JOHN. 

ERNEST 

She  decides  that  —  not  you. 

[All  turn  to  HELEN. 

HELEN 

Never ! 

JOHN 

[shaking  off  JUDGE.  To  HELEN.] 
You'll  go  with  this  damned  fanatic  only  over 
my  dead  body. 

HELEN 

[high] 

And  that  will  only  cry  aloud  the  thing  you 
wish  to  hide  from  the  world  you  fear. 

[Just  now  JEAN   is  seen   slowly   returning 
from  the  garden  without  REX.  Her  pretty 
169 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

head  is  bent  and,  busy  with  her  own  sad 
thoughts,  she  is  startled  by  the  following  : 

ERNEST 

There  are  laws  to  prevent  marriage  in  some 
cases  but  none  to  enforce  marriage  on  women 
—  unless  they  will  it. 

JOHN 

[beside  himself  with  rage] 
Enforce !  Do  you  think  I'll  ever  allow  a  sister 
of  mine  to  marry  a  libertine  ? 

JEAN 

[thinks  they  are  discussing  her,  and  is  outraged} 
But  I'm  not  going  to  marry  him  !  My  engage 
ment  is  broken. 

[General  consternation.  Sobbing,  JEAN  runs 
into  house. 

JOHN 

My  God,  what  next?  Lucy,  don't  let  Rex  get 
away  !  You  know  what  he'll  do  —  and  when  he 
sobers  up,  it  may  be  too  late.  [To  ERNEST.]  As 
for  you,  you  snake,  you  get  right  out  of  here. 
170 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

[in  the  sudden  silence} 
Now  you've  done  it,  John. 

ERNEST 
Oh,  very  well,  this  is  your  property. 

HELEN 
But  /  am  not !  I  go,  too ! 

[She  runs  to  ERNEST. 

THEODORE 
Don't  commit  this  sin  ! 

JOHN 
Let  her  go!  She's  no  sister  of  mine. 

JUDGE 

[the  only  calm  one} 
If  she  leaves  this  house  now,  it's  all  up. 

JOHN 

A  woman  who  will  give  herself  to  a  man  with 
out  marriage  is  no  sister  of  mine. 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 

[about  to  go,  turns,  leaning  on  ERNEST.  To  all] 
Give !  .  .  .  But  if  I  sold  myself,  as  you  are 
forcing  poor  little  Jean  to  do,  to  a  libertine  she 
does  not  love,  who  does  not  love  her  —  that 
is  not  sin !  That  is  respectability !  To  urge  and 
aid  her  to  entrap  a  man  into  marriage  by  play 
ing  the  shameless  tricks  of  the  only  trade  men 
want  women  to  learn  —  that  is  holy  matrimony. 
But  to  give  yourself  of  your  own  free  will  to 
the  man  you  love  and  trust  and  can  help,  the 
man  who  loves  and  needs  and  has  won  the 
right  to  have  you  —  oh,  if  this  is  sin,  then  let 
me  live  and  die  a  sinner ! 

[She  turns  to  ERNEST,  gives  him  a  look  of  com 
plete  love  and  trusty  then  bursts  into  tears 
upon  his  shoulder,  his  arms  enfolding  her 
protectingly. 


173 


ACT  III 


ACT  III 


It  is  well  along  in  the  afternoon  of  the  same  busy 
day  of  rest.  Most  unaccountably  —  until  the 
JUDGE  accounts  for  it  later  —  the  terrace  has 
been  decked  out  with  festoons  and  flowers 
since  the  excitement  of  the  morning.  Japa 
nese  lanterns  have  been  hung,  though  it  is  not 
yet  time  to  light  them  and  though  it  is  Sun 
day  in  a  pious  household. 

Most  incongruously  and  lugubriously,  LUCY  is 
pacing  to  and  fro  in  silent  concern. 

THEODORE  now  comes  out  of  the  house,  also  look 
ing  harassed.  LUCY  turns  to  him  inquiringly. 
He  shakes  his  head  sadly. 


N 


LUCY 
O  word  from  Uncle  Everett  ? 


THEODORE 

No  word.  He  must  have  reached  town  long 
ago,  unless  he  had  tire  trouble.  .  .  .  It's  a  bad 
sign,  Lucy,  a  bad  sign.  He  would  surely  tele 
phone  us. 

175 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

LUCY 

Oh,  if  he  only  hadn't  missed  their  train  ! 

THEODORE 

[hopelessly] 

Uncle  Everett  is  the  only  one  who  could  have 
brought  them  to  their  senses. 

LUCY 

It  may  not  be  too  late.  He  took  our  fastest 
car,  our  best  chauffeur. 

THEODORE 

Detectives  are  to  watch  all  the  steamers  to 
morrow.  John  telephoned  at  once. 

LUCY 

But  to-morrow  will  be  too  late !  And,  oh ! 
when  it  all  comes  out  in  the  newspapers !  The 
ghastly  head-lines  -  "well-known  scientist, 
beautiful  daughter  of  a  prominent  family!" 
Oh  !  What  will  people  say  ? 

QOHN,  hurried  and  worried,  rushes  out  shout 
ing  for  LUCY. 

JOHN 

Any  news  ?  Any  news  ?  [THEODORE  and  LUCY 
176 


V'AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

give  him  gestures  of  despair.]  Then  it's  too  late. 
[He,  too,  paces  to  and  fro  in  fury.  Then  bracing 
up.]  Well,  I  found  Rex,  over  at  the  Golf  Club. 
Terribly  cut  up.  But  listen;  not  a  drink,  not 
one !  .  .  .  Where's  Jean  ?  Got  to  see  her  at 
once. 

THEODORE 

Locked  herself  up  in  her  room,  John,  crying 
her  little  heart  out ! 

JOHN 

Rex  is  a  changed  man,  I  tell  you.  We've  got 
to  patch  it  up,  and  we've  got  to  do  it  quick  ! 

LUCY 

But,  John !  When  the  Bakers  hear  about 
Helen  .  .  .  Rex  marry  into  our  family  ?  Never ! 
We're  disgraced,  John,  disgraced  ! 

JOHN 

[impatiently] 

But  they're  not  going  to  hear  about  Helen. 
No  one  knows,  and  no  one  will.  Helen  has  sim 
ply  returned  to  Paris  to  complete  her  scientific 
research.  My  press-agent  —  he's  attending  to 
all  that. 

177 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 

But   questions,   gossip,   rumor  —  it's   bound 
to  come  out  in  time ! 


JOHN 

In  time;  but  meanwhile,  if  Jean  marries  Rex, 
the  Bakers  will  have  to  stand  for  it.  What's 
more,  they'll  make  other  people  stand  for  it. 
Backed  by  the  Bakers,  no  one  will  dare  turn 
us  down.  .  .  .  Our  position  in  the  world,  my 
business  relations  with  the  old  man  —  every 
thing  hangs  on  little  Jean  now.  Tell  her  I've  sim 
ply  got  to  see  her.  [Lucv  hesitates.}  Hurry !  Rex 
is  coming  over  later.  [He  catches  sight  of  the 
table,  festoons,  etc.]  Heavens !  What's  all  this 
tomfoolery  ? 

LUCY 

[going] 

Uncle  Everett's  orders  —  he  wouldn't  stop  to 
explain.  He  left  word  to  summon  the  whole 
family  for  dinner.  [LucY  goes. 

JOHN 
[shrilly] 
The  whole  family !  .  .  .  To-day  of  all  days ! 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 

John  !  You  must  not,  shall  not,  force  Jean  to 
marry  this  man. 

JOHN 

[unappreciated] 

Haven't  I  done  everything  for  my  sisters  ? 
Can't  they  even  marry  for  me? 

THEODORE 

The  man  she  loves  or  none  at  all. 

.- 
JOHN 

That  cub  at  the  law  school  ?  No  money  to 
keep  a  wife,  no  prospects  of  any.  His  father's  a 
college  professor. 

THEODORE 

[shaking  head  sadly} 

"No  love  without  marriage,  no  marriage 
without  —  money  ! "  Ernest  Hamilton's  words 
this  morning,  when  we  walked  to  church. 

JOHN 

[watching  house  expectantly] 
Survival  of  the  fittest,  Theodore,  survival  of 
the  fittest. 

179 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 

The  fittest  for  what  ?  —  for  making  money  ! 
the  only  kind  of  fitness  encouraged  to  survive, 
to  reproduce  its  species. 

JOHN 

If  the  ability  to  make  money  is  not  the  test 
of  fitness,  what  is  ? 

THEODORE 

Then  you  are  more  fit  than  a  hundred  Ham- 
iltons,  are  you  ?  And  Rex  ?  How  fit  is  he  ?  Rex 
never  made  a  cent  in  his  life. 

JOHN 

He's  got  it,  all  the  same.  . . .  See  here  !  Haven't 
I  enough  to  worry  me  without  your  butting  in  ? 
Jean's  got  to  marry  somebody,  sometime,  hasn't 
she? 

THEODORE 

But  not  Rex,  not  if  I  can  prevent  it. 

JOHN 

But  you   can't  —  you  have  nothing  to  do 
with  it  ...  except  to  perform  the  ceremony 
and  get  a  big,  fat  fee  for  it. 
1 80 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 
I  —  marry  Jean  and  Rex  ?  Never ! 

QEAN  comes  out.  She  is  frightened  and  turns 
timidly  to  THEODORE  for  protection. 

JOHN 

Jean,  don't  detain  Theodore.  He  has  an  im 
portant  business  letter  to  write.  [THEODORE 
turns  to  JOHN  indignantly.]  Your  wife's  sana 
torium  bills  —  better  settle  up  before  they  dun 
you  again. 

THEODORE 

With  your  money  ? 

[Takes  JOHN'S  check  out  of  pockety  about  to 
tear  it. 

JOHN 

[catching  THEODORE'S  hand} 
For  Mary's  sake,  for  the  children's  —  don't 
give  way  to  selfish  pride.  .  .  .  Want  to  kill 
your  wife?  Then  take  her  out  of  the  sanatorium. 
Want  to  ruin  your  children?  Then  take  them 
out  of  school!  .  .  .  Cash  your  check,  I  tell  you, 
and  pay  your  debts  ! 

[THEODORE  glances  at  JEAN,  at  check.  A 
struggle.  At  bay,  he  finally  pockets  check 
and  dejectedly  goes  into  the  house. 
181 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JEAN 

[with  a  wet  handkerchief  in  hand] 
Well  ?  If  I  refuse  to  marry  Rex  ?  .  .  .  Cut 
off  my  allowance  or  merely  bully  me  to  death  ? 

JOHN 

[kindly] 

Oh,  come !  You've  filled  your  romantic  little 
head  full  of  novels.  I  never  force  anybody  to  do 
anything.  [Suddenly  breaks  out.]  My  heavens! 
what's  the  matter  with  all  of  you  ?  I  only  want 
to  give  you  and  Lucy  and  Helen  and  Theodore 
and  the  whole  family  the  best  of  everything  in 
life !  And  what  do  I  get  for  it  ?  I'm  a  brutal 
husband,  a  bullying  brother,  and  a  malefactor 
of  wealth.  Lord !  I  guess  I  have  some  rights, 
even  if  I  have  got  money ! 

JEAN 

Rex  has  money,  too.  Should  that  give  him  the 
right  to  women  ?  I,  too,  have  some  rights  —  even 
though  I  am  a  woman. 

JOHN 

Any  woman  who  can't  care  enough  for  a 
Baker  to  marry  him  —  Rex  is  the  sort  who 
182 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

would  do  everything  in  the  world  for  the 
woman  he  loves,  everything.  All  the  Bakers  are 
like  that. 

JEAN 

But  what  would  he  do  for  the  woman  he  no 
longer  loves  ? 

JOHN 
He  wasn't  fool  enough  to  tell  you  about  that  ? 

JEAN 
About  what  ? 

JOHN 

[halting] 

Nothing  —  I  thought  —  I  tell  you,  Rex  has 
reformed. 

JEAN 

You  thought  I  meant  his  "past."  I  meant 
his  future  .  .  .  and  my  own. 

JOHN 

Well,  if  you  expect  to  find  a  saint,  you'll 
never  get  married  at  all. 

JEAN 

And  if  I  never  married  at  all  ? 
183 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 
Then  what  will  you  do  ? 

JEAN 

[with  a  wail  of  despair] 

That's  it  —  then  what  should  I  do  —  what 
could  I  do  ?  Oh,  it's  so  unfair,  so  unfair  to  train 
girls  only  for  this!  What  chance,  what  choice 
have  I  ?  To  live  on  the  bounty  of  a  disapprov 
ing  brother  or  a  man  I  do  not  love !  Oh,  how 
I  envy  Helen !  If  I  only  had  a  chance,  a  decent 
chance ! 

JOHN 

Any  sensible  girl  would  envy  your  chance. 
You'll  never  have  another  like  it.  You'll  never 
have  another  at  all !  Grab  it,  I  tell  you,  grab  it. 
[REX  comes  quietly,  a  determined  look  on  his  face, 
JOHN  sees  him.]  Now,  think,  before  too  late, 
think  hard.  Think  what  it  means  to  be  an  old 
maid.  [And  leaves  them  abruptly. 

QEAN  stands  alone,  looking  very  pretty  in 
girlish  distress.  REX  gazes  at  her  a  mo 
ment  and  then  with  sudden  passion  he 
silently  rushes  over,  seizes  her  in  his  arms, 
kisses  her  furiously. 

184 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JEAN 

[indignant,  struggles,  frees  herself y  and  rubs  her 

cheek] 
Ugh  !  How  could  you  ! 

REX 
Because  I  love  you  ! 

JEAN 
Love !  It  isn't  even  respect  now. 

REX 

Has  that  fellow  ever  kissed  you  ? 

JEAN 

I  have  begged  you  never  to  refer  to  him 
again. 

REX 

He  has !  He  has  held  you  in  his  arms.  He  has 
kissed  your  lips,  your  cheeks,  your  eyes ! 

JEAN 

How  many  women  have  you  held  in  your 
arms  ?  Have  I  ever  tried  to  find  out  ? 

REX 

Ah !  You  don't  deny  it,  you  can't. 

185 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JEAN 

I  can !  He  respects  me.  I  don't  deserve  it,  but 

he  does. 

i 

REX 

Thank  heavens !  Oh,  you  don't  know  how 
this  has  tormented  me,  little  Jean.  The  thought 
of  any  other  man's  coming  near  you  —  why,  I 
couldn't  have  felt  the  same  toward  you  again, 
I  just  couldn't. 

JEAN 

[bites  her  lips  —  then  deliberately} 
Well,  then  .  .  .  other  men  have  come  near 
me  .  .  .  other  men  have  kissed  me,  Rex. 

REX 

[getting  wild  again] 
What !  When  ?  Where  ? 

JEAN 

[laughing  cynically] 

Oh,  in  conservatories  in  town,  John's  camp 
in  the  North  Woods,  motor  rides  in  the  coun 
try  —  once  or  twice  out  here  on  this  very  ter 
race,  when  I've  felt  sentimental  in  the  moon 
light. 

1 86 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

REX 

[recoiling] 

Oh !  Jean !  I  never  supposed  you  were  that 
sort! 

JEAN 

[with  distaste] 

Oh,  I  don't  make  a  habit  of  it !  I'm  not  that 
sort.  But  .  .  .  well,  this  isn't  all  I  could  tell 
you  about  myself,  Rex. 

REX 

Don't!  .  .  .  Oh,  what  do  you  mean  —  quick. 

JEAN 

Oh,  I've  merely  been  handled,  not  hurt. 
Slightly  shop-worn  but  as  good  as  new. 

REX 

[after  a  pause,  quietly] 

Jean,  what  makes  you  say  such  horribly  hon 
est  things  to  me  ? 

JEAN 

Yesterday  I  did  you  a  great  unkindness,  Rex. 
I  deserve  to  suffer  for  it.  ...  You  don't  sup 
pose  I  enjoy  talking  this  way  about  myself  ? 

187 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

REX 

I  never  heard  a  girl  —  a  nice  girl  —  talk  like 
this  before. 

JEAN 

Naturally  not.  Usually  "nice"  girls  hide  it. 
It's  an  instinct  in  women  —  to  keep  up  their 
value.  .  .  .  Often  I've  had  thoughts  and  feel 
ings  which  "nice"  girls  of  your  artificial  ideal 
are  supposed  never  to  have  at  all.  Perfectly  nat 
ural,  too,  especially  girls  of  my  sort.  We  have  so 
little  to  occupy  our  minds,  except  men!  To  have 
a  useful,  absorbing  occupation  —  it  rubs  off 
the  bloom,  lowers  our  price  in  the  market,  you 
see. 

REX 

Oh,  stop !  ...  If  you're  not  going  to  marry 
me,  say  so,  but 

JEAN 

But  I  am !  .  .  .  I  am  not  going  to  be  a  de 
pendent  old  maid.  [Rsx,  bewildered,  only  gazes 
at  her.]  But,  first,  I  want  you  to  know  exactly 
what  you're  getting  for  your  money.  That  seems 
only  businesslike. 

REX 
[recoils] 

Would  you  only  marry  me  for  that  ? 
188 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JEAN 

I  told  you  I  loved  another  man.  Do  you  want 
me  ? 

REX 

[with  jealousy  returning 
Do  I  want  you!  He  shan't  have  you. 

[He  comes  close. 

JEAN 

Then  take  me. 

REX 

[seizes  her  passionately} 

I'll  make  you  love  me!  [Kisses  her  trium 
phantly.]  I'll  bring  a  different  light  into  those 
cold  eyes  of  yours.  Wait  until  you're  married  ! 
Wait  until  you're  awakened.  I'll  make  you  for 
get  that  man,  all  other  men.  You  are  to  be  mine 
—  all  mine,  all  mine  !  [During  this  embrace  JEAN 
is  quite  passive,  holds  up  her  cheek  to  be  kissed, 
and  when  he  seeks  her  lips  she  shuts  her  eyes  and 
gives  him  her  lips.  He  suddenly  stops,  chilled; 
holding  her  at  arm's  length.}  But  I  don't  care  to 
marry  an  iceberg.  Can't  you  love  me  a  little  ? 
Haven't  you  any  sentiment  in  your  cynical 
little  soul  .  .  ..you  irresistible  darling! 
189 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JEAN 

In  my  soul  ?  Yes  !  It's  only  my  body  I'm  sell 
ing,  you  know. 

[Then  deliberately  —  clearly  without  passion 
—  throws  her  arms  about  his  neck,  cling 
ing  close  and  kissing  him  repeatedly  until 
REX  responds. 

REX 

Look  out,  here  comes  the  parson. 

[THEODORE  comes  out  of  the  house. 

JEAN 

Oh,  Theodore !  Rex  and  I  have  come  to  an 
understanding.  .  .  .  Will  you  solemnize  our 
blessed  union  ? 

THEODORE 

Not  unless  you  truly  love  each  other.  Mar 
riage  is  sacred. 

JEAN 

[rapidly} 

A  large  church  wedding  —  that  will  make  it 
sacred.  A  full  choral  service  —  many  expensive 
flowers  —  all  the  smartest  people  invited  —  that 
always  makes  the  union  of  two  souls  sacred. 
190 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 

« 

Those  who  truly  love  —  their  friends  should 
witness  the  solemn  rite,  but 


JEAN 

[interrupts.  To  REX] 

And  my  wedding  gown  will  be  white  satin 
with  a  point-lace  veil  caught  up  with  orange- 
blossoms  and  a  diamond  tiara—  "the  gift  of 
the  groom"  —  that  ought  to  make  it  solemn. 

THEODORE 
The  white  veil  is  the  symbol  of  purity,  Jean. 

JEAN 

[rattling  on  wildly} 

Of  purity,  Rex,  do  you  hear  ?  Whenever  you 
see  a  bride  in  the  white  symbol  of  purity  she  is 
pure  —  that  proves  it.  That  makes  it  all  so 
beautiful !  so  sacred  !  so  holy  !  holy  !  holy  ! 

[Hysterically  turns  and  runs  into  the  house 
as  JOHN  comes  out. 

THEODORE 

[following] 

Jean,  you  must  not,  you  shall  not  —  [JoHN 
blocks  THEODORE.  REX  runs  in  after  JEAN.  To 
191 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN.]  John,  I  warn  you !  I'll  prevent  this  mar 
riage.  I'll  tell  every  clergyman  in  the  diocese. 
I'll  inform  the  bishop  himself.  This  marriage 
would  be  a  sacrilege. 

JOHN 

You  dare  threaten  me  —  after  all  I've  done 
for  you ! 

THEODORE 

Your  five  thousand  was  a  loan  —  not  a 
bribe  —  every  cent  of  it  will  be  returned. 

JOHN 

You  can't  return  it.  I  wouldn't  let  you  if  you 
could.  Come,  it's  all  in  the  family.  [THEODORE 
shakes  his  head.}  You  know  that  beautiful  Gothic 
Chapel  old  man  Baker  is  building  on  his  estate  ? 
He  likes  you.  I'll  tell  him  you're  just  the  man 
he's  looking  for  —  safe  and  sane  —  no  socialistic 
tendencies. 

THEODORE 

Don't  trouble  yourself  —  he  offered  me  the 
place  this  morning. 

JOHN 
You  didn't  refuse  it ! 

192 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 

I  did  —  this  morning.  But  since  my  last  talk 
with  you  I've  reconsidered,  I've  telephoned  my 
acceptance. 

JOHN 

[genuinely  glad] 

Bully !  Great !  Why,  now  you're  fixed  for 
life.  "Only  one  kind  of  fitness  encouraged," 
eh?  ...  Right  always  triumphs  in  the  end. 
Never  lose  your  faith  again,  Theodore. 

THEODORE 

Right  ?  That  whited  sepulchre !  his  mill  hands 
dying  like  flies,  his  private  life  a  public  scandal ! 

JOHN 

[with  a  cynical  grin] 
Then  why  accept  his  tainted  money  ? 

THEODORE 

[from  his  soul] 

To  keep  my  wife  alive.  To  keep  my  children 
out  of  the  streets.  To  keep  myself  out  of  deeper 
debt  to  you.  That's  why  I  accept  it  —  that's 
why  many  a  man  sells  his  soul  to  the  devil.  .  .  . 
If  I  had  only  myself  to  consider  —  why,  to  me  a 

193 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

little  thing  like  death  would  be  a  blessed  luxury. 
But  I,  why,  John,  I  cannot  afford  —  even  to 
die.  I  must  compromise  and  live  —  live  for 
those  dependent  on  me.  .  .  .  Your  five  thousand 
will  be  returned  with  interest,  but  your  little 
sister  will  not  be  married  to  a  man  she  does  not 
want. 

JOHN 

But  Rex  wants  her  and  money  talks  in  this 
world,  louder  than  the  Church.  Refuse  to  marry 
Baker's  son  and  how  long  will  you  keep  Baker's 
chapel  ?  .  .  .  Think  it  over,  Theodore,  think  it 
over. 

{Suddenly  the  JUDGE  in  motor  garments  cov 
ered  with  dust  comes  out  panting,  followed 
by  LUCY  calling. 

LUCY 
Uncle  Everett !  Uncle  Everett ! 

JUDGE 
John!  Oh,  John! 

JOHN 
Where  is  she! 

194 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 
You  were  too  late ! 

JUDGE 
Wait !  Give  me  time  to  get  my  breath. 

[Fans  himself  with  his  cap  and  mops  brow. 

JOHN 

My  detective  —  didn't  he  meet  their  train  ? 

QUDGE  nods  yes. 

LUCY 
But  they  saw  him  first  ? 

QUDGE  shakes  head  no. 

THEODORE 
Didn't  he  follow  them  ?          QUDGE  nod s  yes. 

JOHN 

Where'd  they  go  ?  Where  are  they  ?  Speak, 
man,  speak ! 

JUDGE 

[raises  cap  and  handkerchief] 
Now,  just  give  me  a  chance  and  I'll  tell  the 
whole   story.  .  .  .  The   detective   was   waiting 

195 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

at  the  station.  He  saw  them  step  out  of  the  train. 
He  followed  them  to  the  cab-stand.  He  watched 
them  get  into  a  taxi — jumped  into  another 
himself  —  and  away  they  went,  pursued  by  the 
detective  and  blissfully  ignorant  of  his  exis 
tence.  .  .  .  Even  now  they  don't  know  they 
were  being  watched  —  or  else  .  .  .  well,  they 
might  have  taken  another  course. 

LUCY 
Quick !  Tell  us  the  worst. 

JUDGE 
[hesitates] 

Well  .  .  .  they    drove    straight    to    Helen's 
apartment. 

LUCY 
And  you  were  too  late.  I  thought  so. 

JOHN 

But  my  detective  ? 

JUDGE 

He   followed   and   reported   to   me  when   I 
reached  town. 

196 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

LUCY 
Reported  what  ?  Tell  us  all. 

JUDGE 

First  he  saw  Ernest  help  Helen  out  of  the 
taxi  —  very  tenderly,  like  this.  Little  they  real 
ized  then  how  every  detail  was  to  be  reported 
to  you  now! 

JOHN 
Go  on !  Go  on ! 

JUDGE 

Then  the  detective  saw  Ernest  deliber 
ately  

LUCY 

Yes,  go  on. 

JUDGE 

Deliberately  lift  his  hat  like  this,  say  "good 
afternoon"  just  like  that,  and  drive  on  to  his 
own  apartment  a  mile  away. 

[There  is  a  sudden  silence;  the  others  waitin^ 
the  JUDGE  now  sits  down. 

LUCY 

Oh,  is  that  all  ? 

197 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 
Why,  it's  exactly  as  if  they  were  engaged  ! 

JUDGE 
No,  Theodore,  not  exactly  as  if  engaged. 

JOHN 

You're  keeping  something  back  from  us ! 
Speak ! 

JUDGE 

[gets  up  from  chair] 

Must  I  tell  you  ?  It's  rather  delicate.  .  .  . 
Well,  he  didn't  even  step  into  the  vestibule  to 
kiss  her  good-by.  [All  look  at  each  other. 

JOHN 
But  where  are  they  now  ?  Quick ! 

LUCY 
They  met  later !  I  knew  it. 

JUDGE 

Yes,  it's  true.  They  are  alone  together  at 
this  very  moment. 

198 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ALL 
Where !  Where  ? 

JUDGE 

[pointing  to  house] 
There. 

JOHN 
What !  What  are  they  doing  here  ? 

JUDGE 

[resumes  fanning] 

Discussing  the  marriage  problem.  [General 
rejoicing  and  relief.]  Sssh !  Not  so  loud,  you 
might  interrupt  them. 

JOHN 

[nodding  knowingly] 
Cold  feet !  Knew  he'd  lose  his  job. 

LUCY 
The  disgrace.  She  couldn't  face  it. 

THEODORE 
No,  conscience.  A  deep  religious  nature. 

[They  all  think  it  over  a  moment,  each  sure 
of  his  own  diagnosis. 
199 


k'AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 
JOHN 

[turning  to  JUDGE  with  amusement] 
So !  Decided  the  soul-mate  theory  wouldn't 
work  in  practice,  eh  ? 

THEODORE  and  LUCY 
And  they  agree  to  marry  ? 

JUDGE 

[stops  fanning] 

Marry  ?  My,  no !  Nothing  like  that.  They 
think  less  of  marriage  than  ever  now!  Helen 
is  using  woman's  sweet  indirect  influence  on 
Ernest  in  there  at  this  moment! 

[All  start  toward  the  house  impulsively,  but 
on  second  thoughts  they  all  stop. 

JOHN 
Then  how  on  earth  did  you  get  them  back ! 

JUDGE 

[lighting  cigar] 

Oh,  perfectly  simple,  I  promised  Helen  you'd 
apologize  to  Ernest;  promised  Ernest  you'd 
apologize  to  Helen.  [To  LUCY.]  Promised  both 
you'd  arrange  a  nice  little  family  party  for  'em. 
They  bear  no  grudge.  They're  too  happy. 
200 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED'* 

LUCY 

[horrified.  Indicates  table] 
The  family  party  —  for  them?  Horrors  ! 

JUDGE 

[tossing  away  match] 

Yes,  here  in  your  happy  home.  [The  others 
turn  on  the  JUDGE  indignantly]  Well,  don't  jump 
on  me.  I  tell  you  they  positively  decline  to  elope 
until  after  they  tell  the  whole  damn  family. 
Considerate  of  them,  I  say.  You  don't  deserve 
it,  if  you  ask  me. 

JOHN 

[incredulous] 

Tell  the  whole.  .  .  see  here,  are  they  crazy  ? 
Are  you  crazy  ?  Do  you  think  I'm  crazy  ? 

[Impetuously  turns  toward  the  housey  a  man 
of  action. 

JUDGE 

[stopping  JOHN] 

Wait !  .  .  .  You've  already  done  your  best 
to  destroy  your  sister  —  but  you've  utterly 
failed.  They  have  done  nothing  wrong  —  as  yet. 
Why,  they  are  the  finest,  truest,  noblest  pair 
of  lovers  I  ever  met !  Now,  aren't  they,  Theo 
dore  ? 

20 1 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 

I  can't  say  that  I  call  Helen's  ideas  of  mar 
riage  "noble,"  exactly! 

JUDGE 

[grandiloquent] 

She  is  willing  to  sacrifice  even  marriage  for  his 
career.  Isn't  that  noble  ?  And  he  !  willing  to  sac 
rifice  even  his  career  for  marriage.  Both  noble, 
if  you  ask  me. 

JOHN 

[loud] 

Noble  tommy-rot  !  —  a  pair  of  pig-headed, 
highbrow  fools  !  They  don't  have  to  sacrifice 
anything  for  anybody.  Can't  they  work  to 
gether  just  as  well  married  as  unmarried  ? 

JUDGE 


That's  what  I  said  to  her,  but  you  had  al 
ready  convinced  her  that  it  was  impractical. 
Work  and  marriage  -  "combine  the  two,  and 
you'll  fail  at  both  "  —  your  own  warning,  John. 

JOHN 
[angry] 

B'r'r  —  you  think  you're  very  funny,  don't 
202 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

you !  But  that's  my  sister  in  there,  planning  to 
be  that  fellow's  mistress  —  right  here  in  my 
own  house  !  Anything  funny  about  that ! 

JUDGE 

[stepping  aside] 

All  right,  go  put  a  stop  to  it  then !  QOHN 
starts  toward  house.]  It's  your  own  house  —  turn 
her  out  again.  QOHN  stops  short.]  What  are  you 
going  to  do  about  it,  John  ?  QOHN  has  no  an 
swer.]  Drive  little  Jean  into  marriage  with  a 
man  she  does  not  love  —  she  is  an  old-fashioned 
girl.  But  your  other  sister  —  you  can't  make 
her  marry  even  the  man  she  does  love,  unless 
she  sees  fit.  She  is  the  New  Woman  !  Society  can 
no  longer  force  females  into  wedlock  —  so  it 
is  forcing  them  out  ...  by  the  thousands  !  Ap 
prove  of  it  ?  Of  course  not.  But  what  good  will 
our  disapproval  do  ?  They  will  only  laugh  at 
you.  The  strike  is  on.  Few  of  the  strikers  will 
let  you  see  it.  Few  of  the  strikers  have  Helen's 
courage.  But,  believe  it  or  not,  the  strike  will 
spread.  It  cannot  be  crushed  by  law  or  force. 
Unless  society  wakes  up  and  reforms  its  rules 
and  regulations  of  marriage,  marriage  is  doomed. 
.  .  .  What  are  you  going  to  do  about  it  ?  [Si 
lence.]  I  thought  so  —  nothing.  Call  them  bad 
203 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

women  and  let  it  go  at  that.  Blame  it  all  on 
human  nature,  made  by  God,  and  leave  un 
touched  our  human  institutions,  made  by  man. 
You  poor  little  pessimists !  human  nature  to 
day  is  better  than  it  ever  was,  but  our  most 
important  institution  is  worse  —  the  most  sa 
cred  relationship  in  life  has  become  a  jest  in 
the  market-place.  .  .  .  You  funny  little  cow 
ards,  you're  afraid  of  life,  afraid  of  love,  afraid 
of  truth.  You  worship  lies,  and  call  it  God  ! 

JOHN 

[interrupts] 

All  right,  all  right  —  but  we  can't  change 
marriage  overnight  just  to  suit  Helen.  What 
are  you  going  to  do  about  it  ? 

JUDGE 

There's  just  one  thing  to  do.  Will  you  back 
me  up  in  everything  I  say  ? 

JOHN 

[acknowledging  his  own  defeat] 
Anything  —  everything. 

JUDGE 

Then  tell  Helen  she  doesn't  have  to  marry, 
204 


From  a  photograph  by  White  Studio. 

JUDGE:  You  poor  little  pessimists  !  Human  nature  to-day  is  better  than 
it  ever  was,  but  our  most  important  institution  is  worse — the  most 
sacred  relationship  in  life  has  become  a  jest  in  the  market-place. 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

that,  with  the  best  intentions,  the  Church  has 
made  a  muddle  of  monogamy. 

THEODORE 
Uncle  Everett,  I  protest. 

JUDGE 

That  we  all  admire  their  consecrated  courage 
and  advise  their  trying  this  conscientious  experi 
ment. 

JOHN 
Not  if  I  have  anything  to  say  about  it ! 

JUDGE 

But  you  haven't.  Do  please  get  that  through 
your  head.  .  .  .  Theodore,  they've  talked 
enough,  ask  them  to  step  out  here  and  receive 
John's  blessing.  [Impatiently.]  Go  on  —  I'll  fix 
John.  [THEODORE  goes.]  [To  JOHN,  who  is  about 
to  burst  forth.]  Oh,  see  here,  did  you  ever  pull  a 
dog  into  the  house  against  his  will  ?  .  .  .  Let 
him  alone  and  he'll  follow  you  in,  wag  his  tail, 
and  lick  your  hand. 

JOHN 

You  mean,  they'll  come  in,  be  respectable  ? 
205 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

Admit  that  marriage  has  numerous  drawbacks 

—  and  they'll  see  its  advantages.   Deny  it  - 
and  they'll  see  nothing  but  each  other.  Marriage 
is  in  a  bad  way,  but  it's  the  less  of  two  evils. 
Marriage  must  adjust  itself  to  the  New  Woman 

—  but  the  New  Woman  must  meanwhile  adjust 
herself  to  marriage.   [Briskly  to  LUCY.]   Now, 
then,  did  you  send  out  that  hurry  call  for  the 
family  this  evening  ? 

LUCY 

Yes,  they're  on  their  way  here  now,  but 
Uncle  Everett,  Doctor  Hamilton  said,  next 
week. 

JUDGE 

Yes,  I  know  —  it'll  be  a  little  surprise  party 
for  Helen.  .  .  .  Did  you  order  some  music  ? 

LUCY 

Yes,  the  musicians  are  to  be  stationed  in  the 
library. 

JUDGE 

Excellent,  excellent.  [Indicates  tables  and  fes 
toons.]  All  that  junk  will  help,  too.  A  good  Sun- 
206 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

day  supper  this  evening,  Lucy;  your  best  cham 
pagne,  John  —  gay  spirits,  family  affection, 
warm  approval,  toasts  to  the  future.  Why,  all 
we'll  have  to  do  is  —  [Breaks  off.]  Here  they 
come.  Now  follow  my  lead.  They've  done  a  lot 
of  thinking  since  you  saw  them  last,  but  — 
make  one  misstep  and  it's  all  off. 

LUCY 

Be  nice  to  her,  John.  It  was  just  a  girlish 
impulse.. 

QOHN  opens  arms  to  receive  HELEN. 

JOHN 

My  sister !  All  is  forgiven. 

HELEN 

[stops  shorty  her  lip  curls] 
You  forgive  me? 

[Before  JOHN   can   reply,   THEODORE   and 
ERNEST  follow,  talking. 

ERNEST 

But  I  tell  you  he  had  a  perfect  right  to  put 
me  off  his  property.  The  thing  I  can't  overlook 
—   [Sees  JOHN  and  LUCY.  Points  finger  at  them 
207 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

accusingly.]  Theodore  has  told  me  what  you 
thought.  .  .  .  Please  don't  judge  us  by  your 
selves  again  —  you  licentious-minded  married 
people! 

[He   shrugs   his    shoulders   with  fastidious 
disgust  and  turns  his  back  upon  them. 

JOHN 

[gasping]  • 
Well,  I'll  be  damned. 

JUDGE 

[whispers] 
Stand  for  it  —  he's  right. 

THEODORE 

But  Ernest  .  .  .  I'm  bound  to  say  when  two 
people  run  away  together 

ERNEST 

Ah,  Theodore !  you,  too  ?  Are  all  married  peo 
ple  alike  ?  Did  we  want  to  "run  away"  as  you 
call  it  ?  Did  we  not  ask  for  a  week  to  think  it 
ver  ?  Did  we  not  stipulate  that  in  any  case  we 
ust  frankly  face  the  family  first  ?   But  this 
^rson  —  what  did  he  do  ?  he  ordered   us  off 

208 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

his  property,  like  trespassers !  What  could  we 
do  ?  Sit  down  in  the  road  and  wait  a  week  ?  Bah  ! 
we  went  home  —  you  suspicious  married  people, 
you  hypocritical,  unspeakable  married  people ! 
[JUDGE  has  difficulty  in  restraining  JOHN.]  Why, 
I  believe  our  good  friend  the  Judge  here  is  the 
only  decent-minded,  properly  married  person 
on  your  property. 

JOHN 

[bursting  out] 
Decent-minded  —  why,  he's  div 


[Lucy  stops  him. 

JUDGE 

[steps  in] 

Dev-oted  to  his  wife.  Lucy  is  jealous  of  what 
I'm  doing  for  my  wife.  [Controls  laughter.]  Now 
come,  we  must  all  just  let  bygones  be  bygones. 
We  know  your  intentions  are  honorable,  your 
courage  admirable;  and  for  whatever  was  amiss 
in  word,  deed,  or  thought,  we  all  humbly  apol 
ogize  —  don't  we,  John  ?  [JoHN  bows  uncomfort 
ably.}  Lucy  ?  Theodore  ?  And  now  I  want  you 
all  to  tell  Ernest  and  Helen  what  you  told  me  — 
that  their  arguments  against  marriage  are  un 
answerable,  their  logic  unimpeachable,  and  we 
209 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

no  longer  have  the  slightest  intention  or  desire 
to  get  them  divorced  by  matrimony.  QOHN, 
THEODORE,  and  LUCY  look  dubious.  JUDGE 
crosses  over  and  pinches  them.  HELEN  and  ER 
NEST  are  utterly  bewildered.]  Why,  we  wouldn't 
let  a  little  thing  like  marriage  come  between 
them  for  the  world,  would  we,  John  ?  would  we, 
Lucy  ?  would  we,  Theodore  ? 

JOHN 

\with  an  effort] 
I  agree  with  Uncle  Everett  entirely. 

JUDGE 
And  you,  Theodore  ? 

THEODORE 

[in  a  low  voice] 
Perfectly. 

JUDGE 
And  you,  Lucy  ? 

LUCY 

{with  a  nervous  glance  at  JOHN! 
Absolutely. 

210 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

[to  the  lovers] 
There.  You  see? 

[ERNEST  looks  from  one  to  the  other  in  amaze 
ment. 

HELEN 

[laughing] 
I  don't  believe  a  word  of  it ! 

JUDGE 

Why  not  ?  why  not  ? 

HELEN 

Very  well,  then  invite  the  whole  family  here 
next  Sunday! 

JUDGE 
'  They'll  be  here  in  an  hour.       [Points  to  tables. 

HELEN  and  ERNEST 

[recoiling^ 
In  an  hour ! 

JUDGE 

Yes,  you  are  to  begin  your  new  life  together 
this  evening!  Isn't  it  lovely? 
211 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 
[gasping] 

But  that's  so  sudden.  Why,  we  —  we  aren't 
ready. 

THEODORE 
Just  as  ready  as  you'll  ever  be. 

JUDGE 

Ernest's  vacation  begins  to-morrow  —  your 
honeymoon. 

HELEN 
But,  don't  you  see 

LUCY 

Those  new  Paris  clothes  John  gave  you  — 
your  trousseau. 

ERNEST 

Well,  but 

JUDGE 

And  this  family  gathering  this  evening,  your 
—  in  a  manner  of  speaking  —  wedding  party. 
[Waving  aside  all  the  lovers'  objections.]  Now,  it's 
all  fixed,  let's  go  and  dress  for  the  —  as  it 
were  —  ceremony. 

212 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

[blocks  the  way.  Serious] 

Wait !  Did  I  ever  say  I  would  not  marry  this 
woman  ?  [All  stop,  turn,  exchange  glances. 

JUDGE 

[apart} 
Ah!  a  broad-minded  chap. 

JOHN 

[with  a  wink  at  JUDGE] 

Ah  !  so  you  think  you'd  like  to  marry  my  sis 
ter  after  all  ? 

ERNEST 

Oh,  you're  an  ass!  What  have  I  been  doing 
for  the  past  twenty-four  hours  ?  Begging  her  to 
marry  me.  What  have  you  been  doing  ?  Prevent 
ing  it.  Why  did  I  postpone  sailing  for  a  week  ? 
Why  did  I  insist  upon  the  family  party  ? 
[Comes  nearer  to  JOHN.]  You're  an  idiot. 

JUDGE 

[pinching  JOHN] 

Stand  for  it,  John.  You've  got  to  stand  for  it. 
Tell  him  you  love  him  like  a  brother  .  .  .  in-law. 
213 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 
JOHN 

[controls  himself] 

Well,  I  ...  I  —  you  have  my  consent,  Doc- 
*or  Hamilton,  I'm  sure. 

ERNEST 

Your  consent !  What's  that  got  to  do  with  it  ? 
[They  all  turn  toward  HELEN.  ERNEST  steps  be 
tween  them.}  Now  wait !  .  .  .  This  morning  you 
tried  bullying.  Did  it  work  ?  This  afternoon 
bluffing.  Think  that  will  work  ?  [Hand  on  HEL 
EN'S  shoulder.]  You  can't  frighten  her  into  mar 
riage.  I've  tried  that  myself.  We've  got  to  ap 
peal  to  some  higher  motive  than  self-interest  or 
superstition  with  this  woman,  racial  motives, 
unselfish  motives.  [With  force.]  But  don't  talk 
to  me  about  her  being  "immoral."  I  won't 
stand  for  it.  If  you  want  her  to  marry,  prove 
the  morality  of  marriage. 

THEODORE 
The  "morality  of  marriage"  !  What  next  ? 

ERNEST 
[to  THEODORE] 

That's  what  I  said  —  the  morality  of  mar 
riage  !  This  woman  is  not  on  trial  before  you. 
214 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

Marriage  is  on  trial  before  her,  and  thus  far 
I'm  bound  to  say  you've  not  made  out  a  good 
case  for  it.  But  simply  justify  her  marrying  me, 
and  —  I  give  you  my  word  —  you  can  perform 
the  ceremony  this  very  evening.  No  license  is 
required  in  this  State,  you  know. 

[This  creates  a  sensation. 

JUDGE 

Now,  what  could  be  fairer  than  that!  [To 
HELEN.]  Do  you  agree  to  this  ? 

HELEN 

[she  nods] 
We  agree  in  everything. 

JUDGE 

Both  broad-minded ! 

HELEN 

[quietly] 

I  never  said  I  did  not  believe  in  a  legal  wed 
ding  —  [others  surprised]  for  those  who  can 
afford  the  luxury  of  children.  .  .  .  But  for  those 
who  have  to  take  it  out  in  working  for  other 
people's  children  all  their  lives  —  a  ceremony 
215 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

seems  like  a  subterfuge.  Without  children  I 
don't  see  how  any  marriage  is  ever  consum 
mated  —  socially. 

THEODORE 

Ah,  but  this  relationship  —  it's  a  sacred 
thing  in  itself. 

HELEN 
[sincerely] 

I  know  it.  I  want  to  do  right,  Theodore, 
please  believe  that  I  do!  But  the  kind  of  mar 
riage  preached  by  the  Church  and  practised  by 
the  world  —  does  that  cherish  the  real  sacred- 
ness  of  this  relationship?  Of  course,  I  can  only 
judge  from  appearances,  but  so  often  marriage 
seems  to  destroy  the  sacredness  —  yes,  and  also 
the  usefulness  —  of  this  relationship! 

ERNEST 
But,  my  dear  girl 

HELEN 

[smiles] 

He  thinks  so,  too.  Only  he  has  a  quaint,  man 
nish  notion  that  he  must  "protect  me."    [To 
ERNEST,  patting  his  arm.]    Haven't  you,  dear ! 
[Again  she  has  raised  the  shield  of  'flippancy. 
216 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

What  did  I  tell  you,  Theodore  ?  The  old  mar 
riage  doesn't  fit  the  New  Woman.  A  self-sup 
porting  girl  like  Helen  objects  to  obeying  a 
mere  man  —  like  Ernest. 

HELEN 

[patting  the  JUDGE'S  arm  affectionately,  too] 
Uncle  Everett,  you  know  nothing  about  it ! 
You  think  you  understand  the  new  generation. 
The  only  generation  you  understand  is  the  one 
which  clamored  for  "Woman's  Rights."  [To 
ERNEST.]  I  obey  you  already  —  every  day  of 
my  life,  do  I  not,  dear  ?  [Looking  up  into  his 
face.]  You're  my  "boss,"  aren't  you,  Ernest? 
[To  JUDGE.]  But  I  do  object  to  contracting  by 
law  for  what  is  better  done  by  love. 

JUDGE 

[laughs  fondly] 

But  suppose  the  promise  to  obey  were  left 
out? 

HELEN 

But  the  contract  to  love  —  [To  THEODORE.] 
that's  so  much  worse,  it  seems  to  me.  Obedience 
is  a  mere  matter  of  will,  is  it  not?  But  when 

a  man  promises  to  love  until  death 

217 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 

Are  you  so  cold,  so  scientific,  so  unsexed,  that 
you  cannot  trust  the  man  you  love  ? 

HELEN 

Why,  Theodore,  if  I  didn't  trust  him  I'd 
marry  him !  Contracts  are  not  for  those  who 
trust  —  they're  for  those  who  don't. 

LUCY 

[takes  HELEN  apart] 

Now,  I  may  be  old-fashioned,  Helen,  but  I'm 
a  married  woman,  and  I  know  men.  You  never 
can  tell,  my  dear,  you  never  can  tell. 

HELEN 

Do  you  think  I'd  live  with  a  man  who  did  not 
love  me  ?  Do  you  think  I'd  live  on  a  man  I  did 
not  love  ?  [Lucv  blinks.]  Why,  what  kind  of  a 
woman  should  I  be  then !  The  name  wife  — 
would  that  change  it  ?  Calling  it  holy  —  would 
that  hallow  it  ?  ...  Every  woman,  married  or 
not,  knows  the  truth  about  this!  In  her  soul 
woman  has  always  known.  But  until  to-day 
has  never  dared  to  tell. 
218 


"AND  So  THEYWERE  MARRIED'* 

ERNEST 

[approaching  HELEN] 

Oh,  come  now  —  those  vows  —  they  aren't 
intended  in  a  literal  sense.  Ask  Theodore 
Why,  no  sane  person  means  half  of  that  gib- 
gerish.  "With  all  my  worldly  goods  I  thee  en 
dow" —  millions  of  men  have  said  it  —  how 
many  ever  did  it  ?  How  many  clergymen  ever 
expect  them  to!  .  .  .  It's  all  a  polite  fiction  in 
beautiful,  sonorous  English. 

HELEN 

The  most  sacred  relationship  in  life !  Ernest, 
shall  you  and  I  enter  it  unadvisedly,  lightly, 
and  with  LIES  on  our  lips  ?  .  .  .  Simply  because 
others  do? 

ERNEST 

[a  little  impatient} 

But  the  whole  world  stands  for  this.  And  the 
world  won't  stand  for  that. 

HELEN 

Is  that  reverently,  soberly,  and  in  the  fear 

of  God  ?  No,  cynically,  selfishly,  and  in  the  fear 

of  man.  I  don't  want  to  be  obstinate,  I  don't 

like  to  set  myself  up   as   "holier  than  thou," 

219 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

but,  Ernest,  unless  we  begin  honestly,  we'll  end 
dishonestly.  Somehow  marriage  seems  wicked 
to  me. 

JUDGE 

[nudging  THEODORE] 
How  do  you  like  that? 

THEODORE 
John  is  right  —  they've  gone  mad. 

ERNEST 

All  the  same,  you've  got  to  marry  me  — 
you've  simply  got  to. 

HELEN 

You  are  mistaken.  I  do  not  have  to  marry 
any  one.  I  can  support  myself. 

ERNEST 
Then  I'm  disappointed  in  you. 

HELEN 
And  I  in  you. 

ERNEST 

I  thought  you  were  sensible. 
220 


"AND  So  THEYWERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 
I  thought  you  were  honest. 

ERNEST 
Honest !  You  accuse  me  of  dishonesty  ? 

HELEN 

You  don't  believe  in  "half  of  that  gibberish." 
Yet  you  are  willing  to  work  the  Church  for  our 
own  worldly  advantage !  You  are  willing  to 
prostitute  the  most  sacred  thing  in  life!  ...  If 
that  is  not  dishonest,  what  is ! 

ERNEST 

And  you  are  the  woman  I  love  and  want  to 
marry  !  In  all  my  life  I  was  never  accused  of  dis 
honesty  before. 

HELEN 

You  never  tried  to  marry  before.  No  one  is 
honest  about  marriage. 

ERNEST 

I  never  shall  try  again.  I'm  going  to  Paris 
to-morrow  and  I'm  going  alone. 

HELEN 
Then  do  it.  Don't  threaten  it  so  often  —  do  it. 

221 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 
I  shall.  And  I'll  never  come  back. 

HELEN 
Nobody  asked  you  to. 

ERNEST 

Helen  —  for   the    last    time  —  just    for    my 
sake  —  marry  me. 

HELEN 

For  the  last  time  —  no !  no !  NO  ! !  I  won't  be 
a  hypocrite  even  for  your  sake. 

[She  turns  away,  he  starts  off,  then  stops, 
rushes  over  to  her. 

ERNEST 
[holds  out  arms] 

I    can't.   You    know    it.   Without   you    I'm 
nothing. 

HELEN 

[taking  both  his  hands] 
Without  you.  .  .  .  Oh,  my  dear,  my  dear. 

ERNEST 
Forgive  me,  forgive  me. 

222 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN 
It  was  all  my  fault. 

ERNEST 
No,  I  was  a  brute.  I'm  not  worthy  of  you. 

HELEN 

[covering  his  lips  with  her  hand} 
Sssh  —  I  can't  stand  it  — I  was  perfectly  hor 
rid  to  you.  And  you  were  doing  it  all  for  my 
sake.    [Laughing   and   crying.}    You    dear    old 
thing  —  I  knew  it  all  the  time. 

[They  seem  about  to  embrace. 

JUDGE 

[shaking  with  laughter} 

Was  there  ever  in  the  world  anything  like 
it!  ...  Well,  children,  see  here.  He's  willing 
to  lie  for  your  sake.  She's  willing  to  die  for  your 
sake.  Now,  why  not  just  split  the  difference 
and  have  a  civil  ceremony  for  our  sake. 

THEODORE 

No,  they  will  marry  for  a  better  reason. 
Think  of  the  sin  of  it !  [To  HELEN.]  Have  you 
no  sense  of  sin  ? 

223 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

If  not,  think  of  the  humor  of  it !  Have  you  no 
sense  of  humor  ? 

HELEN 

[still  drying  eyes  and  smiling  to  JUDGE] 
Not  a  scrap.  Neither  has  Ernest.  Have  you, 
dear? 

ERNEST 

I  hope  not  —  judging  from  those  who  always 
say  they  have. 

THEODORE 
[solemnly] 

Helen,  look  at  Ernest  —  Ernest  look  at 
Helen.  [The  lovers  do  so.]  Look  into  each  other's 
very  souls !  .  .  .  You  know,  you  must  know, 
that  in  the  eyes  of  God  this  thing  would  be  a 
sin,  a  heinous  sin. 

[The  lovers  gaze  deep  into  each  other  s  eyes  in 
silence. 

ERNEST 

[tremulous  from  the  emotion  he  has  just  been 

through] 

The  glory  and  the  gladness  I  see  in  this 
woman's  eyes  a  sin  ?  Her  trust  in  me,  my  wor 
ship  of  her,  our  new-found  belief  in  a  future  life, 
224 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

our  greater  usefulness  together  in  this  —  bah  ! 
don't  talk  to  me  about  sin !  Such  women  cannot 
sin  —  they  love. 

JOHN 
[tired  out] 

Oh,  you  can  talk  all  night,  but  this  is  a  prac 
tical  world.  How  long  could  you  keep  your  job 
in  the  institute  ?  Then  how'll  you  live !  Private 
practice  ?  No  respectable  home  will  let  you  in 
side  the  door. 

ERNEST 

I've  seen  the  inside  of  respectable  homes.  I 
want  no  more.  [Taking  from  his  pocket  a  piece 
of  paper.]  This  morning  I  came  to  ask  for  your 
sister's  hand  in  marriage.  Your  manners  did  not 
please  me.  So  I  cabled  over  to  Metchnikoff. 
[Hands  cablegram  to  JOHN.]  His  answer.  Positions 
await  us  both  at  the  Pasteur  Institute  in  Paris. 
That  luxurious  suite  on  to-morrow's  steamer 
still  waits  in  my  name. 

THEODORE 

Ernest !  Stop !  Think !  This  woman's  soul  is 
in  your  hands. 

[ERNEST  seems  to  hesitate.  HELEN  crosses  to 
him.  JUDGE   seizes  JOHN,  whispers,  and 
shoves  him  across. 
225 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

Doctor  Hamilton !  I  apologize !  .  .  .  You're 
a  man  of  the  world.  You  know  what  this  means 
—  she  doesn't.  She  is  in  your  power  —  for 
God's  sake  go  to  Paris  without  her. 

QOHN  tries  to  lead  HELEN  away  from  ER 
NEST.  She  shudders  at  JOHN'S  masterful 
touch  and  clings  to  her  lover. 

ERNEST 

And  leave  her  here  in  your  power  ?  Never 
again  !  You've  forced  her  out  of  her  work — you'd 
force  her  into  legalized  prostitution,  if  you 
could,  like  her  innocent  little  sister.  [Snatches 
HELEN  away  from  JOHN.]  No,  married  or  not, 
she  sails  with  me  in  the  morning.  That's  final. 
[The  lovers  turn  away  together. 

JUDGE 
Where  are  you  going  ? 

HELEN 
To  ask  Marie  to  pack  my  trunk. 

ERNEST 

To  telephone  for  a  motor. 
226 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

But  you  won't  start  until  after  the  family 
party  ? 

ERNEST 

Of  course  not. 

[In  a  sudden  silence  HELEN  and  ERNEST 
walk  into  the  house,  leaving  the  family  in 
despair. 

JUDGE 

[after  a  long  sigh,  to  JOHN] 
I   knew  you'd   bungle   it,   I   knew  it  —  but 
there's  still  a  chance,  just  one  more  card  to 
play.  [The  BUTLER  comes  out. 

LUCY 

Good  heavens !  Already  ? 

BUTLER 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Willoughby,  Doctor  and  Mrs. 
Grey,  and  the  Misses  Grey. 

LUCY 

[flurried'] 

And  we're  not  even  dressed! 
227 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 

No  matter.  It's  Sunday  —  many  orthodox 
people  .  .  .  why,  Mr.  Baker  won't  even  dine 
out  on  Sunday. 

[Enter  the  persons  announced.  Greetings. 
"How  warm  it  is  for  September."  .  .  . 
"And  how's  the  baby,  Margaret?"  etc. 
JOHN  and  JUDGE  apart  are  planning  ex 
citedly.  JEAN  and  REX  come  out,  and 
finally  HELEN,  followed  by  ERNEST. 

BUTLER 
Dinner  is  served,  ma'am. 

[The  SECOND  MAN  touches  button.  Japanese 
lanterns  glow,  silver  shines,  and  all  move 
toward  the  tables,  a  happy,  united  family. 

LUCY 

[going-to-dinner  manner  as  she  leads  the  way] 
We  can  hardly  go  out  formally  because  we're 
already  out,  you  know.  Aunt  Susan,  will  you  sit 
over  there  on  John's  right  ?  Doctor  Hamilton  by 
me  ?  Rex  on  the  other  side  ? 

JOHN 

Here,  Helen.  No,  Jean,  you  are  beside  Rex, 
you  know. 

228 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

JUDGE 
Until  married,  then  you're  separated. 

LUCY 

Cousin  Charlie  —  that's  it.  [All  take  their 
places.]  Most  extraordinary  weather  for  Sep 
tember,  isn't  it  ? 

JUDGE 

[he  slaps  his  cheek] 
Isn't  it? 

LUCY 

[shocked  and  hurt] 

That's  the  first  mosquito  I  have  ever  known 
on  our  place. 

JOHN 

[indignantly] 

We  never  have  mosquitoes  here.  You  must 
have  been  mistaken. 

[The  servants  are  passing  in  and  out  of 
house  with  courses.  The  BUTLER  now 
brings  a  telegram  to  JUDGE. 

JUDGE 

From  Julia !  [Tears  it  open  eagerly,  reads,  ancC 
229 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

then  shouts.}   She's  coming   back  to  me,   she's 
coming  back !  Look  at  that,  look  at  that ! 

[Jumps  up  and  shows  telegram  to  JOHN. 
Then  taking  it  around  to  LUCY  he  sings 
to  tune  of  "Merrily  we  roll  along": 

Aunt  Julia  is  coming  back 
Coming  back  —  coming  back 
Aunt  Julia  is  coming  back 
Coming  back  from  Reno. 

HELEN 

[laughing] 

From  Reno  ?  That  sounds  like  divorce,  Uncle 
Everett. 

JUDGE 

Like  divorce  ?  Does  that  sound  like  divorce  ? 
[Takes  telegram  from  LUCY  and  hands  it  to 
HELEN.]  Read  it  aloud. 

HELEN 

[reading 

"Dear  boy,  I  can't  stand  it,  either.  Come  to 
me  or  I  go  to  you." 

JUDGE 

{sings  during  the  reading 
Coming   back  from   Reno.    [Breaks  off — to 

230 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

HELEN.]  So  you  thought  we  wanted  a  divorce, 
did  you  ? 

HELEN 
I  never  dreamed  of  such  a  thing. 

JUDGE 

[looks  at  her  a  moment,  then  in  a  burst] 
Well,  7  did.  The  dream  of  my  life  —  your 
Aunt  Julia's,  too.  We  thought  we  believed  in 
trial  marriage,  but  we  don't  —  we  believe  in 
trial  separation  ! 

THEODORE 
[uncomfortably} 

They  thought  they  didn't  love  each  other, 
but  they  do,  you  see. 

JUDGE 

We  don't,  we  don't,  but  we  can't  get  along 
without  each  other  .  .  .  got  the  habit  of 
having  each  other  around  and  can't  break  it. 
.  .  .  This  morning  I  telegraphed:  "Are  you 
doing  this  just  for  my  sake?"  She  replied, 
"Tutti-frutti."  [Sings.]  Aunt  Julia's  coming 
back.  Oh,  I'm  too  happy  to  eat.  [Singing,  while 
others  eat  and  drink: 

231 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

Coming  back,  coming  back, 
Aunt  Julia  is  coming  back 

Coming  back  from  Reno. 

^\ 

And  I  don't  care  who  knows  it.  The  more  the 
better  for  marriage.  The  truth  —  give-  me  more 
truth,  give  me  more  —  champagne.  [BUTLER 
fills  glass  as  JUDGE  raises  it.]  Here's  to  your 
Aunt  Julia,  the  best  wife  —  I  ever  had.  [All  rise, 
drink,  laugh,  and  sit  down.}  And  I'll  never,  never 
get  another.  .  .  .  You  know  I  thought  maybe  I 
might.  Oh,  Everett,  Everett,  you  sly  dog,  you 
old  idiot  you ! 

JOHN 

[arises,  clearing  throat,  tapping  on  glasses  for 

silence] 

And  now,  speaking  of  divorce,  I  have  an  en 
gagement  to  announce.  [Some  laughter  but  all 
quiet  down.  He  smiles  at  JEAN.]  Of  course,  you 
can't  guess  whose.  Friends,  it  is  my  privilege  to 
announce  the  engagement  of  my  good  friend 
Rex  Baker  to  my  dear  sister  Jean.  [Gentle  ap 
plause  and  congratulations.  Music  begins.}  And 
so  I  will  now  ask  all  to  arise  and  drink  to  the 
health  and  prosperity  of  my  little  sister  and  my 
brother-in-law  to  be !  And  my  best  wish  is  that 

232 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

they  will  be  as  happy  as  my  better  half  and  me. 

[All  cheer  and  drink  health  standing.}   Speech, 
Rex! 

[Some  of  them  playfully  try  to  put  him  on  his 
feet. 

REX 

[shaking  his  head  and  maintaining  his  seat} 
I  can't  make  a  speech.   I'm  too  happy  for 
words  —   See-what-I-mean  ? 

HELEN 

[in  a  low,  significant  tone} 
Jean,  aren't  you  going  to  say  something  ? 

JEAN 

[arises,  all  silent,  she  looks  at  LUCY,  REX,  JOHN] 
Words  cannot  describe  my  happiness,  either. 

[She  resumes  her  seat,  and  all  gather  round 
to  congratulate  JEAN  and  REX. 

JOHN 

[rapping  for  quiet} 

One  moment,  one  moment.  Another  toast,  an 
other  toast !  [Others  quiet  down.}  We  have  with 
us  to-night  one  who,  in  honoring  whom  we 

233 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

honor  ourselves,  one  who  with  capital  back  of 
him  would  soon  become  the  greatest  scientist 
in  America  !  [JuDGE  leads  applause,  "hear,  hear!" 
etc.  JOHN  raises  glass.]  To  the  distinguished  guest 
whom  I  am  proud  to  welcome  to  my  humble 
board,  to  the  noble  humanitarian  whom  Mr. 
Baker  delights  to  honor,  to  the  good  friend 
whom  we  all  admire  and  trust,  Doctor  Ernest 
Hamilton ! 

[All   applaud   and   about   to   drink    healthy 
JUDGE  jumps  up. 

JUDGE 

And  to  his  fair  collaborator  !  the  brave  woman 
who  at  this  modern  warrior's  side  daily  risks 
her  life  for  others,  handling  death  and  disease 
in  those  mighty  but  unsung  battles  for  the  com 
mon  weal !  [Applause.]  A  New  Woman  ?  No, 
friends,  look  behind  the  stupid  names  the  mob 
would  cast,  like  stones  to  destroy,  look  and 
you  will  see  your  true  conservative  —  willing 
to  appear  radical  in  order  to  conserve  woman's 
work  in  the  world !  willing  to  appear  ridiculous 
to  right  ancient  wrongs !  willing  even  to  appear 
wrong  —  for  those  she  loves  !  Ah,  the  same  old- 
fashioned  woman  we  all  adore,  in  a  form  so 
new  we  blindly  fail  to  understand  her  glorious 

234 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

advent  before  our  very  eyes  !  To  Helen,  the  gra 
cious  embodiment  of  all  that  is  sweetest,  no 
blest,  and  best  in  womanhood  —  to  Helen  !  Our 
lovely  Helen ! 

JOHN 

[up  again  at  once] 

Family  approval,  social  esteem,  and  an  hon 
ored  career  —  all  this  is  theirs  for  the  asking ! 
To-day  to  me  they  have  confessed  their  love 
—  to-night  to  you  I  now  announce  .  .  .  their 
engagement !  Long  life  and  happiness  to  Helen 
and  Ernest ! 

[Great  enthusiasm  —  even  pounding  on  the 
table.  ERNEST  arises,  looking  surprised. 
JOHN  signalling  to  rest  of  family  to  join  in. 

THE  FAMILY 

{glasses  raised,  drowning  out  ERNEST] 
Long  life  and  happiness,  long  life  and  hap 
piness  ! 

ERNEST 

[raises  hand] 

Wait!  Before  you  drink  this  toast.  .  .  .  [The 
glasses  stop  midway.  Sudden  silence.]  Your  con 
gratulations  we  appreciate,  your  kind  wishes 

235 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

we   desire  —  but   not   on    false   pretences.   We 
are  not  engaged  to  be  married. 

[In  the  tense  silence  a  shudder  ripples  the 
family  joy. 

REX 

[apart  to  JEAN] 
Gee !  They  had  a  scrap,  too  ? 

JOHN 

[upy  nervously.  ERNEST  still  standing 
If  I  may  interrupt.  .  .  .  He  has  financial 
reasons  —  I  respect  him  for  it.  But  this  very 
day  the  Baker  Institute  in  recognition  of  Doc 
tor  Hamilton's  distinguished  services  to  hu 
manity  has  doubled  his  salary  —  doubled  it ! 
It's  all  right  now  —  it's  all  right. 

REX 

[apart  to  JEAN] 

Four  thousand,  eh  ?  ...  get  a  very  decent 
touring  car  for  that. 

ERNEST 

[to  all] 

That  is  very  kind,  but  that  is  not  the  point. 
True,  our  mutual  needs  are  such  that  we  can- 

236 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

not  live  nor  work  apart,  but  our  convictions 
are  such  that  we  cannot  live  and  work  together 

—  in  what  you  have  the  humor  to  call  "holy 
wedlock."  Now,  Helen,  the  motor  is  waiting. 

[Sensation.  Gasps  of  amazement  and  horror. 
Some  jump  up  from  table.  A  chair  is  up 
set.  ERNEST  holds  HELEN'S  wrap.  General 
movement  and  murmurs. 

JOHN 

[barring  way} 
You  leave  this  house  only  over  my  dead  body. 

[Others  gather  around  lovers. 

JUDGE 

[to  all] 

Stand  back !  .  .  .  Let  him  among  you  who 
has  a  purer  ideal  of  love,  a  higher  conception  of 
duty  cast  the  first  stone.  [All  stop.  Silenced. 

THEODORE 

But  this  man  and  this  woman  would  destroy 
marriage ! 

JUDGE 

[standing  beside  lovers] 
No!  Such  as  they  will  not  destroy  marriage 

—  they  will  save  it !  They  restore  the  vital  sub- 

237 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

stance  while  we  preserve  the  empty  shell. 
Everything  they  have  said,  everything  they 
have  done,  proves  it.  The  promise  to  love  — 
they  could  not  help  it  —  they  took  it  —  I  heard 
them.  The  instinct  for  secrecy  —  they  felt  it  — 
we  all  do  —  but  straightway  they  told  the  next 
of  kin.  [Points  to  JOHN.]  Even  when  insulted  and 
driven  forth  from  the  tribe,  they  indignantly 
refused  to  be  driven  into  each  other's  arms  until 
you  of  the  same  blood  could  hear  them  plight 
their  troth  !  Believe  in  marriage  ?  Why,  there 
never  was,  there  never  will  be  a  more  perfect 
tribute  to  true  marriage  than  from  this  fearless 
pair  you  now  accuse  of  seeking  to  destroy  it ! 
[JoHN  tries  to  interrupt,  but  the  JUDGE  waves  him 
down.]  They  have  been  not  only  honorable  but 
old-fashioned,  save  in  the  one  orthodox  detail 
of  accepting  the  authority  constituted  by  so 
ciety  for  its  protection  and  for  theirs.  [To  HELEN 
and  ERNEST.]  But  now,  I'm  sure,  before  starting 
on  their  wedding  journey  —  another  old-fash 
ioned  convention  they  believe  in  —  that,  just 
to  please  us  if  not  themselves,  they  will  consent 
to  be  united  in  the  bonds  of  holy  wedlock  by 
Cousin  Theodore  who  stands  ready  and  waiting 
with  prayer-book  in  hand. 

[Family  subsides.  Everybody  happy.  THEO 
DORE  steps  up,  opens  prayer-book. 
238 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 

"Dearly  beloved,  we  are  gathered  together 
here  in  the  sight  of  God " 

HELEN 

[suddenly  loud  and  clear] 
Theodore !  are  you  going  to  marry  Rex  and 

Jean  ? 

JOHN 

[impatiently] 
Of  course,  of  course,  Mr.  Baker's  chaplain. 

ERNEST 

[recoiling] 

Theodore !  You !  Are  you  going  to  stand  up 
and  tell  the  world  that  God  has  joined  those 
two  together  —  GOD  ? 

[THEODORE  looks  at  JOHN  but  does  not  deny 
it  and  says  nothing. 

HELEN 

Then  you  will  be  blaspheming  love  —  and 
God  who  made  it.  No,  you  shall  not  marry  us. 

ERNEST 

[agreeing  with  HELEN] 

Some  things  are  too  sacred  to  be  profaned. 

239 


"AND  bo  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

THEODORE 
[overwhelmed] 
Profaned  ?  .  .  .  By  the  Church  ? 

JOHN 

Your  love  too  sacred  for  the  Church  ?  The 
Church  has  a  name  for  such  love !  The  world  a 
name  for  such  women ! 

ERNEST 

[about  to  strike  JOHN,  then  shrugs] 
A  rotten  world !  A  kept  Church!  Come,  let's 
get  away  from  it  all !  Come  ! 

[HELEN  offers  her  hand  in  farewell  to  LUCY, 
but  JOHN  shields  her  from  HELEN'S  touch, 
then  to  JEAN.  REX  shields  JEAN  from 
contamination,  but  JEAN  weeps. 

JUDGE 

[barring  the  way.  To  ERNEST] 
Stop !  You  cannot !  The  very  tie  that  binds 
you  to  this  woman  binds  you  to  us  and  to  the 
whole  world  with  hooks  of  steel !  [  The  lovers  are 
still  going,  JUDGE  ascends  steps,  facing  them.]  For 
the  last  time!  before  too  late!  ERNEST!  You 
know  that  in  the  eyes  of  God  you  are  taking 
this  woman  to  be  your  wife. 
240 


"AND  So  THEY  WERE  MARRIED" 

ERNEST 

In  the  eyes  of  Gody  I  do  take  Helen  to  be  my 
wife  —  but 

JUDGE 
You,  Helen !  Speak,  woman,  speak ! 

HELEN 

I  take  Ernest  to  be  my  husband  in  the  eyes 
of  God,  but 

JUDGE 

[raises  his  hand  augustly   and   in   a   voice  of 

authority} 

Then,  since  you,  Ernest,   and  you,  Helen, 
have  made  this  solemn  declaration  before  God 
and   in  the  presence  of  witnesses,   I,  by  the 
authority  vested  in  me  by  the  laws  of  this 
State  do  now  pronounce  you  man  and  wife ! 
[MR.  and  MRS.  HAMILTON  look  at  each  other 
bewildered.    Meanwhile    the    silence    has 
been  pierced,  first  by  a  little  hysterical 
scream  from  JEAN,  then  the  others  all  wake 
up  and  crowd  about  the  happy  pair,  con 
gratulating  them.    The  women  who   had 
snubbed    HELEN    before    cover    her    with 
kisses,  for  now  she  is  fit  for  their  embraces. 

241 


"AND  So  THEY^WERE  MARRIED" 

JOHN 

[to  THEODORE] 

Saved !  Saved !  Respectable  at  last,  thank 
God.  [Raising  his  glass  and  hammering  for  at 
tention.]  Here's  to  the  bride  and  groom. 

[ALL  cheery  raise  glasses,  and  drink. 

ERNEST 
{when  the  noise  dies  down.  As  the  others  kiss 

HELEN] 

A  moment  ago  you  were  a  bad  woman.  Now 
[to  all]  behold !  she  is  a  good  woman.  Marriage 
is  wonderful. 

[JOHN  and  LUCY  run  to  JUDGE  and  shake 
hands. 

JUDGE 

[to  JOHN  and  LUCY,  his  wife] 
Yes,  Respectability  has  triumphed  this  time, 
but  let  Society  take  warning  and  beware !  be 
ware  !  beware ! 

CURTAIN 


242: 


RETL 
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